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Childbirth

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Original poster

Advice on visitors after baby

21 replies

VeronicaCake · 19/01/2010 20:17

I hope this is the right place to post this, please advise if you think I should put it somewhere else.

We're expecting our first baby in mid-May. It is the first grandchild on both sides so lots of excitement. My 2 younger sisters are hugely excited. So much so that one of them has announced that she has booked a week off at the end of May to come and stay with us and help look after the baby. She is a nurse so planning annual leave has to be done well in advance, she also really needs her holidays so I am very touched that she wants to spend her week off with us. We live about 150 miles apart so she will definitely need somewhere to stay if she is to be around for a week.

But...there is a good chance the baby won't even by born by the time her leave starts, and DH is planning to take at least three weeks off when the baby arrives so will probably still be on leave at the point she pitches up. I don't know what I'll feel like after the baby arrives, but I think DH and I will need some time just as a family to get used to the new arrival (and learn how to look after it).

When she told me what she planned I was really touched that she wanted to be so involved, but now I'm beginning to fret that a houseguest for a week that early on will just be stressful rather than helpful. Obviously it would be lovely to see her for a day or so, and we don't plan on banning visitors. But my Mum has made it clear she plans to drive up and back in a day with MIL because we'll need our space (ironically my parents had a two week ban on visitors when I was born, which seems a bit draconian to me but I understand my Dad's Mum was a bit of a handful).

It will hurt her feelings horribly if I ask her not to come and stay. We could ask her to stay in a hotel but we live in the sticks and there is not a lot of choice nearby.

I can't just ask her to negotiate the time off nearer the time. What would you suggest?

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mama2moo · 19/01/2010 20:22

I think it was a bit selfish of her to do that without even asking you first. But, I can see why she did. My sister was like that when I was pg with my first baby.

It all depends on when your baby is born. If you go 2 weeks over she could still be with you or going home!

I would defo ask her to book a hotel. When you have your baby is born you will want some time with just you, dh and baby and if someone is staying with you it might be hard to ask them to go out IYSWIM.

ohmeohmy · 19/01/2010 20:24

tell her how you feel. You might say that it would be more helpful to have her around later on say end of June when DH is back at work and baby will definitely be born. I'm sure you can find a way to be honest but gentle with her feelings. The time postpartum is one of huge upheaval and readjustment. you need support but on your terms.

mama2moo · 19/01/2010 20:25

On thinking about it more. Why not explain to her that it might make more sense for her to have the time in June. You could sell it to her that she might miss the baby completly as 1st babies are often late (not always but it would get the point across!)

wonderingwondering · 19/01/2010 20:25

Tell her you'll have DH around to help immediately after the birth - whenever that may be - and so it would be much, much better if she booked a week later in the summer, when you'll be up and about more, and the pair of you can have a lovely time pottering about with the baby.

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2010 20:25

I would suggest accepting her offer and thanking her profusely for it. You probably have no idea how much work a newborn is. AND you will be sleep deprived. AND you might be in pain from stitches and light-headed from blood loss. An extra pair of hands, of a nurse no less, would be invaluable.

10poundstogo · 19/01/2010 20:29

if it was me i would ask her to come for the day/one overnight when the baby comes if she cant bear to wait(lets face it most of us would be gagging to meet sis's newborn), then suggest that you'll really need some help once DH goes back to work and it would be great if she could come then instead, and it will give you a chance to have girly days with babe. If she still doesn't take the hint then you might have to be a little more direct about it.

maxpower · 19/01/2010 20:31

Remember she's being keen and over excited. Why not explain to her that there's no guarantee about when the baby will be born and you don't want her to waste her leave if it's late. Stress that you appreciate that she won't be able to just take a day off when it all happens. Why not suggest that as your DH will be around immediately after the birth it would be brilliant if she could arrange her time off for say a month or 6 weeks after the baby is born. That way, you will benefit so much more from all the help she'll be able to offer.

I really regret that my DH and I weren't more selfish with our time straight after my DD was born. I think if you explain it to her kindly, she's your sister, she should understand. Good luck.

