Dh worried he will feel 'left out' with a doula at birth

[Angela82]

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone has ever hired a doula and how their husbands felt about it?

My husband is very supportive with whatever I choose for my next birth but he said he had to admit that the thought of hiring a doula makes him feel like he would be a 'spare part'. I totally understand his feelings and I don't think that I would feel comfortable hiring one if I knew that was how he felt nearer the time too.

However, I would like to ideally and wondered how other people's husbands reacted to the idea of having a doula? If I can tell him some other people's experiences that may reassure him then that would be great!

I have explained that on the doula uk website it says that doulas are not their as a replacement but are there to offer support to both partners and that they also aim to get the husbands involved too, but I'm not sure if he is convinced...

Any advice welcome!

Well you would interview one before you hired them anyway, so you have nothing to lose by doing the interview, and that would enable you to meet one - if you think that might help.

Also, are there any local home birth groups near you? Even if you are planning a hospital birth it could be helpful to go along and chat to other couples, some of them might have had/be having a doula.

Hi,

Forgot to mention, we have met 2 this week and they were both lovely and he liked them too. But he says it's not so much who it is, he just thinks he would feel left out.

I'm glad he told me as I would rather he said how he actually felt than lie and he isn't opposed to the idea completely. He said that is just the way he feels and I wish there were something I could tell him to convince him that he wouldn't be a spare part (I have tried!).

Has he asked this to the doulas though? I think it is a tough one - a lot of Dads do feel like a spare part during birth whether there is a doula there (or other female supporter) or not. It is lovely though that he wants to be involved and be your sole support. It's just niggling at me that - for once, because I am all about equality - you are the one who needs the support during this and you need to decide who will be able to support you the most fully.

Yeah you are right. He actually said that it does make him feel like he isn't giving me the support I need and he thinks that is why I want a doula. I think he sees it as a personal thing between me and him and the baby too.

I was trying to explain that it wasn't to replace him but it's just a kind of supplement support so I have even more!

It is a difficult one-I would hate to hurt his feelings as he is a great support anyway. It's just as it is a vba2c as well I thought it would increase my chances of having a better experience. Not sure really!

Perhaps you could try and make sure they both have separate roles then - his role is to keep you calm and focused, and be more the physical support with back massages, holding your weight while you hang around his neck, etc, (Sounds weird, but I did a lot of this and it helped) and the doula can be there more for translating all the medical jargon and making sure your wishes are communicated to the hospital staff.

A /good/ doula will really help your husband enjoy the birth and show him ways to support you, both physically/practically and emotionally. They can take on different roles. One can talk, one can massage or whatever you need. As Bertie says, a doula is really quite relaxing too for your husband - she's an additional member of your team which means the 'pressure' is off him. If there are decisions to make or you're 'busy', you and your husband can talk things over with the doula. If he wants to be close to you, she can back off. There's nothing to say a doula HAS to do anything other than be a supportive presence if you need her.

I loved having a doula at my last birth. Although I have to admit I was only really aware of her at some points and my husband faded into the background a bit, but she empathised in a way my husband couldn't even though he'd been through two previous births with me. He said he found it a weight off him though because he knew I was in good hands, so he could just sit back, watch and offer kind words

I had a doula for my second birth at home. DH had similar concerns beforehand but now raves about her involvement.

Her presence & experience of childbirth actually helped him take a more useful part in proceedings (she showed him how to massage effectively, they chatted things through together etc). He is not a natural birth companion as he tends to want to solve problems, not provide emotional support or simply accept that his presence can be helpful. She assisted with this by finding jobs for him and also supported him with his feelings at the time, asking if he was Ok with X etc.

I think the important thing is that you are both happy & comfortable with the person you engage to work with you as a doula. He should be able to express his concerns to her & feel at ease with her response to that. Hopefully, prior to the birth, you would all work together to create an approach which is useful & acceptable to you. She is there to support you both.

As others have said, this isn't really about him though, it's about the support that you think you would need in a situation which he will only ever be a bystander & a non-specialist. Perhaps, without negating his enthusiasm to be there & actively participate, you could emphasise that he could share the role of birth supporter? YOu could discuss 'what happens if...?' scenarios (you end up with a csec & baby is in SCUBU - who goes where? /labour is very very long & he becomes exhausted too? /or simply you are approaching the end of first stage & he desperately needs a pee/some food!). It quickly becomes clear that he could benefit from someone else's presence!

