Anger and childbirth

[Glubs]

Not sure where to start really. I gave birth nearly 5 years ago and it was horrific. It took me over a year to get over it physically and I guess I have to admit that even now I'm now not over it mentally. The problem is that lots of my friends are pregnant or just had babies and it makes me so angry when I hear that their births were ok. I watched some of the 'One born every minute' series and again it made me furious that people were making such a fuss over such easy births.
I realise the problem is mine but I just don't know how to move on and let it go and be pleased for others who don't have a hard time and recover well rather than being resentful.
I know there's lots who had a far worse time than me so why can't I be grateful?

Hi - I am really sorry to hear this.

I have personal experience I think might help you but am unhappy to post to all.

You can contact me via the website when you are ready to talk/hear.

I am thinking of you and sending good vibes. x

I am sorry that you are still suffering-have you had another child since? I didn't have a horrific time with my first child but it was traumatic and very frightening and took me a long time to come to terms with,however I feel that the birth of my second child was a really healing process and somehow made me feel better about the first time,even though I ended up having another c-section .I think you need some help with your (perfectly reasonable) feelings and maybe the poster above me will be able to help you.I hope so.I do understand you and your feelings,if that helps.I suffered terrible jealousy when hearing about lovely homebirths.

Grateful for what? You obviously had a terrible time. I don't think you need to feel happy for people that have had an easier time of it than you. It doesn't make you a bad person to feel like you were hard done by because you most likely were.
Have you had any counselling to help you come to terms with what happened?
Give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel angry that this happened to you/ sad that you missed out on a lovely easy birth.
Hope you get some peace of mind soon.

Thanks girls, it's good to hear you are 'allowing' me to feel resentful. Most people I've spoken to (and that's not many) tell me to get over it and think of all the people who had it worse than me. They're right of course but if it's still affecting me 5 years later then I'm obviously not doing a good job of letting it go.

I did have counselling after the birth but that was for PND and not the birth itself. I was at one stage offered the chance to speak to one of the MWs at the birth but I turned it down and I regret that tremendously.

I've not had another child. Hubbie and me are very happy with our little family and neither of us want any more (and the amount of tactless comments I get about that could fill a whole other thread!).

Anyway, I am mostly fine but some days it's challenging. I'm going to visit a friend and her new baby next week and I just know I'm going to find it hard not to be cross. She sounded so chirpy when I spoke to her on the phone two days after giving birth.

I think I will contact kitchensinkdrama and see what gives.

Just because you turned down a de-brief doesn't mean you can't ask for one again. It sounds like you need it very much. I am sorry you had such a bad time.

Big sympathy to you Glubs. Your post made me moved to add my twopence worth (after weeks of just lurking on mn) as I share your feelings. Am currently pg again and I recently had long interview with specialist midwife (during which I blubbed pathetically) going through previous labour notes and it did really help to untangle my feelings. Also I have listened to some hypnotherapy CDs and found that to be helpful.

Haven't let go of all of my resentments though. What bugs me is, people who have had an easy time of it (like my sister for example) tend to pride themselves on how well they coped (Oh I was doing the washign up at home until I was nearly 7cm dilated LOL) - when really it's just luck of the draw, position of the baby etc ...

Sure it wouldn't be too late for you to ask for similar debrief. And I hope you get someone who is really sympathetic and has enough time for you.

Hi, you poor thing Glubs.

I had a very traumatic 3rd birth, and I am now pursuing legal action against my NHS trust. I am very angry at the way I was treated by some staff and the incompentence.
However I would recommend a debrief session with a supervisor of midwives or AMP (or similar). I found mine very helpful, I know now that I made the right decisions at the time and that my EMCS was inevitable really and couldnt have changed.
I am also awaiting treatment for PTSD. Is this something you think you could be suffering from? (especially if you still feel like this 5 years on).

FWIW I cant watch any birth programmes, although tis still early days for me.

I do understand how you feel about other's births though, I do feel like that, despite having 2 normal births myself I am terribly jealous almost to the point of spiteful about other people who have had good births IYKWIM

HTH you are not alone in feeling like this

Glubs, that is just how I feel too. I have spent all week getting upset over a colleague of DH's whose wife just popped one out last week, all according to plan and wasn't it an amazing thing to witness etc etc. Well bully for them, they got very bloody lucky IMO. I feel horrible, and wouldn't have wished them ill, but to hear them go on about how wonderful it was makes me so angry

dd1's birth left me in a terrible state mentally, and I always thought we would never have another child. It took at least 4 years, in which time I did a lot of counselling for the PND and CBT for the PTSD, made an official complaint to the hospital and had meetings with them, to get it resolved. Even now I would never watch OBEM or similar, although I used not to watch TV at all in case a birth scene was sprung on me.

