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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Why do I torture myself reading these threads?

14 replies

BicycleBelle · 08/04/2010 16:34

Even though my "births" were years ago now, I still feel I failed because of my 3 emergency c-sections. Somehow I can't seem to resist picking the scab of my hurt by reading about other people's wonderful births and feeling even more useless afterwards. I really wish mumsnet had been around before I had my first child 13 years ago, as I might have been more informed and avoided my disasterous attempts at childbirth. I keep telling myself that all that matters is healthy children, but I still can't get over the feeling of both having failed and also of having missed out on experiencing a proper birth ( I always think my children were delivered rather than born). Any tips to get it out of my system?

OP posts:
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luciemule · 08/04/2010 16:47

Either speak to a counsellor who specializes in birth debriefing or a good doula who can listen to your birth stories. Also, have you purchased your hospital notes from labour (not just the community midwife ones). They cost approx a tenner but well worth it. After having PND with my first, someone suggested I bought my notes and had a really good look at what actually happened because it's not always how you imagined it. For some reason, until I had read my notes, I had convinced myself they had given me a blood tranfusion and not told me! I got a bit loopy, thiking I had a strangers blood in me! Luckily when I read my notes, all became clear and I realised I hadn't had one at all.
I think it would make a huge difference to how you feel though - I also felt like I hadn't given birth to my dd and was a failure; especially as I'd planned a beautiful water birth that didn't happen. I was so pleased that my DS was born VBAC but still felt that DD hadn't been 'born'. I'm fine with it now thought because I spoke to someone about it. I think you might find that it's not the fact that your children weren't born but the fact you weren't in control of the birht and that's where talking to a counsellor will help you..

Lovethesea · 08/04/2010 21:22

I'd second the counselling route - I can't read the waterbirth type stories because I am so sad that I ended up with emergency forceps and damage. I can read the other emergency type births ok so I know I am all distorted on what childbirth 'should' be and what fits my experience.

I'm pregnant with #2 and have just started seeing a psychologist at the hospital re:birth trauma from DC1's arrival. They fear I am at risk of PND if I don't get some help with it. I just want to move on but being pregnant and having an elective ahead means that's not easy.

Getting your notes and getting some professional support would seem the next step if you can- I've only spoken once to the psychologist so far but already felt huge relief.

FatSeal · 08/04/2010 21:28

i would definitely second the advice above to seek professional help- you can go through your notes (they waived the fee for mine) with the hospital, have counselling and/or CBT treatment. I did all of these things to get better (and the relief from doing so is immense).

Not sure of the best place to start and it depends on what's in your area but perhaps a birth debrief/ notes session with the hospital would be the way to go.

The Birth Trauma Association have a good website with how to get help and request your notes etc sections on it here. Good luck with your recovery, it makes no odds that it all started 13 years ago, if that's the case then you really have suffered for too long and it's time to get it treated.

BicycleBelle · 08/04/2010 23:16

Thanks everyone. It all seems a bit stupid seeing as my youngest is now 8, but if I am honest with myself I had a third child to have another attempt at a VBAC, and if I could have persuaded by husband probably would have carried on until I got there! I don't admit to having had a c-section in most birth conversations, so I've definitely got a hang up about it. Good luck with your next birth experience, Lovethesea, and thanks for the link Fatseal - I will pluck up the courage to explore it.

OP posts:
luciemule · 09/04/2010 09:47

Hi BB - if you think about it, the c-section, although not the first wish for most mums, is just a fall-back safe route for delivering the baby; without the c-section, many more mothers and babies wouldn't make it! If a vaginal birth was the only option and nobody in history knew that performing a section could safely deliver babies, then we'd be worse off. Hospitals never do a c-section just because they feel like it and the NHS don't do them anymore for people just because they don't want to push (unless birth phobia etc).
Anyway - your youngest being 8 doesn't make a difference - you need to be helped through your birth trauma and the above suggestions will help you. My dd is now 8 and I'm now comfortabel talking about my pnd but still get teary. I'm now a doula so I understand the importance of debriefing our births and know how upsetting it can be to not get the birth you've planned for. You would be surprised at just how many mothers feel terrible guilt because of the birth they didn't have.

