Can I do this?

[satsumagirl]

This is my first post on this board- how exciting! Mumsnet seems like a
very nice and friendly site.

I'm 33, just got married and my husband and I are about to start TTC. We're both very excited and keen to do it, but I'm a bit nervous/ anxious about the whole thing. I guess the main things I'm concerned about are things going wrong during pregnancy and especially the birth, which I have to say I'm really scared about.

I guess some of these anxieties must be very normal, so it would be good to hear if any of you had these too, and how you dealt with them.

Thanks for your help guys : )

Hi Satsuma. Welcome to Mumsnet! .

It's natural to be worries about all those things, I guess it is kind of self preservation. By being worried you are aware that there are risks. But thinks also of all the happy, healthy babies that are born everyday.

Do you have a history of gynaecological problems? Unless you do, then stop worrying and get on with TTC. It is very odd to start with and could be much easier than you think! When I was pg, I took all the advice I could get my hands on - especially from Mumsnet - so much more realistic than books that work very much on theory!

Some people have problems with some or all of conception, pregnancy and/or birth - some have non at all. Go for it! And come back to us when you are worried.

Good luck, and relax.

PS Of course you can do it!

Hi BikeRunSki

Thanks for the very warm, and kind, welcome.

I don't have a history of gynae probs, although I do get horrendous period pains, so I'm hoping that may help my pain threshold. Well, that's how I comfort myself, anyway!

I probably sounds like a complete wimp, but I'm so nervous about the whole birth thing that I'm practically on the verge of having panic attack when I think about doing it. But I am determined to do this and confront my fears- because I really want to have a baby with my husband. So fingers crossed.

I'm off to bed now so will have another look at this thread tomorrow night.

Really pleased to be part of the Mumsnet community- seems like a very supportive network and am sure will be boring you all with tales of TTC over the next few months!

Hi Satsuma. By the time you get to the birth you will be well read and tutored by your midwife and whatever parenting/birth classes you go to. You'll have written a birth plan. You'll by much more clued up on the whole thing. It'll be fine. I may be letting down the sisterhood here, but I didn't think it was that bad, but then I did have an emergency C Section.

Welcome in!

And welcome to the club of worry- there's plenty of it to be had, and to be honest I was thinking about it this morning, feeling that I would just love to be looking forward to second baby arriving (April), and having a happy jolly time.

On my worry/ unhappiness list (over the space of 5 years):
A backlog of miscarriages (still a big sore spot in my heart).
1st baby being unplanned so I ended up with high bp trying to cope with work and horses, which all went tits up afterwards, I gave them both up and tbh still miss my old life.
1st labour was painful and horrible (but I do try not to scare first timers with it, some people cope fine) and I ended up with PTSD from it.
Post Natal Depression coming back
High bp coming back
This baby being stillborn (I have 2 friends who had this happen)

So when I think about all that I feel very bad and very worried about everything, BUT:

I try very, very hard to stand in the baby's new room, surrounded with its things, and think to myself:
None of the bad things are likely to happen. Come the spring I will be standing here, tired out and covered in sick and wearing a big, fat smile, holding our beautiful baby. This birth is going to be totally different, and I am going to enjoy this baby, and if the PND tries to come back, I am getting it treated straight away so I can still enjoy life.

So good luck with the baby, stay focused on that end goal, and just try to ignore the worry voice in the back of your head. It's always there, you just have to stick it on mute sometimes.

(says she, worrying her pants off about whether I'll go into labour before I get my c-section.... )

Oh yes, if I can anyone can!

For me, the worst thing about being pregnant was the seemingly constant blood tests

Hi diddl and fatseal

Thanks so much for your kind messages- very supportive and comforting.

fatseal you sound like you've been through a lot, but also that you're very brave and determined. i'm no expert but I bet those qualities make you a great mum.

I sympathise re the PND- I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago : ( I'm much better now, but can't help worrying about getting depressed again either before or after the birth. But like you I want to show the big D(i.e. my depression) who is boss!

Any other thoughts from other Mumsnet people re 'can I do this' would be much appreciated. It's so helpful to know it's not just me who worries about these things!

Satsuma, I was petrified about giving birth before I was pregnant. When I was pregnant I didn't think about it at all, just that it was a necessary evil.
By the time I was 11 days overdue I was so desperate to get that baby out that I didn't care how painful it was ! I am sure that's why human pregnancy is so long - to make sure that Mum is so desperate for it to be over that she doesn't care about the pain. When it came to it actually labour really wasn't that bad at all, it's not comfy but it was manageable.

