How to get help

[herethereandeverywhere]

I love my daughter, I'm grateful that we're both safe and well but I think my birth/the after effects screwed me up and I don't know how to resolve it.

I had a horrible labour/birth but it was nothing compared to the following fortnight of feeling desperate and getting no help/support.

DD is now 6 months old and I haven't yet had sex with DH. In fact I have no sex drive whatsoever and the merest thought makes me feel sick. My episiotomy scar still hurts, every day, and the dawning reality is I'll never have any more children because I can't face either intimacy or the thought of childbirth.

I don't want sleepless nights forever and would like to sort this out before I destroy my marriage. My GP is beyond useless but I'm sure I read something about debriefs? How would I get one? Also would this cover the period when I'd been discharged from hospital (one of the most traumatic things was being in lots of pain and worried about dd's health but not getting any midwife home visits).
Any advice would be SO gratefully received. Thankyou.

So sorry to hear this. No experience, but have you tried the birth trauma association?

I don`t know how to help but I want to be supportive, you deff need some help. Could you approach a different GP ? Why didnt the midwife come round? You may have post natal depression, it can be sorted. I would try and get an appointment with a different GP and also go to your health visitor and ask for help.

Understaffing apparently. We got one visit. We didn't see a health visitor until DD was almost 2 months old. The rest of the time I was calling one of the "contact"numbers, out of my mind, to be told if I was worried I'd have to go to A&E (and sit in agony on bl**dy hard chairs for hours).

How do I see a different GP? Both the ones at my practice are rubbish. I tried to change but was told there were no others in my area accepting new patients.

Hadn't thought of the health visitor I see when DD is weighed. Will try tro speak to her.

Sounds like you had an awful time. If your GP is shite, change. I did so a year ago and am so glad I did it.

Phone the head of midwifery at the unit you gave birth in (ring the ante natal ward and ask to be put through). They should be able to organise your de-brief about the birth. Whether or not they cover your post-natal care (or lack thereof) or not will depend on whether your community midwives are based there or not. They should be able to advise you on this anyway. Maybe contact the birth trauma assoc. as linked above first for some practical advice first.

You will not destroy your marriage by not wanting sex by the way. If you are still sore then of course it is the last thing you would want to do. I didn't have an episiotomy and I wouldn't let my DH near me until DS was nearly 1. I didn't get properly interested again until DS was 18mo and we were trying for a second. My fantastic new GP referred us to Relate and we had a few sessions with a counsellor. I now know that it's pretty normal to not be interested in sex for a long time after having a baby, even without a traumatic birth to get over- it makes sense really, look what happened last time! And remember that you are not under any obligation to want to have sex- things have changed in your relationship and your DH can't expect things to go back to how they were before, well, ever really.

I hope your DH is being supportive. If you can keep talking to him your marriage will be fine, most probably stronger for having got through this.

As for more children, there's no need to write that off. You may need a couple of years to recover from having your first child but that's fine, that 2 year gap that so many people have exists for good reason! A lot of people have very traumatic first deliveries and go on to have a much better experience next time round. But that's a long way off, concentrate on recovering physically and mentally for now. Exactly how you do that, I don't know. Please be kind to yourself though, and insist that your DH is too! You've been through a terrible ordeal and deserve all the help and support you can get.

Keep trying the other surgeries. I had to wait a few weeks to register at mine but it's worth it.

Lots of useful advice from everyone.
You could call your local PALS (Patient advice and liason service) they should be able to sor out access to a counsellor and or a debrief of your birth notes.
If you want to talk to someone outside of the hospital system. Sheila Kitzinger runs the Birth crisis network with trained phone volunteers www.sheilakitzinger.com/BirthCrisis.htm
My Episiotomy scar was very sore for a long time.
My GP eventually gave me oestrogen cream which helped. It was pretty muck back to normal by 18 months and now (seven years later) I am very rarely aware of it, except in certain conditions.
If you are breastfeeding you may be very dry and need lubrication/KY jelly.
Partners are often also very effected by being witness to a traumatic birth, they can also feel symptoms of PTSD (flashbacks etc) and may feel guilty or you may feel he should have done more to protect you.
Like someone said above, couple counselling might be helpful.
Good luck,
Hope you get some help and support and feel better soon,
Selina x

Thanks all for your advice. I made the first step today and spoke to my HV. Unexpectedly she was lovely, she listened, was caring and didn't judge or defend when I criticised my previous care. She offered kind encouragement to get some medical help for my episiotomy scar and that I musn't let this stop me from completing my family if that's what I want to do.

I think I will also contact the organisations above.