Doula dilemma - Am I worrying unnecessarily

[poguemahone]

Maybe I should put this in AIBU, but I'm too soft. I just 'interviewed' a potential doula, and I've never had a doula before so I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or if she's being too restrictive.

My main worry is that she won't be able to make the birth:

1. she has said she won't be available on her dd's birthday (which falls 10 days after my edd).

1. she really, really stressed that I should call her as early as possible as she has a lot of family commitments to rearrange (she home schools 3 dc). This is DC3 for me and the previous 2 deliveries were fairly quick.

1. having read her literature at home I see lots of caveats about her not making it here in time, and even if she doesn't attend the birth due to her error, she will only refund a percentage of the fee. (Tbh, the fee would be the least of my worries in that case, but I'm a bit concerned that the fee won't be a proper incentive for her to get here in time).

4 (and least importantly) she won't do the post-birth follow-up visit her service usually includes, as I'm about a 45 min drive away and she says it's too far for her to travel to, but did offer for me to go to her/do it by phone.

In fairness she says she does have back-ups she can call on, but I wasn't keen on them for a number of reasons.

We're in deepest Oklahoma, for my first birth away from the UK, and I despair of finding another doula if she's not the right one. I really feel the need of a doula to counteract the pressure from the hospitals and doctors here for a very medicalised birth. But I'm already getting a bit nervous about her which is not really the point of a doula, is it?

I think you are right to be concerned: if she is already making you nervous, then it's unlikely the thought of her will be a soothing influence when the contractions actually start.

Can't you find another doula? Or even somebody inofficial? Is there a partner around, or a best friend, or a female relative?

Bin her - sounds like she won't/can't be there for the birth which is essentially why you need her so no point.

This is no good. You need someone who is totally committed to supporting you - they are supposed to make your life LESS stressful, not more! A 45 minute drive is too far??? My doula often drove more than an hour and a half to get to clients,

I'd look for someone else. She doesn't sound as committed as a doula should. FWIW, my doula dropped everything in the middle of the night when I went into labour 5 weeks early and had to go to the DGH an hour away from her, rather than the birth unit which was closer

Get rid.

I thought a Doula was supposed to be supportive and drop everything when you needed them. I could be wrong though.

You need to feel happy and comfortable with your Doula.

Have you tried finding a newly qualified one?

Good luck

Move on and find another Doula - it is standard for them to be 'on call' for you (ie any time day or night should you go into labour) for 2 wks either side of your due date.

The whole point of having a Doula is to make you feel more secure and confident about your birth - if you have no real idea whether she will be there to support you, and even if she is available she might not get there in time, this will only add to your stress levels!

Might this site help? Don't know if you are in the 'Central' area but might be a starting point - they may be able to point you in the direction of more Doulas local to yourself. Or this one?

Best of luck

agree - definitely no. A doula should be there to give you support no matter what, not cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. It almost sounds to me like she was trying to talk you out of hiring her!

agree, she doesn't sound like someone i'd hire.

i have a trainee doula booked for my homebirth (any day now as due on Wednesday!). She has a 2 year old son herself and lives 1.5-2 hrs drive away in the next county. However, she's always made it abundantly clear that she's on call from 38 weeks, any hour of day or night, and that she has lots of help with childcare from inlaws/ partner etc. I think what made me choose her was that her sheer enthusiasm for childbirth shone through when we first met, and subsequent phonecalls/texts. I know she'll cross hell or high water to get here on the day/ night.

Go back to Doulas of North America (presume that's where you found this one) and find another. You'll know when she's right for you, go with your gut instinct and don't settle for less. The ethic should be very 'you-centred' and much less about money/her convenience. Good doulas do it for the love of women/humanity imo.

Thanks everyone! (I'm in a different timezone so just up.) It looks unanimous that I'm not just being a pregzilla, and doulas should be properly on call.

I will have DH present, but would really like a doula too (we're fairly new to the USA, don't have trusted friends or relatives here and don't fully understand or trust the medical system here)

I've taken a look at those links Ginger Kirsty and Totalmisfit, and I've seen some new names to check out, one even in my wee town! So I'll take your advice and get rid.

I hadn't considered a trainee, total misfit - I shall give that another look too.

Oh and good luck for Wednesday, Totalmisfit!

a lot of doulas do have young children themselves and do have back up doulas they work with, what if the doulas children were ill, or there was a bereavement. for example?what if she was ill?

but i think you feel uncomfortable with her level of commitment to you, and the fact you do not feel confident with this particular doula

you need somoene you feel secure in, who prepares you and your H for the birth, and ensures that if she is not there for any legitimate reasons, you feel ok and secure and confident

Thanks Lulumama (I was hoping to hear a doula's opinion). With any doula I expect to take the risk of the emergency-type situations you mentioned. This risk, I feel, goes beyond that, so I'll be looking for someone who inspires a bit more confidence.

at the end of the day, you haven't clicked, you have not felt comfortable, and that is how it is.. you need to feel secure and confident in your care givers, especially when you have the luxury of choosing them! good luck finding someone xx

Agree - have just decided on a doula after meeting with five different people. Despite some issues like cost, distance from me etc, I went with the woman I felt most at home with, who I felt was committed to me, etc etc. Even the cat liked her!

The whole point I think is someone who you feel will be totally reliable and on your side. You obviously have doubts about the current doula as I reckon you would have gone with her despite her caveats if it felt right to you.

Sure you will find someone, advise you don't go with the current person. Good luck.

I always tell potential clients to meet 3 or 4 doulas and if there is any way you are thinking, "oh she'll be ok" then don't do it. It has to be a great connection, and 1000% trust between you. I reiterate this throughout the first meeting as you will be sharing the monst vulnerable and intimate time of your life with this person and it has to work both ways.

Sounds to me as i she wasn't fully committed, for whatever reason. I regularly travel an hour or more to see clients and ALWAYS do a postnatal visit, often 2.

Choose someone else and good luck.

Meant to say, I have 5 children and have military procedures in place for when I am on call. That's what being on call means, you may have to get up in the middle of the night and you could be away some time.

I have never missed a birth.