how to be a good birthing partner

[Helmar]

Any advise please. My daughters baby is due 16th Feb. This will be her first baby and she was not able to go to anti natal classes as was told they were all booked up and she doesnt seem to have a very helpful midwife. She wants me to be there during the birth as well as her partner who has no experience of babies or birth etc. It has been 21 years since my daughter was born and things have changed a lot. I want to be a good birthing partner - please help

Never say 'that's not what they did in my day'.

Be supportive, tell her she's doing really well often, help her write a birth plan beforehand (see examples on here).

Does she come on Mumsnet - is she on the Due Feb thread?

Awww, that is so sweet that you want to help her as best you can.

My advice is: don't be overbearing or try to tell her what to do.

Try not to take any offense if she shouts or swears during labour!

Be a support to her, but give her her own space if/when she needs it.

Follow her lead and let her learn for herself.

I'm sure you'll be a great birthing partner and a great granny. Congratulations!

be prepared to chat loads to her, or keep quiet/ leave her to it. Let her lead..
I was a chatterbox, then a hermit!

work with the partner to give each other breaks, support your daughter with your own particular strengths - and don't be offended if she ends up wanting the partner ! you might just need to leave them to it.

Take something to keep yourself occupied. Don't take smelly food to eat... tuna sarnies and cheese and onion crisps a no-no!
Do work with your daughter to take energy giving foods (dextrose sweets, chocolate buttons) which you can whip out if the need arises.
Talk loads about her wishes, and know the birth plan backwards. But, equally learn what she'd like if there has to be a plan b or c or d

Good luck, you'll be fab because you're asking xxx

Can you get some books about birth to help you both know what to expect? That would be useful for your daughter, and probably also for you as I think you are right that a lot of things have changed in recent years - I'm thinking about things like breastfeeding advice, positions to use in labour and different things you can use for pain relief (from water births to pros and cons of different types of drugs). If she doesn't know the different birth options that are available, she won't be able to think about what SHE personally would prefer in different situations, and to make informed decisions. It is also good to have some idea about types of interventions that might be needed (e.g. what happens if a c-section ends up being necessary), just to be a bit more prepared if things don't go to plan. There may be some NCT books available, or I'm sure people on here probably have some good recommendations.

Oops just saw she is due very soon though, so might be hard to get books in time (unless she goes lots overdue). I think there is also some good information on these things available on Mumsnet too though!

My mum was with me when I had my first and just having her there was the BEST thing! He was born really early so I hadn't been to any antenatal classes either, but having her there just being calm, confident and loving helped so much!
The biggest shock for me was how long it took (kick off Wednesday, baby arrival Friday!), but her gentle encouragement just to get through each contraction bit by bit was marvellous.
She also did wonderful things like put my sweaty hair up for me, fanned my face and massaged my feet.
Am due with #2 this weekend and she is going to be at home looking after #1 - I'll really miss her.

Thanks so much, this is exactly the sort of stuff i wanted to know.
No she doesnt come on mumsnet, she goes on Babycentre but doesnt have the net at her own house.
Because its her first baby and she hasnt had any classes she doesnt really know what she needs to know, if that makes sense.
The Midwife hasnt even mentioned a birth plan to her.
Please keep the advice coming - I knew i could rely on you!!
I am really looking forward to being a granny.

I second all the advice above- it's all good!

Birth plans are necessary, but also there's a need to be a bit flexible- I did often put "will wait and see" as an option (possibly not too helpfully to the staff!) so as not to get backed into a corner with or without something that I didn't know whether I would want to do or not.

It's good to know the details of how the birth happens, but on the day I remember not having a clue whereabouts in the whole process I was, and thinking I would be in complete agony for hours yet when actually it was transition time would have helped. If you could be the "midwife liaison" and make sure this information is communicated to her, I would think that would be helpful.

The overused phrase "just being there" is very very important too- in the end I couldn't stand anyone touching me at all and it was very fast and painful so DH just stayed nearby, in his words "like a complete lemon", and is always beating himself up about not doing anything to help. But he was there and I knew it, and that was important to me.

You sound like an amazing mum, and I'm sure you'll make a great granny too

I didn't have a birth plan, and my mother expected that my DH would be my birthing partner, but the ways things turned out, she was the birthing partner, and I'm so pleased she was there. I had told her things that I wanted the midwife to do, and when I was in labour I couldn't say them myself, so my mother remembered what I wanted to say and asked it when I was in too much pain (like asked for them to check the cord wasn't around the neck, which I have a fear of - the midwife said they don't check for this nowadays but my mother insisted so she did a quick check when the baby was coming out)... basically I would just have to say one word and my mother translated to the midwife what I wanted.. I just think you know your daughter the best, so you are the best one to stand up for her when she needs you most.

Thank you all so much, I just want to do the best i can and to try be as much help and support to her as i can be. She is a bit scared which is natural, and i want her to feel that whatever she wants (or doesnt want)that we will be able to convey that to the midwife and to try and keep her calm and focused.

Her partner is scared too i think and am not sure how he will cope.

I will let you know how it goes.

Helmar - just wanted to say, you're sounding like the perfect birth partner already - putting so much thought into it all. I bet when your daughter was younger, you just instinctively knew how to calm her down and make her feel better - after she fell and cut her knee, when she was being sick, before she sat her exams... Mums have an amazing knack for doing the right thing without having to give it a second thought, and I'll bet that's why your daughter wants you there in the first place. You have 21 years of experience of being there for her and you've obviously been doing pretty well up till now.

Good luck. And as others have said, I'm sure you'll make a wonderful granny too.

Thought I would pop back and update you since you were all so supportive when i asked you for advice. My daughter gave birth to her baby on Friday 19th February to a little girl called Isla, she weighed 6lb 6ozs. I didnt realise that being a birthing partner would end up lasting a whole 5 days long, my daughter went into slow labour on Monday lunch time and I was there, along with her partner day and night rubbing her back etc, she was so exhausted and in so much pain and I felt so helpless! But that is all over now and Isla is such a beautiful baby it was all worth it in the end.

Best wishes to you all.