considering DC4, scared of the chance of another CS

[cantmummyhaveabreak]

I have 3 Dc's, first 2 born by VB, borderline 3rd degree tears with DS, home birth no stitches with DD1.

Had DD2 very nearly 12mths ago now, and we're wanting to start TTC DC4 in about 12mths time. Only thing is i had to have an EMCS with DD2, she was born 8 weeks prem, no waters, she got distressed and we had to just get her out. I was put under GA and do feel so very guilty that i didn't see my DD until nearly 3hrs later, and yet because i was so drugged up dont remember seeing her until she was about 36hrs old. I was offered an epidural but i was so scared that i just wanted to be knocked out for it all.

My biggest fear is that if i'd been awake and heard the panic of getting my tiny baby out and looked after. then seeing her being wisked away while i couldn't move i'd have been even worse now than i already am.

I seriously have a phobia of an epidural, even saying the word makes me feel physically sick. And i'm worried that if for any reason i went full term but couldn't deliver by VB like i hope to then it'll be another CS... please can you tell me your stories/give me some words of encouragement...

I know that a couple of months after i'll be all healed and feeling much different if it were to happen, but i remember my CS was the worst pain i've suffered. Dont get me wrong, she's so worth it and i'd do it all again if i had to, i'm just seriously shitting myself about the chances...

For any of you that have had VB after EMCS how was it? had you had another other DC's beforehand? was the labour any different?

Hi, cantmummyhaveabreak, I had vag delivery after induction, emCS at 31 weeks and lovely VBAC 2 years ago , so yes it can be done. I was told I could not be induced due to previous CS and went into labour at 40+12. First painful contraction @ 5am, in hospital 7.30, was 8cm dilated, DS3 out by 11 o'clock. It was truly a lovely experience, much better than my induced labour.

The fact that you have also already had vaginal deliveries makes your chances of a successful VBAC much much higher. I am currently expecting DS4 and am hoping on a repeat performance .

This and this website have v good evidence based advice.

FWIW, I did hava a spinal anaethetic when I had DS2 and it was fine. I too did not get to see him (other than for literally a second after he had been lifted out of me) before he was whisked off to NICU. He is fine now.

If you still feel v traumatised by your last delivery, would you maybe be able to put some demons to rest if you asked for a meeting for a debrief? Lots of women find this v helpful.

Pacific- thanks for that, it's so nice to hear a positive story on VBAC!! As i've never needed to know before i suppose i've not really paid much notice before, other than knowing it can be done.

I do still feel very traumatised by DD2's birth, but more-so because of the lead-up to having a prem baby and that i dont feel i was given the care and information i should have been given. I do also feel very guilty about not seeing DD after birth, i'm upset that my sister saw her first, that the nurses held her before I did, that they put her first nappy on, that they saw her fingers and her toes before i did. I feel guilty for wanting the GA as i feel that is the cause for not remembering seeing her the first handful of times... I think the main thing I feel bad about is that the reason i went into labour early is unknown, so it could have been something i'd done wrong and made it come on... i'll never know... God- i hate talking about it because i always end up crying about it.

My bond with DD is amazing despite all these feelings inside me... but i sometimes wonder if it would be better if i didn't have all this guilt for what i feel i could have and maybe should have done differently, not only in the birth but also after having her, visiting in the SCBU etc... god- i've opened a can of worms for myself now...

It's is great to read that you have a great relationship with your DD, particularly after a rocky start .

IMO giving birth is such a v v small part of being a parent that I always feel it is a great shame when people, well women usually, feel bad for such a long time after they gave birth for something that really was outside their control.
Nobody to this day really knows what starts labour off, whether at the 'right' time, or early, or late for that matter. It is so very likely nothing at all to do with what you did/didn't do.

I felt guilty that DS2 was "ripped out of me" (dramatic, moi???) before his time as I had not gone into labour, but had repeated bleeds with grade 4 placenta praevia (had been in hospital for 5 weeks before his delivery) and the last bleed just would not stop. He was more anaemic than he probably needed to be because I had refused a CS when it was offered at 6am - and by 2pm when I had seen sense, it was borderline late (I had a partial placental abruption by then). We are v v lucky to have him. In some strange way I kind of felt it was almost a bit of atonement for me to have to go through surgery/recovery to make his early delivery up to him, if that makes any sense at all?

Everybody's situation is different and this thread is NOT about me. I suppose what I am trying to say, is we all do the best we can in any given situation and hindsight is a wonderful thing...

As you are not expecting DC4 yet and you are still feeling so strongly about this, do go and speak to your GP about counselling. Also ask the midwifery supervisor at the hospital where you delivered to get your notes from your previous delivery and have a meeting during which you can go through everything step by step.
A LOT of women find this quite painful, but also cathartic and it helps to feel more in control the next time.

I am in no doubt this delivery will stay with you for the rest of your life, but it would be nice it you could end up seeing it as an achievement (you came through a very scary situation with you and your DD healthy and sound) rather than a failure.

I am also posting again to bump this for you - I know there are lots of ladies on here with good VBAC stories. Of course there are also those with bad experiences, just as there are good CS and bad ones, good epidurals and bad ones etc etc.

V best of luck to you.