TuttiFrutti · 09/04/2010 16:02

BicycleBelle, do you mind explaining why you think if you had had more information you might have avoided your "disastrous attempts at childbirth"? What was the reason for your c-sections, and was it the same reason each time?

I found it really sad reading your post. I know where you're coming from, as I felt very similar after my first emergency cs, but have come to terms with those feelings now. Not "got over" exactly, as I still have flashbacks 5 years on, but I can live with what happened now.

Would you say you are a perfectionist in other areas of your life? I'm a bit of a control freak, and I think this added to the problem. I planned a "perfect birth", and then was super-gutted when it didn't happen.

porcamiseria · 09/04/2010 17:37

hey, I used to feel the same, but reading here has made me feel better not worse! I have stopped thinking it was my fault!

I feel sad you feel this way, really.

I can type some platitudes byt maybe get some help from the BTA

and stop reading said threads!

for every "natural" birth there is one than ended in EMCS

good luck

BicycleBelle · 09/04/2010 23:49

OK Tutti Frutti, I'll try to keep it brief and not too bitter!
DD1 13 years ago: Was induced at 41 + 3, and again at 41 + 5. By that stage I was convinced that there was no baby there and that I was the victim of some cruel hoax. I was just so desperate for this baby to come I went along with everything blindly. I just wish I had known more about induction and the percentage that end up in c-section. I wish someone had told me that it wasn't a problem being late, and that because she had been breech until 39 weeks, it often takes a couple of weeks to get in the right position. I don't think she was ready to come out, and her head never got properly engaged. I also did was I was told without question through out the labour - drip, OK, break waters, alright, have epidural because we are going to up the drip speed - whatever you say. Clip on the baby's head and a dozen med students to watch - no problem. I was induced on Weds and Fri, eventually got to 10cms dilated by early hours of Sunday, utterly miserable and exhausted, forceps and ventouse by mid morning Sunday, gave into C-section shortly after. Blood transfusion on Monday, first comment that I was lucky having "the easy way out" by the Tuesday, and nearly a week until I was well enough to go home. Reason for c-section "failure to progress". I hate that word failure.
DS1 10 years ago: 41 weeks, but went into spontaneous labour this time. I remember very little about this birth, for reasons I am not too sure about. Probably went into hospital too soon, but after c-section they scare you witless about possibility of scar rupture. Refused epidural, like I had refused induction, so I was learning. Was coping well on gas and air, even though it was a back to back presentation, but did have pethidine which may be why I don't remember so much. Another long labour, and after 24 hours with a long latent phase when I was told I wasn't really in labour but it sure hurt like it, I was knackered again. Reached 9.5 cms dilated and midwife told me to push even though I had no urge to do so and was not fully dilated. Don't understand that. At this point the baby became distressed and it was suddenly an emergency and I was in theatre and under a GA before I knew what was happening. I didn't come round until DS was about an hour old, had his first bath, and was in a baby gro. I couldn't accept he was mine, even though he looked so like my brother I knew he must be really. I wouldn't hold him or feed him until I overhead the midwives planning to give him a bottle, and then I gave in. It took me weeks to love him though, and I really resent the fact that he was cleaned and dressed before I had even seen him.

