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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Post-baby sex

24 replies

OooohWhatIfItHurts · 20/04/2010 18:49

My DC is now 20 weeks old and DH and I are yet to do the deed. I feel very nervous about it and it seems to me that the longer I leave it the more anxious I am getting.

I've always been a bit funny with sex; if I haven't done it for a while I get worried/tense which makes it hurt. Now I have vivid worries about my tear (2nd degree) re-splitting, even though it has healed really well, has never given me any pain and I know it should be okay.

I also need to be in a good place in terms of how I look, otherwise I don't enjoy it and spend the whole time worrying about my flab. Obviously post-baby I'm a physical wreck and although I've lost all but 2lb of baby weight I'm all squidgy and jiggly, and covered in angry red marks. Oh and I hate my dinner lady boobs. I can't ever imagine being confident enough to have enjoyable sex again.

Tell me it will be ok?

OP posts:

detoxdiva · 20/04/2010 18:54

It will be ok

Talk to your dh about your concerns.

Have you got family who can babysit for a few hours while you go out, have a meal together, a few drinks, and just spend time as a couple.

If not, do the meal and drinks at home, but make it a special occasion, not dinner in front of the tv

I've always found a few glasses of wine and making the effort to put some nice undies on helps do away with any concerns

lovechoc · 20/04/2010 18:56

You will know when you are ready - congrats btw!!

It took me around 17 or 18 weeks before I was ready (post-birth) to resume a sex life with DH - mainly just worry over 3rd degree tear (same fears as yourself) and also due to exhaustion/BFing it wasn't something I felt was a priority at all.

You will just know when the time is right, don't rush yourself.

Original poster

OooohWhatIfItHurts · 20/04/2010 19:00

I get all embarrassed talking to DH about this stuff. If labour and breastfeeding haven't done it already, I feel as though a frank discussion will obliterate the romance/mystery.

OOh gotta go...

OP posts:

ealey · 20/04/2010 19:00

I know it's horrid, I felt just like you after a third degree tear. There's an element of not putting too much pressure on yourself when you don't feel ready, but then there also came a point when I knew I just had to throw myself back into it or I never would! Hope this isn't TMI, but I felt a bit of assistance from these kinds of products helped loads in terms of making things a bit more comfortable - www.vielle.co.uk/lubricant/SilkyLubricant.cfm?ccs=245&cs=63. You can get them from Boots.

I would say that I was just about back to feeling normal after about a year. It does get easier as time goes on. 20 weeks is still early days.

ealey · 20/04/2010 19:03

p.s. You can use them without your OH knowing if that bothers you, they're very discreet. Just takes a bit more forward planning!

Original poster

OooohWhatIfItHurts · 20/04/2010 19:11

Thanks everyone. I've stupidly chosen a daft time to post; DH is buzzing around and it's now bathtime, but I'll be back tomorrow...

OP posts:

Lu0509 · 20/04/2010 19:15

Hiya, I'm not really here to advise but just wanted you to know you are not alone

My baby is 17 weeks and poor hubby is still having to wait! Right now I could happily live as a nun as I have no interest in "doing the deed" whatsoever!

When I had my first baby I didn't do anything for 6 months, I had a 3rd degree tear and like you was worried it would tear again
It wasn't as bad as I thought tho, just a little uncomfortable to start with!

Post-baby body is not a great look but remember we've nutured a life in there!

ThisCharmingFlan · 20/04/2010 19:20

My advice? treat yourself to some gorgeous underwear, half a bottle of merlot and a tube of lube. Worked for me (and I had post-episiotomy complications and was terrified about bonking for about five months)

I was fiiiiine and you will be too. enjoy

cleo78 · 20/04/2010 19:22

I too was absolutely petrified about this, and the more I thought about it, the more of an issue it became! I finally decided that to make me lose the guilt i was feeling for my husband, I would do it once, and be prepared for it to not be good...for the whole host of reasons you mentioned! That seemed to take the pressure off, and half way through I realised i was enjoying it again afterall. And as for the 'body issues'....I'm not sure my husband noticed...he was just too thankful!!!!

DomesticG0ddess · 20/04/2010 19:41

I am sure it wasn't far off that before we had sex and I had a c-section so didn't have any tearing issues (although a large scar and baby weight to knock my self-confidence!). However I completely agree with cleo, your husband will be so thankful that he won't care at all what you look like (or think you look like), just turn the lights off!

On a serious note - your DH will probably worry about hurting you, definitely think it is a very good idea to get some lubricant - we used this for a long time after, I think this is very common.

crumblequeen · 20/04/2010 20:19

You are not alone. Like ealey I only felt like it got back to normal after about a year and needed a small dose of wine each time before that!

