How did your other half react when you gave birth ?

[LadyMadge]

After the birth of my DS, as I was lying in the labour room, after 9 gruelling months and then a very harsh 26 hours resulting in a CS, my DP couldn't get out and home fast enough and left without so much as a kiss on the cheek to show his appreciation. At least I got a bunch of flowers when I got home.

Then, after another really gruelling 9 months and another pretty harsh 12 hours and an emergency CS resulting in our DD, I got a pat on the leg, told "well done" and then he went to the car to get my bags, gave them to the midwife and didn't come back in to see me. This time I was told that I would enjoy the flowers more if they were still in the garden, and I got nothing at all.

... am I right to feel agrieved by this ? I was assuming that a big kiss, an "I love you" and some sort of flowers/chocs/big pink balloons were the standard way for DP/DHs to react to the person who just gave birth. Am I wrong ?

Ah yes! When I was expecting dd1 I hinted madly that I would love an eternity ring to mark her birth. DH came to visit me after the birth and brought me....a weightwatchers chicken sarnie!

He was proud of me though- I could tell that by the way he told everyone I just "fired her out!"

Maybe they were just so overcome with emotion and lack of sleep their brains got fuddled

Got nowt for the next 2- not even a sarnie! But tbh can't complaon too much, as he was there all the way, and even managed to make me laugh during labour, so he's not all bad!

I had a very difficult delivery, lots of intervention, very long and eventual em cs.

DH was scared/emotional/overwhelmed/tearful/shocked. It was late too so they tried to send him home. He hung on for an hour or so refusing to leave a tearful, post-operative wife but they eventually pushed him out the door. He had no money and no phone. He walked the 8 miles home in tears, showered, cleaned up a bit, turned round and came back, still tearful.

Nearly 3 years later he still tells me how proud he was of me and how in love he was with dd straight away. He's a good egg.

First child I got nowt - no card,chocolates,no soft toy or jewellery.I was on a ward where every other mother had a bedside cabinet groaning under the weight of the gifts.He didnt even say well done or anything - best thing to that is my mother came in in the morning after I had been labouring most of the night and handed him a bacon sandwich - did I get one?She was taken by ambulance transfer to the nearest SCBU where there was a bed and the midwives left me in a ward full of mums and babies while I had been seperated from mine.

Second and third I got much the same from him.

I did get a packet of jaffa cakes from my dad tho with the last baby.

I got the kisses and attention, but no flowers/chocs/balloons.

Bleh to the ballons etc, but YANBU to expect him to stick around and be supportive!

DH had been awake for about 40 hours when I had my emcs but he stayed with me all afternoon and evening until I was settled for the night and then he went home at 11pm. He was back at 7am the next morning with breakfast for me and a teddy and more clothes for both DS and I. He stayed with us until 10pm that night.

Is your DH normally so unsupportive?

Didn't get balloons or flowers or anything, but did get support and love all 3 times.

With DD3, DH came with me into hospital at 2pm for induction, stayed with me until she was born at 03:36, then stayed with both of us till about 06:00, went home and had had breakfast with the two older DDs. Bless him, he had an hour's sleep, went to DD1's playschool sportsday, then came into hospital with DDs and my parents to visit, then back home again. He went up to read the DDs a bedtime story at 7pm - some time later, my mum realised he'd not come back down and went up to find him fast asleep on DD2's bed

Oh I don't give a rat's ass about presents. Never gave chocolates/flowers etc a second thought.

DH cleaned the house while I was in hospital, cooked and froze meals, rang round everybody, wrote me a lovely letter and spent the following weeks and months bringing snacks and drinks/changing the dvd while I bfed the world's hungriest baby. In fact for about 3 months I didn't lift a finger.

He was pretty good during the actual labours, let me squeeze his hand very tight, held the gas and air for me, told me I was doing well... it was just afterwards that there was no affection/appreciation. Second time around he came to visiting hour andlooked round the ward I was in and stated that I wouldn't be wanting any balloons or teddies or other nasty tat like that. It is pointless nasty tat, but I still cried for an hour after he left because I wanted a pink balloon so much... or just any recognition from him at all really. He reacted like I'd just popped into hospital to get my hair done and was having a relaxing break to myself. Even when he talks about the births it's all about what he did, what the staff siad to him about he great he was doing, how annoyed he was that the staff spoke to me and not him about my care... it's like I wasn't there, or certainly like I wasn't doing very much.

You have more issues than balloons I think.

Infact I'm thinking this is a wind-up because I can't imagine any grown woman weeping because she wanted a pink balloon!

Gosh, it never occurred to me to expect presents from my husband. He was there throughout the labour (several days), for the birth, and then roomed in at the hospital with me for the next two days till we were both discharged (slept in a sleeping bag on the floor). So apart from the fact that it was me doing the actual giving birth part, it seemed like such a joint exercise that I wouldn't have expected a present any more than I would have thought to get him one.

