Do you think this is PND?

[FrozenNorth]

I realise I shouldn't have to ask this question - I'm a psychologist. But when it's stuff going on in my own mind, it's so hard to be objective.

Since before DD2 was born I've been on antidepressants (amitryptiline 75mg) because life has been a little hard to handle - DH was away most weeks and some weekends with his army posting and trips to Afganistan, I was without family support, trying to complete my PhD, look after 16 month old DD1 (now 20 months old) and fulfill my teaching / marking obligations at the university.

DD2 was born early and fast - I posted a few weeks ago about residual feelings of fear and shame around her precipitous birth. DH missed the birth although got there a few hours later. He had to go back to work shortly after.

Recently I've been feeling more and more like I have constant pre-menstrual mood swings. Small things seem to send me into a tailspin. I worry about things happening to my DDs constantly. I feel immense guilt for failing both of them by not being a happy, cheerful, capable mum. I imagine falling down the stairs with my newborn, I constantly imagine that I've left her at a supermarket / at home / in a car park and keep having to stop my vehicle to check.

When I sleep I have flashbacks to the birth and to the fast, lonely labour beforehand. I can't seem to forgive my DH for not properly noticing I was in labour - he's a doctor. I worry about trying to make up the teaching and marking I'd scheduled for the last five weeks of pregnancy. I miss my DH and wish he was home with us, but then I yell at him when he's home and though I can see the hurt in his eyes it's like I can't stop.

This Sunday it will be 12 weeks since DD2 was born. Is it too late for this to be the baby blues? Given that i'm already on medication, is it really worth me seeking any further help? The NHS waiting list to see a therapist is over a year long - all I could realistically hope for from a doctor would be more medication.

Anyone with any perspective / opinions they could share would be massively appreciated. Sorry this is so long and disorganised.

Sorry things are hard for you at the momment.
I'm not sure that I can cmment on whether this is PND and whether you should be on medication, but it does sound like you are doing too much and need some support.
Could you cut back on the marking and Uni work whilst your baby is so small?
Have some time just to bond and enjoy just being a Mum for awhile (can always get back into it in a few months)
It also sounds like you need to spend some quality time with your partner and open up to him more about how you are feeling.
Maybe you could look into zRelate and relationship counselling, it does not have to be used when things are completely falling apart (its often too late then) but it might help you reconnect.
Also could you get some support from family/friends to take the load off a little?
Do you get to any mother and baby groups etc?
Hope you feel better soon,
Selina x

Have a look at the Birth Trauma Association website - a lot of women have symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder after bad birth experiences.

Being a psych you'd know this differs from PND so maybe looking through the symptoms list might help you see more clearly? The flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, mood swings ... they all sound quite PTSD to me.

There is definitely more that can be done than just the antidepressents you are already on. As selina says some specific counselling, perhaps centred on the birth from someone specialising in maternal psychology? My hospital has a small psych department who are seeing me as I approach my second birth following a traumatic first one.

Thinking of you - please do get help, these fears must be exhausting without the extra strain of feeling so alone.

Good advice from both the above- it's a bit hard to comment on someone else's mental health, but the flashbacks sound horribly familiar.

It is possible (from bitter experience) to have both PND and PTSD from the birth, as intertwined issues which need treatment before they worsen.

The waiting list is indeed very long, in the end I ended up getting private CBT therapy for the PTSD as I couldn't face it any longer (dd1's birth was also a fast, painful one). For the PND, I found counselling very helpful, I'm not sure of your area but here (Edinburgh, Glasgow and Borders) we have a specialist PND service that were lifesavers for me.

The Birth Trauma Association mentioned before were also very helpful to me.

Sorry if this is rambling a bit, I need some sleep! Feel free to message me if you would like more info/ chat.

Good luck with onward treatment.

You have so much on your plate and not enough support. Early birth, DH not around enough, work obligations, toddler and a newborn. Can you tell friends and family that things are a bit much right now - just to share - and maybe they could give you some help too? And drop anything non-urgent. You can sort things out with DH at some point when it feels less fraught - it might be better to have a debrief about the birth with someone who wasn't involved - at the hospital or Birth Trauma Association.

I remember with DS1 imagining leaving him behind places, and him not liking me . It was partly coming to terms with being responsible for him and also feeling low as the birth knocked me for six.

Give yourself a chance to recover - and remind yourself how wonderfully well you've done with caring for them and birthing DD2.

So sorry youre feeling this way. With my first son my hubbie was working abroad,arrived in uk the night I was admitted into hospital for induction and left for work when baby 5 days old. I was horrible to him...returned a lovely present he bought me and generally just ranted and raved like a luny. my son is now 10 and I am 38 + with baby 4. With hindsight both hubbi and i agree that for me there was too much pressure.......I had just qualified as a solicitor and due to start work when baby 6 weeks old or something ridiculous....

the point is sometimes it does get too much but as tough as it is now when we talk about it ..it is clear that he never really understood and wishes that I explained how emotional and the fear that I was always feeling..........

You need to both sit down and have a chat and fot it to be all about YOU,,,noone else...sometimes we are so busy caring for others ane doing all that is expected from us that we forget about ourselves and that if you dont take care of yourself you cant care for others!