Do dads always make the best birth partners?

[Nermalstar]

Hi All

I am a writer researching a feature on birth partners. Society pretty much assumes that dads should be and want to be at the birth, but is it always a good idea? I'd love to see responses from any MN mums who chose NOT to have the dad there and have someone else support them instead, OR are there any dads who chose to stay away from the delivery room, and for what reasons? I'd love to represent your views on this.

Thanks
Nermalstar.

If you go by the TV documentary 'One born every minute', then no, all those dads have been, at best, as useful as a chocolate teapot, at worst, bloody bullying and cruel. My DP on the other hand, is the erfect birthing partner, he is calm, attentive, sympathtic, caring and strong. It depends on the fella and whether they genuinely want to be there.

My DH was with me for first DS birth.I knew he wasn't keen on the idea-neither was I!-but he did a good job. He felt he should be able to say he had been there.But I can tell you now,the fact that I was standing on one side of a bed,and he was on the other holding my hand was a major plus,as he "saw nothing".I delivered this way.He rubbed my back when asked,gave me sips of water,told me how brilliant I was doing etc...and was so proud of me afterwards.For DS2,we talked about it and decided to ask my best friend to be birth partner.DH really didn't want to be there,although he would have done it had I asked. But to be honest,I was happy to have another woman there-although my BF has no children.It was all very quick,but she held my hand and encouraged me.Just seeing her face was such a wonderful feeling-I was in transitional stage,WALKING to the Delivery Suite,and really needed someone there.So when she arrived I was so glad.She went home after delivery,and got OH,but didn't tell him anything.So he got a lovely surprise when he arrived,as he really wanted another boy! I think many men are pushed into going-You must be there to see how your partner suffers-it is your duty etc.But if the guy doesn't want to be there get someone who does-it is no big deal.As long as they are there for the child throughout their life,isn't that the important thing?

I would agree with TBMOM, some dads are useless at helping out in labour!
My DH was my rock, I seriously couldnt have done it without him. I knew i could trust him to make any decisions if i was unable to, and he was so supportive and kept a brave face on through the scary times which was what i needed. He's deffo going to be there for this one, due any day now ;)

I don't think "always" is possible TBH.

DH was excellent and I could have managed with just him there. Other people have said their DHs were useless (or worse), each couple need to talk it out before hand and do what suits them both best.

I agree some dads probably won't be much use but my dh was a star - was there for all 3dc and actually delivered ds3 so on my case couldn't have done it without him.

I think the questions as to whether they make the best birth partners, and whether they should be at the birth are two different things.

I can see that there may be other people better equipped to be birth partners (whether a friend, relative or doula).

But I also think that it is important for both parents to be at the birth of their child. Birth is such a hugely emotional experience (as well as physical one), and I think for the woman it is important to see her partner there by their side, and for the partner to be involved in the arival of their child into the world.

Dh was amazing during the births of our dds, in a practical way, but also because he understands me better than anyone else.

Some dads are going to be worst than others, regardless, but going on a course together like a hypnobirthing one for example, can help a lot - an educated dad is probably much more use than a clueless one.

Also there's the fact that, particularly in hospital, the dad can feel like a bit of a spare part, he's an alien environment and surrounded by people who apparently know much more than him, doing strange things to his woman.

I had a homebirth for my second, and that really brought home to me how much better it can be for dads at home - he was kept busy almost the whole time - clearing the room, setting up and filling the birth pool, putting music on for me, getting me water, giving the massage we'd practised beforehand. Then dealing with my dd1, getting her up, getting her breakfast. Then the midwife - getting her coffe and toast. And when he didn't have anything to "do", he was in his own home - so he could do whatever he would normally do - eat his own breakfast, read, surf.

I didn't really need his support as such for much of either birth, so in hospital found it slightly annoying to have him sat there for long periods of time staring into space or reading, obviously rather bored. At home there was so much more for him to do.

I do think it would be not have been very nice for him to have missed either birth though, I feel it was important (for me) for him to have been there, as having children is a team effort for us. Not sure if he feels as strongly about it though.

I think it depends on the preparation. I don't think its a role men are naturally made for, that being said, with the right sort of preparation (we did NCT on first and hypnobirthing for second) dads can be really good birth partners. My DH would not have missed the births even if I had wanted alternative birth partner - he very much wanted to be there.

But as others have the dads on the one born every minute program have been really dreadful and not supportive at all... my DH was great in both births even if he felt a bit redundant at times.

No. My DH is a good husband and excellent father, but I really can't recommend him as a birth partner. Nothing else is really presented as an option though, and it would have provoked a lot of comment not to have him.

DH turned out to be fantastic all three times. But with Number one he wasn't confident at all so I had a good friend there (not one with her own kids) mainly so if he was overwhelmed and had to step out of the room he wouldn't feel he was letting me down. As it turned out he said 'There just wasn't a moment to leave' (despite the midwife telling him to get last orders in). He was fantastic and we had the next two at home. No-one better for me but don't think that's always the case and don't think it's a bad thing to have someone else there if DH isn't going to be at his best in there. Play to your strengths - no shame in not being the kind of bloke who feel comfortable with the whole thing - just find someone who is and get ready to do some cuddling while your knackered partner has a rest.

DP desperately wanted to be a good birth partner. He really prepared for it. Unfortuntely when it came to it he was a waste of space. He wonderful in all respects, but always looks to me for guidance so when I couldn't give it he was a bit lost (literaly, nearly drove us the wrong way to the hospital.)

He'd be devestated if I said I didn't want him to do it though. He considers it his manly duty I told him, he'll have to buck is ideas up next time then.