If you were me, when would you book DH's flight home for the birth?

[Boobz]

I'm pregnant with DC2. My DH has to start his new job overseas before the birth, but is going to come back for the birth and 2 weeks paternity leave. He then has to go back to his job, and me and the kids will join him about 6 weeks later after the baby has had its jabs (job is in Africa) and I've packed up the house, got it rented etc.

DC2 is due June 9th. I went into labour with DD at 39+6 and she was born 4 days later (veeeeery long latent stage).

DH needs to book his flight for when to come back. We were thinking of him taking 5 days holiday plus the 2 weeks paternity leave... so booking the flight for 2nd June (as 5th / 6th is the w/e and not counting as holiday days).. do you think this is early enough? Did all your 2nd labours kick off pretty much the same as your first in terms of due date? Or were they much earlier / later? I don't want him to miss the birth, but also don't want to book flights too early and waste paternity leave (which will kick in after the 5 days holiday have gone by - not when baby arrives, IYSWIM).

What date would you pick, if you were me?

err my DD1 arrived on EDD, DD2 on EDD + 4 and DD3 on EDD + 8... First labour is not necessarily a predictor of second and subsequent ones.

I'd actually book flight for after EDD - if he misses the birth it's so not the end of the world compared to wasting precious leave when you have 2 DCs and he's in Africa. With a second child his role is to care for the first child, take care of you and then bond with the baby, in that order!

I'd book the closest Friday to June 9th. He will bond with your second child over time and feel just as much love as he does for first child but at the very beginning there will be two small children needing huge reassurance from parents - DC1 form him and DC2 from you.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advicec pofaced - the thing is though, I am having a homebirth, and so him being at the birth is pretty high on my priority list - I know I couldn't have coped with a 4 day latent labour without him! I almost certainly would have thrown in the towel and gone into hospital, and think I will very much need his support this time around as well.

I have thought about getting a doula on stand by, but it was SO important for me to have him experience the birth with me last time, and help me through labour, that I don't think I will feel different this time around...

But I do understand what you are saying... am so torn as don't want to waste precious time with all 3 of us either!

I was later with second baby - 38 weeks compared to 36. From comparing with others' experiences I'd say the norm is for your second one to be within a week of the first, unless the first was really overdue in which case you'd be induced a bit earlier maybe with second.

Can you not wait until much nearer the time?

It may become apparent in May that you are very likely to 'pop' earlier - baby that's very low/engages early etc or any complications that would mean setting an induction/caesarian date. it seems quite early to be guessing as who knows how the baby will be lying etc.

The most important issue to consider maybe at this stage is what are your contingency plans? Do you have cover for DC1 if you go into labour two weeks before DH's flight is booked?

Personally, I think you need to try to be of the mindset that he may well NOT be there for the birth, and plan accordingly. there are too many imponderables to be really sure that he is going to hit the delivery date with a 3 week window. Do you have anyone else (your mum?) who could stay with you for the birth and then make sure he gets there as soon as possible afterwards?
Who is helping you sort the house packing out?

DD was on due date. DS1 a week late. DS2 3 days early.

I was 2 weeks early. My older brother was 1 week early. My younger brother was late.

If I was you I would book flight home for no earlier than the due date. But would seriously look into support in case he can't be there.

Not sure about when we have to book flights... I'm one of those get-everything-prepared-ages-in-advance people, so had started thinking about flights now... but you're quite right, we can probably wait until we have more of an idea of whether there are any factors which might mean I am likely to pop earlier.

Have a sort of similar issue boobz, my DH is probably going to work at the World Cup and I am due end of July. Trouble is, I have to make the decision - encourage him to take chance of a lifetime job, and possibly miss birth of DC2, or expect him to turn it down.
Can your DH come back at short notice if needed? And do you have family nearby?

Elliott - Yes I have started to think about how to plan for the birth if he isn't there in time, like getting a doula on stand by and having a friend take in DD when labour starts. My mum would not be a good birth partner, but she's too ill anyway to help out (and too far away) so is not an option.

But it does make me feel a bit sad that he might not be there, for the emotional side of things, as well as the support side of things (he will be so upset to miss it having been so integral in DD's birth - he caught her!)

The packing is done by a company that comes to the house and does it all for you - I don't have to lift a finger! Thank god... is going to be hard enough running around after a 15 month old and BF-ing a newborn (and walking the blimmin dog).

