au pair - advice re house rules etc

[Iggleonk]

We have an au pair starting next week. We have never had one before and I just wanted to ask for any advice re Dos & Dont's for example one friend has told me they make their living room out of bounds after 9pm so that they can have some space.

I thought it might be useful to set out some house rules early on so any advice gratefully received.

What sort of package are you offering her out of interest - what's her room like, internet/TV? Are you paying at the high end or the low end? Any other benefits like gym, car etc?

Others may disagree, but I tend to link things like this in my mind with what sort of 'rules' to impose wrt living room off limits etc. I.e if she has no TV and her room is really small it's a bit tricky to limit her access to the rest of the house! IMO.

We have more guidelines for looking after the children at the moment and have agreed other things informally. To be honest we haven't gotten it totally right.

but interested to hear more from otehrs. There are threads on this. But let's get another one going anyway...our new one arrives in seven wks.

To be honest, I think it's a bit rude to have a rule that says she can't go in the living room after a certain hour. I think it's much better just to make sure her room is a place she will want to go.

Here are some ideas:

1. Ensure all doors are locked and lights are turned out if no one else is home when you leave the house.
2. Smoking is forbidden anywhere in the house (including the garage), in our cars, and in the garden either by you or any of your friends who may visit. Smoking is also forbidden when on duty, even if not at home.
3. If you are staying out overnight please let us know beforehand. This is so we do not worry about you.
4. If you want to have a friend (girlfriends and relatives only) to stay overnight, please ask our permission in advance.
5. No adult males (i.e. boyfriends) are allowed in the house when we are not home.
6. Never go out and leave anyone alone in our house.
7. Please do not allow anyone into the house when we are not at home for whatever reason (unless prior arrangements have been made with us). Ask callers to call again. There are no exceptions to this rule.
8. It is very important that you are on time each morning. I am usually in a hurry to get out the door so I can be at work on time. Please show up dressed and ready for work when your work day begins.
9. If you use up a food product (i.e. butter, bread, Dishwasher tablets, etc.) or notice we are about to run out of something, please put it on the ?Grocery List? which is kept online. If things are not put on the list, we can not be expected to know to buy them when we do the weekly shopping. If there is no list, start one.

10. Carry the mobile phone which we provided to you at all times when on duty. 11. NEVER let a cat in the house. I am allergic to them. 12. Please answer the call waiting when you are on the phone. If you take a message for us, please put it on the bulletin board in the kitchen. Likewise, if we take a message for you, we will put it on the bulletin board. 13. This is your house too. Please do not feel that you must spend your free time locked in your room. We expect you to treat this house as your own. And we expect to treat you like a welcome member of the household. 14. Please wrap food when you put it back into the fridge / freezer (i.e. if you use half a pack of chicken breasts) so it does not dry out. Same for fresh veg (i.e. tomato or onion which has been cut into). 15. Kumon needs to be graded, if possible, right after it is completed and then the kids need to make the necessary corrections. If this is not possible (i.e. you need to leave for school), then it should be graded and corrected later the same day. 16. The children may not sign up for Facebook, or any other social networking website (Webkinz and Penguin are okay). 17. Telly is not allowed in the morning before school. It is okay after school if all homework/chores/Kumon/etc. are done. 18. If DH and I cannot attend school event (i.e. class assemblies) please attend so that DS / DD will have someone there.

Not sure if you do have a TV for her room but I think this is essential. For you and her - we got a built in tv/dvd player so it wasn't large and it's been the best investment, (that and internet access or their own laptop.) She doesn't necessarily want to be watching what you have on and vice-versa and it's kept our living room free every evening

I think as 'newbies' it's really hard to start with and maybe you should say let's have a chat after the first few weeks when you can sort out do's and don'ts, by this time you should know what will and will not annoy you.