There · 19/01/2010 20:35

I second wonderingwondering. Having a baby is such a personal thing between you and your husband. It's so much easier "working your way round it" without outside "help", especially with the first one.

But doing it on your own is sooooo difficult, that you'll want all the help in the world once your husband is back at work.

I was so shocked when my friend told me she wasn't allowing ANY visitors (not even their family) to their home for 2 weeks after the birth. And then I had my first one, and I knew exactly where she was coming from. It's so important for it to be a team effort between you and your husband.

rachelfruitloop · 19/01/2010 20:48

My brother and his wife wanted to come and stay after my DS was born, visiting all the way from the USA, and I gently told them that I thought it might be too much, especially as my DH and I naively thought that moving house 3 weeks after my due date was a good idea!!!

I ended up giving birth 2 weeks late and staying in hospital for 5 days, so moving day was the day after DS and I were discharged! But that's another story altogether... it was all a bit crazy. Luckily, mother-in-law stayed for over a week to help us settle in. In hindsight, I really could have used my brother and his wife's support right after the birth. It seemed like both DH and I were shell-shocked for the first couple of weeks anyway and it took a bit of time to get into the swing of things. Having DH's mum there to make tea and do the washing up, giving us the opportunity to focus on DS together, was invaluable!(not to mention the help unpacking!)

I'm expecting DS2 in mid-May as well, and am calling in the troops to be around to help out. Mother-in-law is coming to stay again and my sister is flying from the US. I am just briefing everyone that none of us will be getting much sleep and that I will be an emotional wreck so they can't hold a grudge if I'm more snappy than usual!

IMHO, I think you may really be glad to have your sister there to help, as long as she understands that it won't seem much like a holiday and that you may not feel like your usual self. Most likely she'll be happy to help and will appreciate being a part of this special time in your family, and you'll probably find her support very helpful. You could speak to her about coming to stay at the beginning of June rather than the end of May, just in case your baby is late, or to give you and DP a chance to settle in if baby's on time. My sister is planning her visit a couple weeks after the due date just in case!

brightredballoon · 19/01/2010 20:54

I agree with Cotz I think having her around would be brilliant. However, I don't know if your sister is over bearing or would know when to get out of the way.

When I had my first DC both DH and I found it quite lonely when I was sleeping when baby was then he was fetching me everything as I was quite disorganised as I was very inexperienced. Having someone else to help out and let DH nip off to the shops to get things would have been lovely.

Original poster

VeronicaCake · 19/01/2010 21:36

Thank you for all the responses. Hmmm hmmm hmmm am still thinking.

I think, breaking it down, my fretting is down to a few factors. Firstly, I am not sure what my sister's expectations are about what she'll be doing. She wants to help with the baby, I find it very hard to imagine her doing housework or helping with meals. She never has when she has visited in the past. She will definitely be keen to cuddle and coo and probably change nappies, but I think that is about it. This is the first baby in the family for years and none of her friends have children yet so I think she may not realise how little newborns actually do beyond nurse, sleep and poo.

Secondly, I think I have an unvoiced fret about the impact on DH and me of having my sister in the house at this time. I think if we've got a full-time person to cuddle and coo on hand, and I'm learning to breastfeed he might be relegated to doing housework and feel rather excluded. Plus he stayed home with me for a week when I had a major accident just before Christmas and was brilliant at helping me cope emotionally, I worry that I might miss the chance to get lots of reassurance and support from DH if he has to go back to work as soon as sister's visit ends.

So I think I'll go with the suggestion of asking if there is anyway she can defer until June, since the baby will definitely have arrived by then and DH and I will have had a chance to cock everything up and will need her to come up and sort us out. Obviously, I hope she'll be able to come up to inspect junior as early on as possible, but I think staying for a week at that point might be a bit much.