He can come back earlier at short notice but I think we have to cover cost of changes to flight - not a huge problem really. No family nearby - Mum in Norfolk, Dad in Texas USA and brother in Leeds (we're in London). PIL are in Wiltshire about 2.5 hours away, and they may well be able to take DD if I need them to, but to be honest, I'd rather not ask them to as I find them quite stressful (and I will already be stressed if DH is not home in time!).

What are you going to do Muddler?

I don't know - probably tell him to go but that first sign of problems baby and me come first. Had a pretty traumatic first birth experience and I suppose that is making it even more difficult. And would probably have my mum here which is as stressful as you find your PILs!

DD 40+2, DS 40+3.

If it was me I would book flight for around due date but book a doula just in case and try to come to terms with fact he might not be there. You may not have a 4 day labour this time.

The baby could be 2 weeks early. Or two weeks late. You just can't tell. But I think that perhaps your body will not let you go into labour until he's arrived!

DS was due on Friday of the May bank holiday. My parents live in Scotland - and my dad wasn't working on the bank holiday - I said to my parents why don't you come for the weekend, you can look after DD when I have the baby, and meet your grandson! My Mum and my sister laughed and laughed at me - saying I couldn't possibly predict a month in advance when he was coming but my Dad booked the flights and I got the last laugh when i went into labour on the sunday of the bank holiday as predicted and my parents were around to look after DD and there to greet me when I came home from hospital.

That would be good - some kind of instinct from your body about not going into labour until he walks through the door. That would be nice.

I'd tell him to go as well Muddler - but I feel your pain with letting him go. I don't know how I would have coped without him with DD's labour and birth... but now I know what to expect, I do feel a bit better about the idea of him not being there, and having a good substitute (doula) in place.

I'm bloody hoping I don't have a 4 day labour again!

A doula might be an idea as a plan B - have you contacted anyone yet?

Yes, she's my ante natal yoga teacher so I know her really well from my first pregnancy, and I'm going to yoga again for this one. I also went to her active birthing yoga workshop (with DH) the first time around, so I know she has all the same kinds of ideas surrounding birth as I do. I did make DH massage my sacrum for about 250 contractions though - I'm not sure I can ask her to do that?? She will probably die of boredom if I do...

If you feel comfortable with the doula you were thinking of booking, massaging you is excatly part of her job! She won't die of bordom! She might also do some other holistic therapies which she can do for you during the labour. It would prob be good to book her as it gives you someone else to run around after you and keep an eye on your older child.

Depending on the cost you may want to consider getting a plane ticket that can be changed then you have the freedom to say get an early flight or later depending on you feelings. Also check out local flight brokers which specialise in african flights as they are often cheaper as its mainly people who are from africa who use them and therefore they find the best deals so people can visit their families more often. Plus with some companies the luggage allowance if ever applicable is almost unlimited something like 60kilos. (sorry just re read thread and so the above advice will be more applicable to flights that aren't covered by the company).

1st - 39 + 3
2nd - 38 + 2
3rd - 40 + 5 !!!

all three were head down from between 25 - 30 weeks and were engaged from 30 - 32 weeks so i don't agree that either of those is any indication of impending labour.

I think considering the circumstances you really need to plan the labour with the presumption that he won't be there and consider it a bonus if he is.

I'd book the tickets for a couple of days pre due date myself and hope that i wasn't stuck on my own with a newborn for too long before he came home... have you considered hiring a doula to stay on post birth as well in case he's not there?

Thanks for your messages guys. Is it really in the Doula's job description to keep an eye on DD?

Loopy - I would never go for an induction - heard too many nightmare stories of how inductions end up with complicated, intervention-led births and I want to steer as clear from that as poss. I realise this isn't always the case, but I want to maximise my chances of a natural home birth as much as possible (and if I'm really honest, this kind of birth is more important to me than having DH there.... if he has to watch me have an episiotomy and then forceps, or perhaps even a section, then it wasn't really worth it making sure he was there, IYSWIM.

Right, so a couple of days before due date seems to be the consensus - that's what I think we will do.

Can you hire post birth doulas? What do they do? How long do they stay? What I think I'd really need is a nanny for DD!

Lots of doulas offer an extended service where they stay on after the birth for a few weeks and help with childcare and generally mind the new mother. Certainly worth looking into considering your circumstances