The first time we tried at around 16 weeks (following rotational forceps) it just felt like being stabbed with blunt instrument and I cried afterwards. I think the scar area does need to stretch a bit again so you may find it gets easier after a couple of goes but dont expect too much first time!

ealey · 20/04/2010 20:40

One other thing which may help motivate you to grit your teeth and go for it - my physio told me that having sex was actually a good thing to do after a tear (after around 3 months) as it helps to break down any scar tissue and get things back to normal. So there's an extra benefit in there for you other than the obvious!

sfxmum · 20/04/2010 20:50

That was one thing we wanted to get out of the way as soon as reasonably possible so as not to become an issue
as I recall it was more let us get on with it rather than a 'romantic' event (as if)
but we both had a laugh, probably the best attitude

cleo78 · 20/04/2010 20:55

I've just remembere a conversation with my dh when I was pregnant...
We were talking about sex, and apparently one of his friends told him it would be about six weeks before we could 'do it' again. I laughed, and insisted it would never be that long....!?!?! What a muppet I was!

Lovethesea · 20/04/2010 21:23

I think realistic expectations are best all round!

We tried again about 5 months after DD's rotational birth and it hurt a bit. I got rechecked by the gynae consultant after my physio had concerns about the scar tissue I had internally and a few more tries later over the next couple of months and it was ok again.

DH goes off it entirely when I'm pregnant and I am now 31 weeks with #2 so it has been a rare thing for us for a looooooong time now. I'm looking forward to getting a sex life once all this childbearing is done. 2 children it is!

Original poster

OooohWhatIfItHurts · 20/04/2010 22:45

You're all very lovely and supportive but I've just found something which has thoroughly freaked me out.

I thought I'd carry out a little inspection of my nether regions to reassure myself that I was all nicely healed so that sex should be okay... only to discover a flap of flesh which clearly has come unstitched.

Aargh aargh aargh! Doesn't hurt, or bleed and there doesn't appear to be a deeper split, but still - now I need even more reassurance.

Anyone else had stitching issues?

OP posts:

hellymelly · 20/04/2010 22:49

I had a c-section and I was worried it would hurt like hell having read something somewhere to that effect.That combined with birth trauma,constant breastfeedinga dn general tiredness/podgyness meant dd was 6m old before (cough cough)relations were resumed.It was fine.I laughed.It didn't hurt.I forgot about my podge for a while.

umf · 21/04/2010 10:06

I couldn't enjoy it until had finished breastfeeding at 11 months. At first I thought it was the episiwotsit scar hurting, but more likely the bf hormones making lubrication all wrong. And I wasn't on the pill cos of bf so we tried to use condoms, which I find uncomfortable anyway. So all a bit of a washout until bf over. This time will just accept that and not give myself grief.

Stitching - go and get a dr to look at it. I did, she didn't think it was a strange q at all, and she checked v carefully for me.

legallyblond · 21/04/2010 11:39

This whole post I am going to write may be TMI - sorry!

I have not had a child (yet! nearly 18 weeks now!) but a few years ago had a labial abcess and had major surgery down there, complete with dressings then stiches etc etc.

I was terrified that sex would hurt etc, but after a few weeks, found that some of my tension/anxiety decreased by cuddling and v gentle touching by my DH followed by oral sex (me to him). A little later, I allowed him down there for oral sex to me too... Working up to the real deal in stages like this over a number of weeks made it all much less of a big trauma. I think that the fact that I didn't feel guilty (as he was being regularly "serviced!" orally) also really helped me to feel less tense.

As for your body issues - I SWEAR your DH will not notice/care/mind in the least. He wants you, as you are.

DefNotYummyMummy · 21/04/2010 12:35

I did something similar like legallyblond - I gave DH oral sex until I felt ready to try penetration. As I don't mind doing it, and I wasn't feeling very sexual myself, it was the best solution. Everyone happy all round and I didn't feel guilty about abstaining.

Then it was lots of KY and slowly - oh so very slowly. DH very understanding and gentle.

lumpasmelly · 21/04/2010 13:08

oh gosh - I can SO relate....i was petrified after both DS1 and DS2.....some wine and lots of KY jelly helps. However, IF you are breastfeeding, you can get super dry down there and this can actually cause more discomfort than stitches......this happened to me (OB said it was mother nature's contraceptive!)and I was given some pessaries that worked a treat and totally made things feel right again down below!

DoulaKate · 21/04/2010 20:21

Hi. If you have a flap of flesh that wasn't there before, it might be best to just get it checked out at the doctors to put your mind at rest. Believe me, things can change a lot down there after having a baby, but it doesn't sound like you're going to jump from the bedroom chandeliers until you feel 100% comfortable. As a lot of posts have said, I bet your husband doesn't care about the marks, the boobs, or the flabby flesh (I had all that even before I got pregnant and my husband was still gagging for it!). Get some professional reassurance, then go for it!!

wickedfairy · 22/04/2010 08:42

We did it after nine weeks but only really because I wanted to get it our of the way (the first time, post-birth). I was worried it would hurt, tear open where I had been stitched, worried it would feel really loose for DH, etc.

He said it was totally fine and felt the same, I thought it was a little strange, but that's because I was worried - at least we got it our the way though! Took a while to get back into the swing of thigs and now preg with DC2, don't do it that much as i am knackered and not really up for it.

DH was just careful he didn't hurt me and I have no idea if he really thought it felt the same, I just though he must feel like he was sh*gging the mersey tunnel!

thesecondcoming · 22/04/2010 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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