LadyMadge, it sounds like your experience was very different. If my husband was only allowed to visit for an hour after the birth, rather than staying with me while we got to grips with How Not To Break The Baby together, I think I'd have expected something too. If only decent food bringing in! You have my sympathies, that does sound awfully unsupportive.

i think the balloons/ flowers thing is for 'externals' rather than dh's - have no idea at all if he brought anything for any of them!

he was faintly shellshocked by dd1 (cs) and was clearly fairly traumatised (not that he would admit) at being there in his scrubs whilst they pushed, pulled and generally yanked her out - he'd only just got back from op tour. with ds1 he fell asleep on the chair beside me (the nurse asked me if i wanted her to wake him up) as it had been a fairly gruelling 24 hours of back to back labour and drips and he'd sustained a head injury and had brain surgery 6 months before... with dd2's hypoxia/ brain damage and subsequent drama (neither of us knew if she was even alive for 4 hours after the birth) neither of us were in the mood for balloons and the like anyway.

i like to think that he appreciated the efforts i went to lol, but i don't really think that being rewarded for it as such occurred to me!

i did enjoy the pink balloons and 'welcome home' sign left on the front door by the neighbours though - i do miss germany!

DP was amazing. He bought (or is it brought? ) up a bag of goodies for me on the visit after the birth, containing everything a woman who has just given birth could possibly want; chocolate puddings, goats cheese, pate, champagne, roses... I also got lots of cuddles and kisses, and a beautiful ring he first time we went out after the birth Bless him. He was so wonderful for the labour and delivery, and I didn't expect anything, maybe that's why it was so special?

It had worked out quite nicely though as I had ordered him a ring which actually was delivered whilst I was in hospital. So we got a baby and a new ring each, can't complain

Dh was pretty good, I think - he stayed with me throughout the day until DS was born around 2am. Admittedly he spent a fair amount of time watching TV while I was semi-comatose between contractions but he was there - and he fetched the MW for me when I told him to. He even held one of my legs while they delivered DS (about 3 mins after the MW arrived) and then he was very sweet, tearful and loving. Very proud of me, loved DS to bits, managed to stay awake until about 4am and then crashed out on the other bed in the room until we were taken down to Maternity again, when he went home. Back next morning, no flowers or balloons but my sis provided those! He brought me food - far more important! And stayed with me, also more important.

Am a bit for you, OP - that would have been pretty devastating for me, imo.

I think the standard to be expected is love, pride and suppoort, not ballons or whatever else . Dh could only be with me for DD1, he was looking after her for DS2 and so on for DS3 and DD4 but as soon as he got the news that they were born was in hospital with the others in tow looking at me and his new DC with so much love. He might have brought things with him, I honestly would not remember because that was definitely not important to me.

I thing maybe you had planned for things to go differently and both your birth semm to have been hard on you.

""Infact I'm thinking this is a wind-up because I can't imagine any grown woman weeping because she wanted a pink balloon!""

I actually can, you are still very emotional after giving birth and yes it is probably "easier" to get upset about a ballon than letting oneself be upset because things did not go as smoothly as what one hoped.

DP didn't get me anything, I don't think, but he was there and he supported me and he was bursting with pride. He knew how terrified I was.

Afterwards when his sister asked if she should get anything for me arriving home again he gave her the excellent advise to bring pate - I think I came in the door, threw the child to his Grandma and scoffed about ten oatcakes in 3 minutes . Way to my heart, y'see!

My dh looked terrified and was pretty quiet after the birth. I think he found the birth harder than I did. I don't remember him saying well done or anything like that but he did get flowers, chocs and champagne for my return home.

I kind of wanted a ring or something but he's never bought me proper jewellery, even the engagement ring was a joint effort. He's not traditional like that and I earn more than him anyway.

What I did find touching is that instead of going home for a sleep he went out and bought the pop, indie and rock number 1 CDs and a couple of newspapers so DD can see what was popular and happening on her birthday. And he cleaned the house.

Well, I didn't get anything. But he was around all the time and supportive. And I appreciate that.
He didn't disappear to make endless phonecalls or anything - that was what I thought he would do. A quick text was all he did.
So I am happy.

Please don't think I am obsessed with pink balloons, I was having my baby blues and just really wanted some show of affection or appreciation from DP. A big cuddle and some words of love would have helped a lot.

It was just that the other people in the ward were dripping in things (including balloons) that their husbands had brought in for them and DP made a point of saying how I he was sure I didn't want any of that nonsense, which just felt like he was saying I wasn't worth any of that effort, and the hurt I was feeling just latched onto pink balloons. I don't need "stuff" for itself, it just would have been something to show his appreciation. In truth I don't think I wasn't missing balloons or chocs, I was missing the love and affection that I expected and needed after the births.

...

Dh was good. He was around all the time and supportive but didn't get in the way. Only went off to make the phonecalls when we'd both decided it was a good time. Had also filled up the freezer and did all the housework for weeks afterwards. After my second labour ended in emc he did all the nappies for several days as I was still a bit wobbly on my feet; I got a shock when I opened ds's nappy and saw how very prem he looked down below- but dh had taken it all in his stride. I felt rather proud on the ward of this competent man when all the first time fathers were looking terrified.