Babbling on a bit there, but what I meant to say was, it's not too late to get help sorting out the after- effects of the birth. Perhaps arranging to go through your notes in a debriefing at the hospital would help, or speak to your GP (if they're reasonable). I also had some very supportive emails from the Birth Trauma Association, have a look here

Good luck and best wishes

Hi

I am really sorry to hear this and i couldn't help but think of these people

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/counsellors.htm

sorry if you have already tried them.

o you poor thing. it is completely ok to feel resentful and still upset about this. talking is such good therapy - particularly with someone who has been through similar and so I think you are on the right track there. I had a pretty awful first birth,. due to the most insensitive judgmental religious freak of a midwife and never complained about her and really really really wish I had now. 10 years on, it is too late, but if you still have the chance to meet with yours - take it. get everything off your chest.

Just to see you people use words like 'jealous' and 'spiteful' is extraordinarily reassuring. I honestly thought I was alone in feeling like this. Thank you for sharing.

I think I've left it too late for a debrief now with people who were present at the birth (I've obviously spoken to my husband but he doesn't remember details, he was pretty traumatised seeing what I was going through).

I guess my key issues are:

1. I feel like I was punished for being brave as I was so dilated when I went to hospital that they said it was too late for pain relief.

2. I resent the fact that everyone said once the birth is over the pain is over. I was in more pain the 24hours after I gave birth than the birth itself and wasn't pain free until months later.

3. I feel tremendous guilt for initially rejecting my daughter as I felt she had caused all my physical trauma. This inevitably turned into PND.

4. I want to be able to celebrate my friend's new babies and their births rather than feeling angry.

Having said all of that, I'm lucky. On a day-to-day basis, I'm very happy. My daughter and I have a great relationship and she's amazing. I actually think I'm doing quite a good job as a Mum and the most important thing of all is that none of this has affected her, and my relationship with her.

what do you mean by initially rejecting her? How long for? I have to say I don't understand the way that when you have just squeezed a person out of your body the midwives seem to think it is all of our hearts desires to have that person plonked onto our quivering shambles of a body still wracked with pain. In all 3 cases I just wanted Dh to hold the baby in the immediate aftermath so I could have a rest after the birth! So many presumptions and ops to 'fail' if you don't do exactly what is proscribed from the moment of birth! You are a good mum now and that is all that matters. my kids cant even remember what happened last year, never mind during babyhood.

It sounds like some counselling would be a good idea, my impartial thought are:

1. I feel like I was punished for being brave as I was so dilated when I went to hospital that they said it was too late for pain relief.

This seems to be a story I've heard too many times, including many friends who have gone in, been sent home and when they have come back been told too late for pain relief even though their birth plans says they want epidural. You were not being punished for being brave, just lucky that you didn't need to go in earlier - with my first despite being in terrible pain all night (9 hours) got into hospital to be told not dilated at all. I would much rather have got in and been told it was too late for pain relief.

2. I resent the fact that everyone said once the birth is over the pain is over. I was in more pain the 24hours after I gave birth than the birth itself and wasn't pain free until months later.

I think its relatively common to have ongoing pain for months afterwards esp if tearing, and also normal to be in pain in immediate aftermath, I certainly was - I guess its a different sort of pain though? - This is perhaps something to discuss in counselling?

3. I feel tremendous guilt for initially rejecting my daughter as I felt she had caused all my physical trauma. This inevitably turned into PND.

It sounds like you are a great mum to her now, she clearly doesn't remember at all, again something to discuss in counselling but don't beat yourself up over this - everyone gets hormonal after the birth

4. I want to be able to celebrate my friend's new babies and their births rather than feeling angry.

Please go for counselling so you can stop feeling angry - from what you have said your daughter is healthy and not scarred from the experience. My friend was angry as the pain relief didn't work on her EMCS and she felt them cutting her open but couldn't speak/say anything - but with counselling she got over it

I've had a look at the birth trauma website and had no idea such a thing existed. I read some of the birth stories on there and thought 'mine doesn't seem anywhere near as bad as that, what am I making a fuss about' but after being inspired by you all and reading your helpful posts, I've decided that if mine isn't as bad as some they have there, then they'll probably be able to help me quite easily.

I think I'll definitely get in touch with them.

that sounds very sensible (ie to get in touch with them) its ok to still be upset about it but as you say you can probably be helped.

my view on this is that what was a bad experience for some would be an okay experience for others.... its all relative and dependent on expectations.

Glubs your debrief does not have to be with anyone who was present for the birth.
Its a chance for you to read your own notes and ask questions such as 'why wasnt I given pain relief'.
I asked so many questions at mine and it was very helpful. It can help you to realise either that:
a) things werent as bad as you remember
b) it was a as bad and the hospital were incompetent
c) why decisions were taken and also helping you to understand those decisions.

