How do I share the roles between DH and my other birth partner?

[SpeedyGonzalez]

I have a close friend coming to support me when I give birth (HB), as well as my lovely DH. Would love some suggestions of how I can help clarify what I'd like both of them to do so that they know where they stand - what did you do?

I suppose it's a bit like having a doula, except she's not being paid and is a long-standing friend. What does a doula do that doesn't make the father feel like a spare wheel?

TIA!

I gave birth in a birthing centre so not quite the same.
My mum desperately wanted to be there and of couse, so did dh. Luckily, my birth was very quick so there wasn't a massive issue.
It helps to decide what YOU want them there for and what they expect to be doing.
My mum wanted to desperately see dd being born at the business end whereas my dh wanted to see our dd but not crowning iyswim.
DH's often feel like a spare part cos they can't imagine what it's like. If you are honest about what you each want it'll be much easier.
Not to be too stereotypical, men often like something to do whereas women are better at the emotional side of things.
DH might want to hold your hand while friend says encouraging things?

angel, thanks for reminder that men prefer practical stuff and women do emotional stuff better...I will give this some thought!

If you are planning a water birth men can do the setting up, filling, taking the water temp etc.

For a long labour, plan tasks he can do during labour so he doesn't feel like he is hovering with nothing to do.

Some ideas I came up for dh: clean the garage properly.

bake a cake from scratch. he has never baked a cake at all in his life of any sort and never looks at recipe books so he had to start from there.

another idea may be weeding the garden if you have one and creating a new bed for veg or ornamentals.

this way they are around, close at hand and doing something productive.

As it turned out, my labour was less than 2 hrs and had he not set about inflating the pool immediately on waking, I'd have never made it in.

He did bake a cake the next day but it was from a packet. bless his little cotton socks.

Rofl at baking cake from packet! I think DH would rather be around me than helping around the house, and he was a great partner last time around (just him and me) so I wouldn't want to ditch him entirely.

DH felt a little pushed out he has admitted in retrospect. He is fairly sensitive and I think in the face of the two midwives who knew what they were doing, were uniformed, wielding heartrate monitors and thermometers etc, he felt a bit obsolete. We didn't know them either so it felt a bit awkward. The thing was, when I was mid-contraction, I just wanted him while he was looking to the midwives helplessly. I think he almost felt like he had to defer.

In retrospect, he needed more of a specific role. Something he was confident to do without 'permission' iyswim.

In the end he baked an apple pie from scratch for the midwives and busied himself checking the pool temp and laying out baby clothes, blankets, towels etc. He says you feel pretty powerless watching the person you love doing that and he needed to do something to feel more in control. I think a female birth partner is more attuned to reassuring and supporting as opposed to actual 'doing' if that makes sense.

I was a birth partner for a friend and her dh was also there. He was happiest when making tea, clearing up, checking things etc. I was more comfortable holding onto my friend and talking to her/comforting her quietly. It was instinctive almost.