How to get a consultant to listen to me?

[mummyofthomas]

Hi all, I had my first son only 16 months ago and he was 13 days late had to be induced etc and a had a bad third degree tear. my problems is that it has never felt right, now I know things are bound to not be the same down there but I mean things are still way too painful. I told my midwive and she said it doesn't sound right so am seeing a consultant on monday and she has told me to ask them to have a look 'down there' and see how things are. I am now 7 months pregnant and so want to try and stop any tearing etc this time/see if they suggest c section. Now the last time I saw a consultant they spent literally about 2 mins with me didnt bother to have a look and basically I felt it was a total waste of time. Has anyone had any experience like mine and if so what do I say/do to make them listen/make me feel like a human being (of course I understand they are busy but surely we all deserve to be heard). Sorry about the panick stricken rants of a pregnant women

I've noticed that a patient refusing to move from their seat usually gets what they want.

write everything down that you want explained or discussed that way you don't forget anything if you get stressed or flustered.

can someone go with you?

i find some moral support can help

agree with writing it down - i had to battle with my consultant to sign my waterbirth off (managed to at 37 weeks )

be firm and clear about your worries and fears and stay put until you are satisfied - make sure EVERYTHING is documented in your notes as well and signed off

Keep calm and don't budge until you get what you want.

Have a list of points you want covered - have a copy for you & copy for the doc. Go through your list point by point. You are incharge and the appointment has to follow your planning.Good luck.

Make another appointment with a consultant. Look very well prepared, with notes, questions etc.

Ask the consultant the risks of your tearing again this time and whether they can guarantee you won't tear/be cut this time (they can't). Say that the risk of your tearing is unacceptable to you.

Sit there. Smile. Silent.

Ideally, have your partner there too, staring at the consultant. Sit there. Smile. Silent.

Ask again whether they can guarantee you won't tear.

etc

If no go, then ask to make an appointment with another consultant in the same hospital. Or ask to be referred to another hospital.

Ask to see your hospital notes to ensure they correctly record the conversation.

Key is not to give the consultant the option to say no. Just say this is what I want. Smile. Silent. Don't budge.

Be a PITA. Make it clear you won't be fobbed off.

I got my elective approved quite late in the day ie at 37 weeks. I suspect that the consultants will try to delay it as long as possible, but the closer to your due date, the more likely they will be to agree. Keep the pressure up all the time though.

Recruit your 'Supervisor of midwives' to help you. Every hospital has several ladies in this post and part of their job is to help pregnant women sort out there birth options.

There is always a 'Supervisor of midwives' on duty, 24 hours a day (which is why they have several people doing it), if you ring your local hospital switchboard and ask to be transfered to them or you should find a number in your home notes. They should attend meetings with you and/or chat to the consultant on your behalf.

HTH and good luck.

Thank you all for your advice. I will definitely think of any questions I want to ask and write them down. Trouble is I'm so shy and quiet find it hard to be forceful so may take dh but then he is the opposite and tends to be too forceful. I'm not sure I would want an elective cs but just want someone to take a look at me and tell me what would really be best for me as am pretty concerned about having problems later in life. Ahh not really sure what I want them to do just need to know that they are taking me seriously and not just fobbing me off with the usual 'you're fine' when clearly I can feel that I'm not.

I really found taking (large, stroppy, well-informed, opinionated) DH very helpful for consultant apps as I am prone to being a bit meek and weedy.

NB even consultants have bosses - you can ask to see the head of dept.

as well as writing a list of what you want to ask, maybe write down the answers s/he gives as well - i often find that things make sense when the person is talking but after i leave i can't remember quite what they said, or why i agreed with them!! also, my friend booked an appt for last thing on a friday once and basically told the guy that if he wanted to go home for the weekend he would have to make a referral she wanted - not surptrisingly he did!! really hope it goes well for you

Ring the antenatal clinic and ask if there is a consultant with a special interest in perineal trauma. If so, ring your consultant's secretary and ask them to inform your present consultant you wish to see the special interest one.

Lotsof larger units have a special ineterest consultant or midwife in this area.

If that is a no go, then go through switchboard to the head of midwifery or delivery suite manager secretary, stating you need some help with this. If you don't feel you can do it, your partner could do it, saying that you just aren't comfortable to do it yourself. Lots of women get their husbands to ring so don't worry.

It's shame about your last meeting, but try to put it away and crack on with the next one. Where hopefully you will get heard.

Good luck! this would be usefull for you, especially the last bit.

I'm with MrsBadger - Having DH there to back you up/speak for you when you are feeling a bit week/emotional can be really helpful. Also they are less likely to forget to raise somethng you might if you start getting a bit upset.

I also back the silent method...if they say something which you question, or don't answer a question to your satisfaction, then simply ask it again and sit there and wait...

Seriously the power of silence is seriously unrated in most situations!

I wouldn't feel you have to play him/her [if you see what I mean]. You can speak plainly.

You: Hello. I am experiencing long term and unacceptable problems as a result of my 3rd degree tear. It actually needs looking into, so for my next birth I am thinking a c/s might be a sensible plan.
I see the RCOG mentions it as one, so I am interested in your opinion. Would you like to examine the tear before we discuss this futher, or just look at the labour notes?

Consultant : Yes.

You : I started a thread you know. Do you mumsnet? It rocks!

I have been thinking about this very issue, after a consultant gave me the same rubbish brush-off, and I eventually cancelled the appointments, as it was getting nowhere.

I had spoken to a GP at my surgery whose listed experience included women's health, and after a proper discussion, I decided to wait to be sewn up (sorry if TMI, but some slipped stitches formed a bump, and other slipped stitches left a tear at side of v. not great, but at least not too tight.) until after another child.

I'm planning to introduce this question with the GP when I next get pregnant, and also discuss with midwives. Do get other parties in the medical "chain" involved, as they have experience of getting round consultants, and have their own expertise (e.g. have heard about perineal massage as technique before birth).

Good luck!

Nb, if consultant comes up with something you don't understand, which is quite possible, say the following:

"You haven't made that particularly clear, you'll need to explain that to me please"

NOT

Hi there, thank you all for the messages. In the end I didn't take my boyfriend in with me just a big list of questions, which really helped. Had consultant appointment today saw a lovely one this time who didn't rush me, answered all my questions and had a good look at me,needless to say she was female this time and not the male consultant I had last time who gave me 2 mins, didn't answer any questions and generally made me feel like I was wasting his precious time . Anyways the upshot of it is that she would recommend going for a normal delivery again,all has healed well and pain is down to 'nerve entrapment' after being stitched up the last time- so if they do need to repair this time they will address this problem(or in future if I don't tear). Was just so nice to hear that there really is a reason for my pain and that hopefully ultimately it can be put right. She also recommended going straight for an epidural this time because of the pain I'm already suffering 'down there'. Sorry for the essay thanks again for all your response.