SIL scared my kids about our homebirth (Grrrrrrrr!)

[Katherine]

Just had a really rotten weekend with both SIL and partners descending on me and not lifting a finger to help with anything. One SIL anounced that she was tired and needed a lie down leaving me to clean up after sunday lunch by myslef. Excuse me who is the pg one here!

Anyway that is a moan for the other thread. I've spent the last week trying to decide how to talk to the kids (3.5 and 4.5) about our HB (due in 7 wks) as part of me wants to chat to them to prepare them and I was thinking of getting DD in charge of nappies and clothes and DS to cut the cord with daddy. However don't want to make too big a thing about it in case they are asleep in bed as I don't want to wake them but don't want them to feel they've missed out either.

So I raised the issue with SIL and she turned round and said "Oh I've already told them that (DS) has to cut the cord and that it will probably be scary cos mummy will be making lots of noise and pushing a lot and the baby will come out covered in blood"

I was speachless. Firstly because its my job to talk to them not hers but most of all because they will now be thinking of the whole thing as scary and yucky. I know its dangerous to have expectations about these things but if its anything like DD's then there was no struggling, no real pain and certainly no mess - which is why I would like for them to be there, if they want to. I feel really upset, like she has stolen something from me and like she has spoilt the whole thing. I know thats a bit OTT but I feel so angry.

So now what do I do with my kids. How can I undo what she has done? And how can I tactfully tell SIL how angry I am (can't tell her what I really think as she can't have kids so would be a bit insensitive but you can imagine what I want to say!)

she sounds like a complete cow, especially if she is the same sil who went to bed leaving you to tidy up!
If I were you I WOULD say something to her - pretty much along the lines of what you have said here - that it is your job to talk to them, not hers, that you are a bit cross about what she said since you were at your last birth, and she wasn't, and there wasn't much noise, or much blood - that you appreciate that she was trying to help but this is a sensitive subject that you want to deal with yourself.

And as for your children, I'd tell them that SIL is a silly billy and it won't be scary at all, and that if the baby comes out looking a bit messy then you hope both of them will help you give the baby a bath, and how nice that will be. Then I'd get a book about where babies come from (dorling kindersley do a good one) and look at the pictures and talk about how the baby comes out and how it has a cord which needs to be cut so that it can come out completely, and see how your ds responds. He may be fine and say "that's my job, isn't it mummy" or he may say "SIL said I had to cut the cord, I don't have to do I mummy" in which case you can tailor your response appropriately.

I'm sorry your SIL has been so insensitive - her actions may actually be related to the fact that she sort of wants to be involved as she can't have children of her own - but please don't think she has stolen anything or spoiled anything - she can't take away the birth, or the presence of your children, or anything really important! best of luck...

ps I'm planning a homebirth and haven't even thought about what to do with ds and dd and how to get them involved - 10 weeks to go - this has made me think - thanks!

A really quick one as supposed to be working...but I was at my sisters birth (I was 4.5) and it was fine but I actually didnt want to see her coming out, my parents didnt pressure me at all. I went downstairs and looked at a book at the crucial bit. Anyway I went in as soon as she was born and was pretty horrified that she was so messy...but was chuffed and touched her and held her - and now we are really really close so maybe that helped? Anyway, trying to say that I think I would have been horrified if I was in anyway expected to do anything (like cut the cord), so dont make a big thing of it. If they want to be there, then cool, but also be prepared for them wanting to go and watch telly.

I think your SIL was very out of order though.

I think she was utterly out of order and that you should speak to her, if you can face it.

I also think it's worth playing it by ear for the birth (I'm hoping for a home birth but my dd is only 2.5, and I don't want her around as I'm quite sure I'll just be screaming and swearing - but that's just me). But you sound as if you've got your plans really well in hand.

Personally it's my MIL who wound me up something chronic by going on about how I'm really much too old to be contemplating a home birth.

Thanks everyone. I don't want the kids to feel pressured into anything. I mean they may be playing outside or watching TV and thats fine - but I don't want them doing these things just because they think its going to be horrible. I had kind of decided that I was going to wait until the labour started before saying anything so that if it was nighttime no problem and they would just come in in the morning (which is what happened with DS when DD came and it was magical), but also I would have a feel then for how it was going to go, time of day etc etc if they are around. I was just worried that was leaving it too late but I also thought it would give me something to focus on when it all started.

I just can't beleive how insensitive SIL can be. She is also the one who told our friends about the pg before we had the chance! I do understand that she probably has mixed feelings, wanting to be a part of it but also finding it painful but TBH after this weekend she's the last person I want around.

I haven't told DH what she's done yet as we spent all weekend moaning about her and I felt he'd had enough.

I think it would be lovely if DS does want to cut to the cord - he's very into how things work and nature and stuff at the moment and if he's doing it WITH daddy then I'm hoping he will find it fun rather than daunting, but its just an idea actually as I'd read it was good to give the children a job which was their own and I won't mind at all if they prefer to just watch, or not to be there at all even.

Also given that DD took 1hr20mins (less than half the time DS took) I have to face the possibility that the kids might well be the ONLY ones here when baby comes (DH works over an hr away and MW got here when I was 8cm last time)! The book thing is a good idea but maybe I need to doctor one of DD's dolls too so they can practice

Thanks for making me feel better.

1 hr 20 mins?!! Well this one will take about half an hour then, you can just plonk them in front of CBeebies when you get a twinge and you'll be showing them the baby when the credits roll on the Hoobs!

PPH has given you some great advice so I won't add much except to say yes, she was grossly insensitive and I don't think I'd be able to keep my mouth shut - how dare she tell them something like that? So I would have to say something I think but PPH is right, she can't really take anything away from you, you are their mum and your children will believe you, not her. So come and join us on the positive home birth thread... PPH at cbeebies!