If you do have a rough guide to start with though that would really help.
Some random things to consider:

• guests - will they be allowed to stay? or hang out in your home?
• doing her own laundry - when will space on hangers be free (I had one girl who would do a wash and then let it sit there for days - hard to keep on top of your own when you can't hang anything out!)
• food - will she be buying her own. I've found best to give some money each week and the aupair buys her own snacks/treats etc- then you know all your goodies won't be eaten and she/he can get what they want. Also ask what cereal (if any) she wants for breakfast
• I did read somewhere about having aupair do 'family' meal once a week, so the mum didn't feel like a short order cook all week. We share cooking in our house but we are pretty relaxed about most things.
• try and get the aupair out and meeting people as soon as possible, I believe they are so much happier when they start to have their own life outside of your home. just a few of my thoughts..

Strix
I agree about that 9 pm rule in principle. But we really struggled with no boundaries when we first had our first ap last year. She has the largest bedroom in the house with her own TV, couch, etc and yet was down with us every night for the first part of the year. We had no place to retreat to and her 'great room' - which I know she was pleased with - was sitting tehre unoccupied.

So I appreciate that someone might want in principle to set some rules on this.

I think it's better to have an honest chat at the outset about what your needs are.

But I haven't figured out how to do that...let's see what else turns up on this thread for more inspiration.

I like your rules, above. Au pair etiquette is still something I discuss, as my friends now have au pairs - and we all did our time, way back when.

Here's the consensus:

• TV & computer in room very necessary.
• But don't expect to relegate her to 'servants quarters' - she may well be very lonely, and has only just left the bosom of her own family.
• Private bathroom highly desirable - if she's sharing, remember how much bathroom time young women need & figure out a workable plan!
• Find out the most economical calling plan for her mobile, with special reference to calls home - or get her a Skype phone.
• Shared family dinner preparations were our favourite time of day, when we were in France (and how we learned to cook.) Contemporary English life rarely allows for that, but try to do it at least a couple of days a week.
• Remember to talk to her. We have been horrified by hosts who knew nothing about their au pair, even after several months.
• Make a little effort to explain things that seem obvious, but are very English: how the public transport works; needing ID to buy alcohol; different food for children; toast & marmalade; bacon & sausages (watch out for the vaguely terrified expression, you'll know!)
• Clarify your approach to child discipline.
• Explain clearly which duties she is solely responsible for, which will be done together and which she should not / need not do.
• Be clear about which nights she will babysit.
• We never had curfews, nor imposed them, but you do need safety rules that you would apply to your own teenager, eg must phone with location & plans for getting home if out after 11pm.
• Why can't she put her laundry in with yours?

Our favourite placements, by far, were with families who really did make us part of their family. Unsurprisingly, our favourite au pairs are those who fit in with us as family. It works both ways, but you drive the relationship so try to make it work.

Our 'mesdames' had our hair done for us at their own hairdressers and gave us some lovely clothes. That's probably a uniquely French thing, but worth thinking about!
Our favourite au pairs have made us lovely birthday cakes, taught the children new skills & still send Christmas cards

Hope yours works out just as well for you!

From watching my parents get progressively irritated with some au pairs I would say that it's worth setting out a couple of nights where she is welcome to join you and a couple of nights where she isn't. Explain to her when she arrives that you like to keep one night free so you can have friends over if you feel like it (do make an effort to do this a couple of times if you say that, offer the babysitting gig to the au pair if it's friends who are parents themselves and live locally) and one night so you and DH can have a 'date night' in. Stress that she doesn't need to go out the house but you'd really appreciate it if she left you the living room to yourselves. Then drop into the conversation that you're sure she'll have her own fantastically busy social life anyway! Add that to one night babysitting and there's only a couple of nights you'll have her around.

The 'goodies' budget is a good idea - that way she can decide what she wants to buy: exotic fruits or chocolate! Another thing to consider is a kettle for her room with sachets of hot chocolate/coffee/tea so she can make herself a drink up there in the evening if she feels like it. If you can stretch to a mini-fridge (and put a couple of bars of chocolate in for her arrival) then that's even better!

Other house rules - Strix's are good, especially the security points. I do think it's important to have some kind of curfew/arrangement where they let you know before a certain time. Apparently my father used to stay up until the au pair came home just to make sure she was okay and my mother confessed that she never slept properly until she knew the au pair was safe and sound the first few times.

