Can I cope on my own? worried

[tunnocks]

My DH died suddenly and I'm expecting DC2 in the summer. I've arranged a lovely doula for the birth and for a few hours postnatally. DD1 is at nursery part time but I'm thinking of putting her in full time for a couple of months when the baby arrives, though feeling guilty about that and worrying that she'll feel pushed away even more.

Friends have said I will need my parents to stay with me to cope with both DCs at least for the first month. I have huge reservations about this- I have an awkward relationship with them and they follow their own agenda, plus we have a small home.

Am I being naieve thinking I can get away without anyone staying overnight? I'm already exhausted and DD1 isn't the world's greatest sleeper and is still teething.

I'm hoping I can get by with a mix of paid help and friends if I'm very organised. Is this realistic or have I forgotten quite how tough the first few weeks are?

Also can anyone advise me on what paid help is available? Money is rather tight but I'm figuring it is worth prioritising for my sanity.

so sorry to hear this
IME (although I am NOT in your situation) the first few weeks weren't dreadful. How old is your DD? If she's at nursery you'll get a break during the day. Can you/will you co sleep with her, or both, to make life easier.
I would imagine the support you will need will be mainly emotional. I casn't imagine what you are going through and still have to go through

Gosh tunnocks poor you. How old is DD1? FWIW, I put ds (then 18 months) into nursery when dd arrived and it was the right thing to do. It gave us all some breathing space and gave him the kind of activities that I wasn't capable of doing with him at that point. But I'd suggest starting nursery before DC2 arrives so that she doesn't feel she has been replaced. I can't help on your other questions but good luck with everything. Having two is hard but no harder than having one and being pregnant.

Thanks Ladies for your kindness

DD1 is 2. She likes her nursery which is a huge comfort for me and has been there about a year so it's part of her routine. I'm hoping an extra 2 days a week won't be too hard on her. She's been very clingy since DH died which is understandable and I feel so worried that the baby's arrival will be another huge shock to her life so soon after losing her dad.

I'm hoping that sleeping in the day whilst she's at nursery will get me through the nights. I never really got on with cosleeping last time but I'm more realistic now in terms of doing what you have to to get you through.

I'm thinking emotional support will be key- I am in quite a panic as to what mindset I'll be in giving birth without DH combined with all the hormones. My parents definitely don't do emotions which is why I'm realy not keen on a lengthy visit from them.

It's given me hope that you think having 2 is not harder than being pregnant with one, thanks

you know there's a bereavement board on here?
Not sure how new you are, sorry

am very new. Thanks, will post there too

Hi Tunnocks. Have you spoken with your Doula about the postnatal period? If she's also a postnatal Doula, can you afford for her to stay with you? There are a lot of Doulas who will also stay overnight for the first couple of weeks. Yes, there's still lots to do with 2 children, but it's no where near as hard or like the shock to the system you get when you have your first. You will be surprised how your DD1 will help "support" you in many ways. My DD1 was 2 when my second was born, she was very useful for collecting nappies, blankets etc and felt included in looking after the baby (when it suited her!) I wish you all the best. x

PS There is a hardship fund linked with Doula UK which may be able to help you if you need further support.

tunnocks I think having someone with you for the first few days at least would be a good idea, but it has to be someone you feel happy with, I know that I would rather die than have my mother stay, and thats normally never mind postnatally

I had a horrendous birth with no.3 that saw me having two ops, an infection and was unable to walk properly for over a month. Luckily I had dh here but I couldnt have coped without that help.
You may not need it, but have someting in place as a safety net
Good luck with everything, you will cope, I wish you all the best

Good luck tunnocks
It sounds a very difficult time
I would avoid your parents, they will probably stress you even more
I always find tiredness from pregnancy worse than newborn
Biggest shock was having first baby , rather than the second
The tricky thing about 2 was during the day, trying to feed the baby and entertain the toddler at the same time.
Also you may need someone in the evening who could hold the baby for a few hours, to give you a break before you take over for the night.
You may just need someone else to hold him/her if crying lots, perhaps a friend or paid help for a few hours
And remember in the night, if you are all by yourself, you can always log on for some on-line company
I sometimes do it when baby crying and not settling back to sleep

I'm so sorry for your loss tunnocks, I can't imagine how daunting it must be to face this alone

Have you come across Home Start? They might be able to offer you a bit of support in the early days. Apparently they'll do pretty much anything to help out, from talking and supporting to practical things like ironing and childcare. It's a free service too.

Hope that helps,
Z x

Thanks ladies for posting, it's really good to hear your views and so lovely for your support. I feel so much better knowing I don't have to rely on my parents

Doulakate- I hadn't realised some doulas might stay overnight if necessary. I'm hoping DD1 will be as helpful as yours- she certainly brings me things when asked and as you say when in the mood

Mosschops- that's a very good point. I hadn't even considered a physically difficult birth, I have just focussed on how emotionally tough it will be

Darrellrivers- thank you, the online support is amazing and hopefully I can get a rota of friends for the evening when I'm frazzled

Ziggy- I had never heard of homestart but have just looked at their website- thanks, it sounds really helpful

Thanks again ladies. I've been feeling so overwhelmed and panicked about the future on my own with the DCs and your kindness has made me cry!