Hi, I'm only 32 weeks pregnant but after a scan to check growth last week they said the baby is 'an impressive size' already, almost 5lbs.
During my pregnancy I've fled domestic violence and lived in a refuge with my 3 yr old, and just in the past month settled into our own new home.
I don't have contact with the father of this unborn baby.
In my last labour I was okay because my husband was incredible, I couldn't have done it without him. However he has incredibly scary episodes where he's threatening and violent so I can't be with him.
So I'm alone, in this city with my small child and a big pregnant belly.
I don't have any relationship with any family member where I would feel it appropriate for them to be my birth partner.
I very luckily have my younger sister who can take care of my child while I am in labour, because she is great with kids.
However during my labour I will be completely alone.
I'm scared of going to hospital alone to do it as last time they just popped in and out to check quite scarcely during my 8 hour labour, I didn't get on with the midwife, she said I must have a low pain threshold as I screamed during a pethidine injection.
I had to stay in one position on a bed for 6 hours on a drip because I succombed to having an epidural.
I just don't think there's any chance I could have done all that alone.
I think I will spend my labour alone this time crying, scared, paranoid, angry, possibly hysterically scared towards the end.
They will probably think I'm unstable and can't take baby home alone.
My UPMOST fear is having to stay in overnight or even longer, I have never been able to sleep in hospitals, I need sleep for sanity. I will go crazy waiting 6 hours minimum for a consultant to say I can leave, I will probably discharge myself and the baby and get into lots of trouble.
I just can't cope with the hospital alone.
And seeing other women with loving partners will really make me crazy.
Sleep deprivation and anxiety caused by the hospital will ruin my first few days with the baby.
I just absolutely dread the birth. DREAD.
Like almost want to die than do it.
And I cannot imagine being away from my little son for more than a day, we have never even slept apart since the day he was born. I've tried to sleep in a seperate room in the same house as him before and by 3-4am I went back to our room.
I almost want to have this new baby at home on my own if necessary to prevent the whole hospital/birth thing, I think at home I could have him quickly and in a more controlled way and cope better, rather than having a horrible stressful dragged out birth by in hospital with an epidural.
My midwife mentioned in my situation it's possible to be induced to assure I have childcare for my son at the time of birth.
I wonder if an elective c-section is possible so I don't have to give birth.
This whole thing is a big scary mess so a c-cection would give me some control over things and I could plan and know I could have a good slepe before hand so I'm prepared etc.. and I know what's going to happen. You know?
I can't give birth alone for days on end with all these mostly absent midwives who keep changing shifts and don't care about me, who will hold my hand, absolutely no-one, and I hate to think of leaving my son for more than a night.
And possibly losing my mind because of sleep deprivation, I'm very prone to losing my mind right now and I KNOW sleep is critical.
At home I could co-sleep and breastfeed to get sleep as I did with my son, we slept brilliantly from day one because of this arrangement and I think It's the main reason I things went so well.
What on earth can I do? moan
I often think if labour starts I won't even tell anyone and I'll just call an ambulance when I feel the baby coming out, then they can come here and say we're okay after birth and we'll just stay in our comfy home and be okay.