I'm sure you've looked at doula.org.uk, there is some info on there too.

Good luck with this.

Sorry, ignore the doula.org.uk hint! Reminder to self - read the OP!

I would suggest sitting down with your husband and telling him what you would like from this birth, and asking him what he would like. Discuss the ways a doula can help you both achieve this. Does he appreciate that a doula is there to help him too? She can help him with the best way to help you at any given time.

Here's an example. My OH wanted to massage my back during labour, and I wanted him to massage it. But he was afraid to apply too much pressure and I ended up getting cross with him, because in my opinion at the time he wasn't doing it properly. A good doula will show him how to do it properly.

Well I don't know about my dh, but you're certainly convincing me! It all makes a lot of sense, what you are saying and I think I'll actually show him this thread so he can read your posts.

One doula we met who is only a couple of roads away from me was really nice and down to earth (I actually imagined they would all be really 'new age' types and she wasn't like that at all!) and I would go with her. Dh got on well with her too I think.

Dh is very much 'if this will help you even a bit during labour then we should get one' but he did express his worries too which is fair enough and I would rather he didn't feel like that at all if we hired one.

I think the fact that she could help show him what to do to help, himself would probably even make him feel more involved in my eyes? As he would know he is doing the right thing !

Really helpful comments - I'm going to let him read them himself. Thanks.

Are you planning a home birth? My ds was born at home and I found that this made dh feel much more involved and 'useful' because he was in his own environment. He could potter around and enjoyed 'looking after' the midwives! At the point my waters broke he was in the kitchen making bacon butties and tea for everyone

A homebirth does really appeal to me actually! Although dh isn't keen at all (although I have said that it is supposed to be just as safe). But to be honest, there are 2 things that put me off homebirth. One is that, even though I know it is safe to have a vba2c at home, I know there will still be a part of me that would worry if there was an emergency. We are 25 minutes from the hospital and, god forbid, if anything bad happened I think I would end up blaming myself.

Also, I have a 2 year old and 4 year old boys and the 2 year old can be quite hard work (he has always been a bit more demanding/tearful/angry/emotional than our older boy!). If he was awake when I was in labour and was crying/screaming or shouting 'Mummy! Mummy!' I think that would actually really stress me out!

I'm going to the birthing unit which is attached to the hospital though (I haven't told my midwife this yet but I know my rights now!) Plus I have heard they are very supportive of vbac at this hospital too.

I'm a doula, and I have to honestly say that every single dad I have worked with has been sooooooo happy to have me there when the time came. I totally understand why dads feel uneasy about their role/the doula's role beforehand and this is something I often work with with couples antenatally making sure I build a really good relationship with the dad. The dad and I really work as a team on the day and I make sure that I am very much in the background, my ideal birth is one where the dad is fully involved and I am really helping them to wor well as a couple. I would even go so far as to say that I have a better relationship with the dad's at the end than the mums! I think this is compounded by the fact I'm a HypnoBirthing teacher too, so often the mums are a little "out of it" (in the nicest possible way ) during the births and it's the dad and I that share most of that labour working together if that makes sense?

I think also I might suggest meeting with more doulas too, two is not that many to meet and it is so so so important that you both REALLY hit it off with the doula, I wonder if your post indicates that perhaps you haven't quite met the right one yet for you both?

I'd also suggest that you ask the doula(s) if she can put your partner in touch with a previous dad she has worked with, perhaps by email, preferably one who initially felt the way your partner does so that he can see that his fears are unfounded.

HTH

Sarah

interesting link about fathers feeling more involved with a home birth than hospital birth

we are hiring a doula for our next birth in may. My Dh is all for it. Before my dd was born I don't think my dh didn't realised just how much I would need him in my line of sight at all times, and I lost it every time he left the room. So for us, the doula is there to do anything that my dh would have to leave my side for, she is certainly not a replacement for him!

I've shown him this thread and he seems to be coming round to the idea of it a bit more!

We did click quite well with this one doula and she seemed good for us.

Thanks for all the info, it is really helpful!

I think it didn't help that dh had never heard of a doula (like many people) and he thinks it is some kind of 'new-fangled' craze (his words not mine!!) whereas I heard about doulas years ago so I've been explaining this to him too.

I hear so many great stories of people who have hired them. I can't see how a little extra support wouldn't help.

He seems to be coming round to the idea more now anyway