FWIW lots of my memories were fuddled and arse-backwards. I thought ds2's HR was down for 10 minutes, in actual fact it was 2.5 minutes and I could see this on the trace and also where they had written 'theatre laid up' just in case they needed to get him out.

I think you definately need some counselling. You may have been suffering PTSD, and if left untreated it can get worse.

If you have a supportive GP speak to them about it, or if you can afford it go private, there are plenty of people out there doing EMDR and CBT for PTSD

Glubs, your point 3 about initially rejecting your daughter struck a huge chord- you sound just like me. I blamed mine for hurting me so badly that I was terrified of having her touch me or having to pick her up. Obviously this doesn't exactly start you off on the right foot together. To my shame, it was more than two years later that I finally realised, with a lot of help, that it really wasn't her fault and that I eventually fell in love with her. I can remember picking her up from nursery the day the light really dawned at one of the most exhausting counselling sessions ever, and just sobbing over her in the car with relief and shame. I still feel terribly guilty about it, but she got lots of love and cuddles from DH, and basic care from me, and doesn't remember it now, we have a lot of fun together. Remembering her first year still makes me cry though.

Also, regarding other people's birth stories, mine sounds absolutely fine on paper, no medical interventions whatsoever, and I always feel very lame trying to explain why it had such a horrifying effect on me. Try not to play the comparison game- the only thing that matters is the way the birth felt for you, personally.

Good luck with whatever treatment you decide to go ahead with- the sense of sheer relief when you start to feel better is amazing, like being able to breathe properly again.

Glubs, When I spoke to someone on this website here

An article which you might find interesting

My first labour still gives me flashbacks and nightmares and this is over three years later. Worse at the moment as I have an consultant appointment next week.

But my birth was very typical, hospital inducement, forced to have continuous monitoring not allowed to move off my back. Things got worse and I had loads of interventions resulting in a terrified labouring woman separated from her husband took into a surgical room, baby ripped out and removed from me. I lost so much blood I apparently was moved to HDU unit with beeping machines and oxygen mask...I don't remember much from that point in the theatre.

What happened to me induced hospital birth with interventions apparently is fairly common. Certainly I have read (before my children) many worse births on here.

As the birth crisis lady said it is how you were treated, respected, listened to which makes a difference, not what happened to you.

My second labour was even worse in result (for me my worse nightmare) a c-section whilst I was awake. But thanks to labouring at home for the first 24 hours was great and it was my choice to transfer in to hospital. My DH and Douala supported me and made sure that the medical staff talked to us and we understood what they were doing before they did it etc. It makes a big difference to my mental health.

What I am trying to say, is that there isn't a line in the sand and if your labour was this bad you are 'allowed' to be upset.

The birth crisis lady said some women had very quick straightforward labours yet the speed and surprise of everything was traumatic in itself and triggered PTSD just the same.

I have to say I didn't find going through my medical records helpful. I had it going through my head 24/7 so it wasn't as if I needed a reminder or anything. In my case the midwife pointed out whilst I wept that every action was necessary (well according to hospital protocols) and that no one did anything legally wrong. She was to eager to avoid a law suit.

It was so hard to listen to, as she plainly had no understanding as to what I was looking for. I suppose I was looking for what I had done wrong, why the medical team (whom all were professional etc) didn't feel the need to ask or explain anything to me. They would walk in, cut or inject me, pushing my body around in an intimate way and leave muttering. I need to know why I wasn't worth treating like a person, why our timid questions were sidelined or ignored completely. I was so scared and no one listened to us.

Hi

The thing with the medical debrief of a birth is that it addresses what they did and why, but it doesn't necessarily address the emotions we have about our being subjected to that experience. We know Why they did the stuff they did, but that's not always enough.

I had my debrief (birth afterthoughts) and my notes were written up totally wrongly. The debrief midwife didn't believe me. Luckily DH arrived at the crucial point and backed my version up.

The thing about birth debriefs (as explained by Sheila Kitzinger's daughter Tess) is that they are also a medical justification of what was done. It all helps to prevent legal action. they can nicely explain how all the medical staff were actually right and it was all necessary and we go away quietly with our babies and sadly many of us continue to suffer in silence.

After the debrief my midwife then made me go to the main hosp ten miles away and see a consultant because I'd had an infection after my birth. I felt she was trying to prevent me having a home birth second time round. I was crying when she said I had to go and this was all at the end of my birth debrief (I was pregnant 2nd time).

And when I got to the consultant, he just said he didn't understand why I'd been referred. Neither did I.

I now work as a therapist specializing in birth related trauma. There is a lot we can do for each other to help heal our horrendous birth experiences. I'm thinking of doing a workshop in Birmingham in the next couple of months.

write to me, [email protected] if you're interested.

xxxxx