And it sounds cliche but the end result really does make it all worthwhile

You can do it!!

Whilst I don't believe you can dream up the birth you want, I did find being prepared, going to active birth yoga, antenatal classes and reading lots of books eg stand and deliver, listening to natal hypnotherapy cds & thinking/talking through every possible scenario I could think of, all helped me feel that this was something I could do, and that I would cope however the birth went. Others don't like doing all this, so I guess you have to do what makes you feel better about things.

I was very lucky and had a home water birth, coped absolutely fine with the pain, enjoyed the gaps between contractions, relished pushing and would happily do it again.

(I had a really bad experience ttc and a v painful ectopic btw, but would still recommend the whole rollercoaster to anyone)

HTH

Hi,

Just thought I'd point you in the direction of the Conception forum (you'll see a list a list of forums at the bottom of this screen), and in particular, the First Time Frolickers thread. It's just a bunch of really lovely girls, in the same boat as yourself, all trying to conceive their first babies. I was on the thread myself when I was trying (am currently 8wks pregnant) and it was SUCH a supportive place to be. As I say, everyone's lovely and very welcoming, so if you were looking to "meet" people in a similar situation, you might fancy having a look.

Good luck anyway! (And of course you can do it! )

I second Pootle - get informed! Books by Sheila Kitzinger and Janet Balaskas are great on pg and giving birth, very positive, they really empowered me.

On motherhood, I can't recommend Naomi Stadlen's "What Mothers Do..." highly enough for getting you prepared for the kind of emotions you face as you become a mother.

Oh, and MN of course! Welcome aboard and good luck with ttc.

The more clued up you can be about natural birth the better, I reckon. This is my "must read" booklist so far:
Ina May's guide to Childbirth
Effective Birth Preparation by Maggie Howell
and probably also "Hypnobirthing, the mongan Method".
Try also things like: Pat Thomas - Your birth Rights, and also Henci Goer - The thinking womans guide to birth

These are all books designed to increase your confidence in your ability to give birth.

Did you realise that being scared of birth can lead directly to a difficult labour, just because fear hormones clash with the birth process, making it likely to take longer and be more painful?

By avoiding horror stories at all costs and reading inspirational books like those above it is possible to shed your fear and even start looking forwards to giving birth.

Be informed - but in a positive way!

you guys are brilliant

Thnak you so, so much. Lots of great books and resources suggested- and lots of good food for thought.

I'm starting to feel a bit more confident about the whole thing, for sure

really looking forward to talking to you all on MN here- what a great community of lovely people.

Can I suggest "childbirth without Fear" by Grantly Dick-Read. This was written in the 1940's and some of the language is slightly archaic BUT he addresses the issues behind the fear and if he were alive and working now he would be my consultant! Also Nicky Wesson's Home Birth, even if you are not planning a HB as she discusses what you can do to help yourself in various situations which was very enlightening.
Good Luck!

Thnak you so much gailforce1

I have to say (and know this is very silly to be thinking about it when we haven't even yet started to TTC!) am v interested in homebirth. How do midwifes do to deal with any complications that arise during HB though?

If you haven't already, take a look at this home birth website. It's an absolutely fantastic resource! I feel like a broken record mentioning it, but I'll carry on regardless! It says all about complications, what-ifs etc.

And I would very much recommend homebirth to you (as long as you are healthy and have a healthy pregancy and all that).

I wasn't sure what I thought about first timers trying for homebirths at first, but now I have come to the conclusion that it is they who have the most to gain.

You only have to look at the statistics. First time HBers are about 70% likely to have a natural birth - no forceps, vontouse or CS.
I don't know what the percentage is for hospital births - but it surely can't more than about 30%. Of everybody who I personally know, the only people who had natural first births were my mother and my mother-in-law. And guess where they gave birth? My mum was considerably younger, so that counted in her favour, but my mil was 30+. And they were both perfectly happy with how those births went, painwise, with gas-and-air and nothing respectively.

First births tend to take longer, which can give more time for everybody to fuck it up for you. Particulary in hospitals, where they may be short staffed and really don't want you to take that long. The tendancy to take longer is partly physical, but I reckon also partly phsycological - it's all new and different, you've not felt the sensations before, and having to deal with the alien environment of the hospital at the same time can be another straw to add to your back.

