Hi mrspir8.
I'm really sorry to hear you have had such a hard time.
I really relate with much of what you said.
I can tell you my experience, don't know if it will help...
I too had a fairly uneventful first pregnancy and was ecstatic to be having a baby. Unfortunately, I also ended up having a traumatic birth, emergency section, ill health afterwards and PND, which lasted for roughly 18 months. It was a terribly difficult time for me, and also affected those closest to me - my marriage almost ended . I had a lot of counselling and some great support from DH and my family, and eventually, life became less bleak and I grew much stronger.
As time went on I realised that I really did want another child. I had my second child just before DC1's fourth birthday This time around I'll be honest with you, there were challenges. My pregnancy was complicated and I was physically unwell for most of it. There were times while pregnant that I felt the depression creeping back in, but because my family were aware of the signs this time, I had a lot of support and understanding, so it never got too bad. I was also totally upfront with the midiwfe at my booking in appointment - told her I'd had PND and was scared of it happening again - and she arranged some counselling sessions for me and for a specially trained nurse to visit me in hospital and again at home after the birth to talk things through with me.
I had a lovely, calm elective section and healed much better this time. It really couldn't have been more different from my first birth. I felt on a complete high afterwards, in fact. As the days and weeks went by, I continued to feel pretty good. I was literally waiting for the dark moods and anxiety to descend...but they never did. Physically and mentally I was just in a completely different place from first time round.
I think the support of my family and DH helped enormously. I also seemed to have developed coping strategies I had no idea I had, which only revealed themselves after the birth. I just did not put so much pressure on myself, did not let myself get caught up in repetetive negative thoughts and treated myself gently. For example, I had an horrednous time breastfeeding fiorst time around. When things started to go the same way with my second baby, I just stopped. I weighed up what it would cost to continue and get caught up in the whole cycle of exhaustion, pain and guilt and I thought 'Sod it!'.
I have to say, the fact that my second baby was, by some miraculous fluke, a great sleeper has been a major contributor to me feeling so much better this time, I am sure. My first child was up half the night for the first two years. It really was hellish.
DH was also much more aware of how much help I would need after a section, this time, too, and was ready and willing to do night feeds, let me lounge around in my PJs and generally let me convalesce for a bit. The relief of not having to do anything for a bit and to just be looked after completely was an incredible weight off my mind, and definitely helped me to heal quickly and get back to normal life sooner.
So - it can be positive second time around. You need some extra support. You - and your loved ones - need to stay vigilant be alert to the signs that your mental health might be taking a dip. And you have to remember that no two pregnancies or births - or children - are the same.
Wow, that was long! Good luck