Terrified of tearing

[honeymoonmum]

I'm 38 weeks and considering a VBAC - one major thing putting me off is a massive fear of tearing/trauma down below. I was torn as a teenager by an abusive partner and will never forget the pain - I have told no-one of this (DH or consultant) and it is just a horrible fear - any words of advice?

I was terrified of tearing and the only advice I can give is on ds I wasn't pushing properly because I was scared of tearing meaning that by the time I realized that half hearted pushes were not going to work I was tired and had less control over pushing meaning I was more likely to tear at the crowning. DS 30 mins pushing and no tears.

DD 2mins no fear of pushing no tears. My advice is on the day don't let it hold you back. You can also do the perineum massages.

honey You need to address this. Whether you tear or not, 'crowing' will feel like you are ripping apart down there. That is NOT the time to freak out and work against your body as that will increase to true chance of tearing.

You kind of need to 'embrace' the tearing feeling and know that even though it feels like it, it isn't necessarily that you are iyswim.

I had a little tear with ds and a bigger one with dd (she was a big baby). Also had haematoma ans swelling with her. I imagine you're scared because it's something that happened to you during an abusive relationship. Maybe you could talk about it with your doctor/MW-perhaps they would suggest a talk with a psy, to calm you down etc?
When you give birth, the actual sensation of tearing is not really there, as the nerves around vagina are put out of work by the pressure by the baby's head.
Massage could be helpful. In reality, assuming you will get run of the mill small tear, you will just feel a bit of pulling and discomfort for a few days, if you'll need stitches, then they can 'pull' for a couple of weeks. And you'll have your baby, so you won't be focusing on that.

However, seeing as the issue is deeper than just a simple fear of pain, I would really suggest you talk to someone about it.

Yes, Star is right that you will most definitely feel the crowning! Not the actual tearing, though iyswim.

Agree that the crowning will feel very painful anyway. Its a burning, stinging pain and very intense. Some people don't feel the actual tear (if they tear - not everyone does) because things are so intense then anyway. Personally I did feel my tear, and it hurt a lot, but its over with very quickly. Could you request to be cut if the midwife thinks a tear is likely? That way you'll have a local anaesthetic in?

I wish someone had told me before DD that you don't feel the tear happening. I thought I hadn't torn but had a 2nd degree one. It really was fine and I was very worried about it beforehand.

That's a good idea. Perhaps begin by letting her talk about his behaviour and then ask if she had considered getting him 'checked over' because there could be a little thing that he might be finding some difficulty with in his life that could have a straighforward solution, and that finding out sooner rather than later might be very helpful.

I think that is how MNers tend to respond on threads where someone is raising concerns that 'professionals' are trying to label their child unneccessarily.

Yeah, okay. Clearly still drunk from last night - sorry!

Tell the midwife delivering you about your fears. I was afraid of tearing after my sister had great problems after tearing during a forceps delivery.

We agreed that if it looked like I would tear she would do an episiotomy. This gives more control about the direction than a tear.

I had the episiotomy, - it was just a split second of red hot pain. It healed really quickly afterwards, and I'm more normal down there than I ever expected.

There's so much going on with your body during childbirth, and the crowning isn't what hurts the most, either -- it's all the contractions before the baby starts moving down the birth canal that hurt the most.

The thing about tearing in childbirth is that it's not at all like the betrayal of trust that must have happened to OP before. . It's very much rather more (sorry to be graphic) like a particularly awkward poo!

Thanks all - still scared but will try and take on board your advice.

I went through a kind of 'enforced' natural labour for my VBAC as my epidural didn't work and gas and air was useless. I screamed the place down, and when it came to the pushing phase I can honestly say I didn't feel 'crowning' at all. It felt a bit uncomfortable when the midwife told me to stop pushing for a couple of seconds when the head was coming out, but I honestly didn't feel any pain whatsoever and couldn't really feel anything going on down there. I was really quiet (to the relief of the midwives who had just put up with me for hours).

I think I was just pleased to be nearly there and exhausted from the contractions.

I didn't tear, but I did need a few stitches. I did feel those !

What a horrific experience you have had. To hold that close to your heart for so long must be awful.

Remember that you have very experienced midwives around you and I would definitely mention it to them when you go into labour. If you need any suturing, then hopefully you'll have some pain relief, and I am sure it would be done in a quick and professional manner. By then you wont care what happens anyway as you should be cradling your new baby.

Just to say I had my first DD in Feb. I was really, really scared about tearing (though not for any good reason like you just irrational fear), and was much more scared of that and of being stitched than actual labour. I am also known as a bit of a wimp with a low pain threshold by my family!

When it came to it I was so overwhelmed (not in a bad way just whole body taken over by) the pushing contractions, that I didn't even notice the crowning (no 'ring of fire). When the MWs said the head was out I was amazed! And I hadn't had any pain relief.

I had a small tear as DD had her hand by her head. I couldn't feel it at all, had no idea it happened. I was then terrified about the stitches, but I grabbed the G and A (which I hadn't used in labour) and went nuts on it. Instead of being aware of the stitches I had a lovely 10 mins totally high off my face while looking at DD who DH was holding.

I never felt a single bit of jip from the stitches afterwards - not even when going to the loo.

Obviously me experience not totally typical, but just to say that labour is so different from any other experience down there, there's so much going on, your body and mind are working differently than normal so you will be surprised by what bothers you and what doesn't.

Good advice though to talk over your fears in advance especially because of the horrible experience you had before.