Birth debrief tomorrow - any tips?

[Marjee]

Hi I'm new! My ds was born 7 months ago after a scarily fast labour resulting in an episiotomy and ventouse delivery after his heart rate started dropping. I've been driving myself crazy ever since thinking about what could have happened and things the midwives did that annoyed me. I've booked an appointment for tomorrow with the birth reflections service but just realised I have no idea what to say/ask! Anyone had a debrief? Did it help you?

I have been to see a consulatant recently to discuss dd's birth 3 years ago (6hrs of pushing, episiotomy, failed manual rotation, failed ventouse x3, dd in distress, emergency cs). It was so very, very helpful. I have had ptsd, flashbacks, panic attacks etc since then and I thought it would never stop. I haven't had a panic attack since. I had been through my notes time and time again and there were things I had missed that helped clear my head enormously.

My main tips:

Take a list of your main questions.

Don't hold back. If you need to cry, cry.

There is no such thing as a stupid question.

If you don't understand ask them to repeat.

Be prepared for the fact that for some things there are no answers.

Don't feel you have to rush, you can go back again if you need to.

Good luck. I hope it helps you.

consultant I can spell, honestly.

Thanks SOH thats a big help. I dont suffer flashbacks or panic attacks but seem to go over it in my head all the time! I'm really hoping tomorrow can help me stop thinking about it and that horrible feeling of having no control!

There's no level you have to be at or a degree of trauma you have to have suffered for it to be affecting your day to day life. Going over and over it is a sign that you haven't processed it and have questions. I do hope that some of them can be answered today.

Please do come back and let me know how you get on.

I'm back! Lovely midwife went through everything with me in detail and even offered to check my scar (I stupidly said no!). I was almost expecting to be fobbed off with excuses but she admitted I'd had poor care and was very apologetic and understanding about how frightened and unsupported I felt. It feels like a weights been lifted, I highly recommend it!

SOH, I've been reading about your awful day on the other thread so I realise you probably wont read this for a few days but I just wanted to thank you for your great advice. I'm so glad I took a list of questions like you suggested cos theres loads I would have forgotten to ask without it. I did cry, but only a bit and felt much better for it! Thank you xx

Oh I'm so pleased.

I didn't realise how much it would help. Especially my consultant apologising and acknowledging areas where they could have done better. It does help doesn't it, to know that they understand and admit the errors?

I think if it frees you up to move on and enjoy your ds instead of processing repeatedly the way in which he entered the world, then it's well worth it.

I'm glad it helped.

I think the thing that helped me most was that she acknowledged the way I felt and told me that its ok to feel that way. She also wrote something in my notes for the midwives taking care of me next time, so I feel much better knowing I will be treated better if I have another baby. Today I feel like I've fallen in love with ds all over again, I know I'm a good mum and it wasn't my fault. Hes lovely and so worth it!