OP posts:

mommymeggie · 19/01/2010 23:50

You might feel lucky that your sister is coming to stay in May. Especially if you go over your due date which is very likely in first pregnancies. I'm over my due date at the moment, 5 days over, and I can hardly move!! Its so nice to have the extra help around the house to help with the laundry and the chores that you might have trouble doing at 40+ wks pregnant. If it wasn't for my MIL and my Mum helping, I'd be lost and my house would be a tip!! You should feel relieved to know that someone is around to help, besides DH, unless he enjoys cooking and cleaning everyday. I wouldn't jump the gun just yet, you may want them around after all

ChunkyChick · 20/01/2010 13:43

Yes definitely ask her to defer to later on. My sister came when I had my first (and knew no better but to say 'yes') and although actually helpful with housework etc, I would much rather have been on my own. I didn't want to have to sit down with her in the evening and make conversation. I just wanted to go to bed and be with my lo.

notjustapuppymum · 20/01/2010 18:25

I can't think of anything worse than having someone else in the house when you get home with your first baby.
It's such a special and amazing time for you and your partner and I definitely think someone else in the house will detract from it - especially for him.
I was in your situation when my baby was born last year. First grandchild on both sides, very excited grandparents all offering to take time off work to 'help' and I really didn't want or need any of it. I just wanted to be left alone with my partner and our new baby.
Ban on visitors for 2 weeks DEFINITELY part of my plan for the next one!

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 20/01/2010 21:56

I was terrified when dh first went back to work after 2 weeks off. I'd have loved the moral support and practical help of a sister then. I think the first two weeks are a really important time for the three of you to get to know each other - with short visits from close friends and family. You may find you need the help more than ever then, when the adrenaline has worn off and the sleepless nights have kicked in....

diddl · 21/01/2010 16:05

If your husband is having three weeks off my opinion is that it would be better if she came to "help" when he is back at work.

I had no help with first nor would I have wanted any.

Admittedly I had an easy birth & no stitches.

But honest to goodness, what is there to help with?

And a visitor when you are trying to get used to things yourself-no thanks!

Also refused to let mum stay when had second.

It really isn´t that hard to look after a toddler & a newborn!

Sorry, but I can´t understand people wanting/needing help-barring c-section of course!

oranges · 22/01/2010 10:51

its easy to say you don't need help if you had an easy birth and no stitches but births aren't always so straightforward. i had a very bad tear, and afterhaving initially told people I didn't want anyone staying, I refused to let my mum leave for a fortnight. Dh and I thought we'd be fine, but didn't calculate I'd need care as well as the baby. And it was lovely to have someone else take over cooking and cleaning so the three of us could focus on each other.

diddl · 22/01/2010 11:16

I realise that oranges

In the OPs case, her husband will be there, so if she needs help she has it.

oranges · 22/01/2010 11:24

dh was around but it still wasn't enough for me anyway- that's what I'm trying to say.

But of course there's a huge difference between helpful and non helpful visitors.

diddl · 22/01/2010 11:35

Yes that´s it.

I remember going to see a friend of mine who had recently had a baby.
Her MIL was visiting.

My friend was upstairs in tears cleaning the bathroom whilst MIL cuddled baby.

Think it scarred be & put me off offers of "help" where babies are concerned!

Mog37 · 22/01/2010 15:12

I would say it does depend a bit on what your sister thinks her role will be (if the baby has even arrived.)

My mother (who admittedly is a midwife) took a week off work when I had DD. DH was also off work for a fortnight. My mother didn't stay with us but did come every day without fail, did all the housework AND taught me how to breastfeed (which I would never have managed on the very limited support offered by the hospital/community midwife/health visitor). She didn't expect to sit around playing with the baby. (Actually, her considered opinion is that newborns are fairly dull!) DH and I were very very grateful to her.

On the other hand, some of our visitors turned up (bless 'em because I do love them all!), expected to be fed and watered, coo-ed over the baby, and then left without doing the washing up!

It sounds like you think your sister will just want to play with the baby. I'd say that if you're not sure that your sister will be useful, you'd be better off with her visiting once your husband is back at work. You've got a good chance of being back on your feet by then and you can enjoy her company, rather than needing her to take care of you.

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