DD2 8 years ago: Definitely conceived partly from a desire to have another go at a proper birth. My GP referred me to a psychologist because of my refusal to have an elective c-section. Psychologist was great and wrote to the GP to say that I was taking a perfectly rational decision. This one should have been the success - actually went into labour on my due date to my great surprise. Again, I was expecting long and slow like the other two, but she was in a hurry. Woke up with first pain at around 5a.m., had to wake the neighbour up to sit with the older two as I wasn't expecting to need care arranged for at least another week! Was fully dilated by the time we reached hospital at around 6a.m. This was great and I was really optimistic - fast and painful but so much more bearable than slow and painful. I was involuntarily pushing in the lift outside the maternity unit. However, the moment we reached the labour ward things went down hill. Firstly I was shouted at by a MW when I declined her request to climb up onto a couch to be examined, and that really upset me. Luckily someone replaced her who was willing to kneel down to examine me, and then all hell was let lose. The baby's cord was presenting ahead of her and at every contraction it was being crushed and no O2 was getting to the baby. Once more it was action stations and before I knew it I was thrown on a trolley on my way to theatre. One thing I was grateful for was that because I was screaming that I didn't want a GA (loud and repeatedly according to my DH) a wonderful anaesthetist actually climbed onto the trolley with me as it was being pushed along and got some sort of spinal block into me. DD2 was born by c-section about 10 mins later, within 30 mins of us arriving at hospital. She was fine, despite the panic, and roared the moment she was pulled into the world. Unfortunately the block I had wore off shortly afterwards and I was in the most agonising pain from then on. DH had to rush home to relieve the neighbour with the kids so I was left on my own in the most incredible agony. I'm not sure who screamed more, myself or DD. I still shudder when I think of that pain, as I was so hysterical that all the opiates they pumped into me didn't seem to work for hours.

So - there you have it. An A-Z of every way not to have a baby! If I was 5 years younger I think I would definitely have one more go . . . .

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MillyMollyMoo · 09/04/2010 23:53

my disasterous attempts at childbirth
It's not like making a baked alaska there's no right way just a way that you and the baby come out in one piece.

BicycleBelle · 10/04/2010 00:56

So people have told me before, but it doesn't feel that way to me. I can't rationalise it, its just the way I feel. Same as people who have problems breast feeding, or need IVF - its just not how it was supposed to be. As Tutti Frutti said, maybe its something to do with wanting things to be perfect, or coming from a competitive family. But you would be amazed how people do make comments along the lines of "of course, you didn't have to do the hard part" or such like. Makes me feel like I cheated somehow.

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TuttiFrutti · 10/04/2010 14:14

MillyMollyMoo: "it's not like making a baked alaska". Well, no. And if you make a bad baked alaska, you can just have another go and carry on until you perfect the art and are a crack baked-alaska-maker. Most women only give birth two or three times in their life, so if you feel you have got it wrong, you can't just carry on trying.

BicycleBelle, thanks for having the courage to relive your traumatic experiences in that long post! You clearly had a lot of very bad luck coupled with medical negligence: cord prolapse with third baby and midwife asking you to push when not fully dilated with second.

BUT you did absolutely all that you could. You persevered and you managed to go through labour and get to fully dilated (or near as dammit) in three births. That is an incredible achievement - and then you saved your babies' lives by agreeing to a cs in each case.

Please don't misjudge your own achievement here. The fact you called them "births" in inverted commas in your OP really made me feel sad, as you carried those children for 9 months and did everything in your power to get them out safely, and that's all any woman can do. Sometimes you are dealt a bad hand of cards, and not even the best poker player in the world could win a game with it, but the skill lies in giving it your best shot.

porcamiseria · 10/04/2010 20:54

you have been unlucky, in that you did not get the births you wanted, but you were lucky to have 3 healthy kids! 50 years ago, this would not be the case. you might have died, or they might have died to be frank.

I dont know what to say, but you are being way too hard on yourself. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. agree completely with Tutti

BicycleBelle · 10/04/2010 23:48

Thanks TF - you have been incredibly understanding and it really helps!
Porca - I know the most important thing is the 3 lovely kids, and I am so grateful to have the gorgeous things. I know someone who has had several miscarriages and a still birth, and that really puts things into perspective. Thats why I have never really sought counselling or other help.
However, it doesn't take away the doubt that their births might actually have been better without modern medicine. I could be way off beam, but I suspect that the medical intervention was at the route of most of the problems. If I could turn back time I would never agree to the induction and would have found supportive experienced doula-type help instead. Nothing actually went wrong with the first one apart from being over due and not delivering within the hospital's timescale. My MiL tells me she was 3 weeks late with my DH, and no one blinked an eye. But, on the other hand, may be we'd have both died - I suppose I'll never know for sure.

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porcamiseria · 11/04/2010 09:29

I think you need "completion", a very waffy term I know. But some type of intervention to ackowledge, grieve, then say goodbye to these experiences. then you can move on in peace. If it is grieving you so much, so something abiout it x

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