As a live in nanny I had rules about the washing machine so I could do my wash with the children's or on a specific night that they'd leave free for me and it was expected to be cleared the following morning, rules for the grocery list (and in one job a household kitty, separate to the child kitty to buy milk when we ran out)

Have a contract which sets out what she does do, doesn't do, when you can let her go, how she can leave if she isn't happy etc and go through it with her.

The other important thing is to have a handbook with the house rules, rules for the children, quick meal ideas in case she has no inspiration, a timetable of the week, a list of daily/weekly chores, a map of the local area (possibly with a code to show where things are), instructions for operating the oven, microwave, washing machine and any other electrical appliance that's not self-evident (a fancy kettle with some kind of sensor but no buttons was my personal favourite....).

Spending time together is really important as is introducing her to British food, culture and generally making her feel welcome. It might cost you a bit extra if you're planning a trip to show your children a local stately home but do at least invite her along - if she's interested she'll be grateful you invited her. Another thing that a couple of our au pairs loved was playing word games like scrabble or boggle. As a teen my favourite au pairs were the ones who would play endlessly with me. I loved it because I love the games, they loved it because it improved their English. If you have young children then you might have to do it yourself or get your children playing!

Thank you all for your tips and advice - lots of great stuff in there.

We have had our garage converted (is nicer than it sounds!) so she will have separate space from the house and have just had a TV fitted. It also has it's own bathroom and kitchenette so she can be pretty self sufficient if need be.

I think it is a good idea about having a list of jobs & I need to spend a bit of time thinking about that. My children are younger - 2&a half and 9 weeks old! Obviously with a new baby I am going to be here all the time so my hope is that she will keep the toddler amused while I look after the baby.

Our house is pretty chaotic at the moment what with a new baby so I just hope she doesn't run a mile once she arrives! At least she can get away from it all to the garage.

Thanks once again

We have had 3 au pairs, from Spain/Germany and France which stayed with us usually from Aug. to end late July. We didn't have such rules as I do think it's a bit rude and I think if you kind of think of them as family they will seem to settle better if that makes sense. We had their room with tv/dvd and free box so they could stay in their room and usually on their computer alot. We always told them days they have to take him to school you had to be home by 11p as you'd be too tired weekends they could do what they liked as we were home and they usually wanted to go out. We also said it's up to them if they chose to eat with us or eat with my son and to be honest they all started eating with us but after a few weeks they seemed to go off that and ate with my son. I guess they didn't want to spend too much time old fuddy duddies. If you expect them to help with homework, cook make it known from the beginning. I even did a type written letter and sent to them before they arrived. I must say by spring we got the feeling they wanted to be gone. Def. by late fall the ones we had had made friends and seemed to do alot outside of the house which was fine with us. Hope this helps.

Well, as a qualified nanny i was on the sofa in the living room for 3 months, had to live out of a suitcase, tv was out of use, laptop - theirs was out of bounds (luckily i had mine!) their room wasnt closed off so i had to work through where their's was (half) to get to the kitchen or bathroom in affect they could hear anything.. nice!
I was with 2 children 8-8 2 nights babysitting a week, london central and on a very very poor salary for it - other nannies were shocked!
Then the next 3 months i was on a camp bed in an undecorated room, with cracks and mould, no tv no internet, a fridge 'so you can buy your own food' and i didnt stay for the rest (other reasons not just this!)

Rules were:

1. no guests unless asked before hand and permission given in writing (including my mother coming for a cup of tea on my birthday!)
2. no charity work
3. we will give as much notice possible if you need to stay late (got 1 phone call none others)
4. laundry at work hours only (no weekend laundry to be done!)

many more i just cant remember for the life of me!

But my point is, poor pay, no respect, no thought and horrible room = be nicer about the rules and try to stick to them if its on your behalf!
I think you need some and its your house at the end of the day but if you are having someone to care for your children - you know how hard it can be sometimes! - then you should show a little respect and help make them feel at home - especially if they are from miles away like most au pairs.