Take a look at www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/pushing.asp, this rang alot of bells for me concerning my first birth.

Good luck with the TTC!

wow smilehomebirth- those resources look fab- thank you!

have had a read of them both and the more I look into it the more I am starting to think I can do this- although say that to me again when I am trying to push a bairn out of my floof and i might say something else

I am absolutely not an expert on birth not ever having been through it, but the more I hear about hospital birth the more it seems situation where the mum has to fit around what the doctors/ MWs want rather than what is right for her and what her body is telling her to do. Which worries me.

final question- am very nervosu about having a GA during CS. How common are GAs for CS? Have read some very scary threads about them here Weirdly am much more scared about that than giving birth the, er ,traditional way

Umm, was hoping someone else would answer as I haven't really got a clue, but I would guess GAs are much less common than with epis. It would only be if they really felt there was a desparate need for speed, or if they tried and failed to fit an epidural.

It's probably worth keeping the possibility of it happening at the back of your mind, so that if it did happen (which of course it probably won't) you wouldn't be knocked sideways with the unexpected shock of it. And make sure you would get properly debriefed afterwards and keep an eye out for PND. Lots and lots of skin-to-skin contact might help with the whole "that's not my baby" thing.

The A1 priority is live baby, live mother, so if it has to happen hopefully it's for good reasons.

Things that will reduce the chance of having a CS are:

• Keep fit and healthy
• Healthiest diet you can possibly manage
• Encourage baby into a good position by your posture (no slouching backwards into sofas!)
• Have a homebirth
• Inform yourself about birth so that you avoid unnecessary intervention

GA's are not really that common for a section.

The preferred method is a spinal or epidural.

Generals are really only used in a crash section, these are very rare. It can take up 20 mins to do an epidural, and if a crash section is needed they will want to deliver much quicker than that.

But as I said, crash sections are no that common.

Don't worry, childbirth is a natural process and your body is capable of doing it.

Get informed and get empowered!

NCT classes are a must too!

Good luck (and enjoy TTC!!)

hi smilehomebith and alex1803

cheers- that's v reassuring and good advice

think you're both quite right- forewarned is forearmed and alll that so will read up on stuff. but also relieved that it isn't very comon- read a thread on mumsnet with lots of horror stories whch scared me a bit.

is there anything else either of you would recommend re managing the fear/ worry etc during the actual birth?

What are you worried about in particular about childbirth?

I think you need to embrace what is going to happen.

It is important to remember that, even if you don't know what's going on, your body will!!

Accept the contractions, and acknowledge that each contraction is doing a very important job.

The best advice I could suggest would be to ensure that you chose your birth environment carefully. Labour relies on a wonderful mix of shy hormones. Make sure you choose a birth environment which allows these hormones to be produced.

But as I said before, fear comes from the unknown...so get informed!!

That's a goood question Alex.

You're quite right that knowledge is power. The more I read about birth, the more I think I can do this.

I guess my main fears are very common - that I won't be able to cope with the pain, or something will go wrong. However I try and ressure myself that millions of women have been doing this since the dawn of time, it's very natural, etc....

And finally I'm quite worried about PND- I had nervous breakdown a few years agao and am much better now, but the thought of that happening again when I have a little one to look after really is quite scary. I've spoken to my Gp about this though and she was v helpful and said there is lots of help for this on the NHS.

Any other mumsnet posters got experience/ views on support for PND?

Definitely recommend you do some sort of hypnobirthing, that'll help with the fear, and hopefully make birth easier for you as well. Whether its the Mongan Method, Natal Hypnotherapy or visiting a hypnotherapist, I don't think it matters as long as you get serious with it.

I think a risk factor with PND is lack of support, having to do everything yourself after the birth? So having a support network of friends and family who can come in and give you a break, with housework or looking after baby for an hour while you rest, that can help.
And not being embarrassed if you think you are getting it - talk about it, get help. Flag up to the health visitors that you think you might be more at risk of getting it.

Looking at the wiki, smoking and bottle feeding can add to PND. So attempt not to do either of those!

Also keep a careful watch out if your birth does not go as you wished it to. If it does go well, you'll likely be on such a high that PND doesn't stand a chance I reckon!

Thanks smilehomebirth . Will get some hynobirthing CDs and go to some classes once I get PG.

Right, you lot have convinced me.

I AM GOING TO JUST GO FOR IT! Don't think satsumagirl- just do.

Thanks for all your support. I'll report back, I promise.xxxxxxxxxxx