Id like to talk about my awful birth now I think, here on mumsnet please if you can help?

[hobbgoblin]

I'm okay and well and all that. I'm not having flashbacks or depression. I think this is largely due to the fact that I am so fortunate that my DD is here that I kind of don't care how awful it was because she really shouldn't be here at all (I had a medical termination of her at about 9 weeks to my eternal shame).

Nevertheless, the birth was very bad and I do find myself thinking about it more and more - as though I need confirmation of how bad it was and embarrassingly some kind of recognition for getting through it.

My DP never made it to the birth - laregly intentionally as he didn't want me to have the baby. So, though he has been with me since I had her, he was never involved and so knows little of the terror and horribleness.

The key points are that it was a HB that turned into a hospital induction at 3 weeks overdue. I had an epidural which was the very last thing I wanted ever having had one with DD1 10 years ago.

The epidural caused me to have some kind of seizure thing and also made DDs heart stop bearting for 2 mins (she was scalp monitored and had this episode of Bradychardia). They called a crash section but stood down as her heart began beating again.

The reason for 37 hour highly medicalised labour was her face presentation and nobody knew this until very late in labour. The extent of her back to back malpositioning I don't even think was fully clear until she began to descend down the birth canal.

I had a brilliant midwife at point of delivery who helped me deliver without any tearing.

Anyway, I kind of don't get how bad some of the things that happened are in terms of risk and am confused about how I should feel. Was it not that bad, was I not really at risk, was baby not particularly threatened.

It's really hard to explain but I just don't get the extent of what went on bevcause I was in it and dealing with it so couldn't think.

My recollection is that it was traumatic but maybe it wasn't that bad..?

Well I am no expert, but have had one below average but not traumatising birth (care was good when things were going tits-up). My view is that yes, you do sound to have had a rotten time. IIRC this is your 4th kid, so to have a 37 hour labour must have been a real shock, you would expect subseq labours to get easier. The emergency scenario of them worrying enough to start preparing for crash section/you going through a ?seizure does sound pretty traumatic in my book, as you would have been in real fear for yourself and your baby.

i had a traumatic birth to the point were i go out of way not to get pregnant again 1 and half years on. [sad} my dp witnessed everything which helped him be more supportive to me. he fully understands i can never have another child. i think he was traumatised as much as me. why dont you contact pals and ask for a debriefing and maybe you dp can come along too and learn about what you went through. the debriefing does help you understand what and why it went wrong. hope someone comes along soon with some good advice

You've not indicated how long ago this took place (unless I've not read it properly). Whatever happened, it was clearly traumatic for you. If you're still under the care of the maternity services, speak to a midwife and ask her to set up a time for you to go through what happened with her and/or a doctor, so that you can understand what went on. Otherwise, speak to your HV or GP to see what support is available.

Congratulations on your DD by the way.

I had a very similar labour and delivery with dd. Planned homebirth, long labour, transfer to hospital, lots of intervention (episiotomy, ventouse, attempted manual rotation) and it became clear late on that she was presenting incorrectly (she managed to get from back to back to transverse but was presenting with her ear first), spinal block, lost all trace of her heart, em cs.

It's 2 and a half years later and I'm still struggling with it and have flashbacks. I do understand the confusion over 'was it bad, was I okay, what was really happening'.

Through long and convoluted channels and my utter inability to ever consider getting pg again, I have been referred to a counsellor and I'm hoping it helps.

Birth trauma is in the eye of the beholder. There's no benchmark for the amount of intervention or length of labour that you have to endure before it affects you. There are lots of channels out there that can help.

Perhaps go through your notes with the hospital?

bumping for the evening crowd.

Thanks TC, for your first post and subsequent bump.

Thanks for the other replies also. For me, it's been 5 and a half months since the birth.

Good point about there being no bench mark...

hobbgoblin, going over the birth is part of the recovery. You have to recover mentally as well as physically.

I think there are a few major things that you can acknowledge as upsetting for anyone. Firstly that you did not have your DP with you for the birth. This is a big deal as you did not have his support and he is not aware of what you went through.

Secondly you started off trying for a home birth and then ended up in hospital which was not your plan. The labour was very long and tiring with a bad reaction to the epidural and back to back baby.

My first birth was attempted home birth, 36 hour labour, back to back baby and emergency c-section and a horrible hospital stay. I had a bad reaction to the epidural too and was told 3 years later that this is common!

For my next birth plan a midwife went through the earlier birth in detail. She explained a few of the things that happened and somehow they didn't seem as bad any more when I understood everything. I cried and cried and found it really cathartic. Hope you find away to deal with the birth. Talking helps.