Visitors after childbirth - advice?

[mcb2b]

My best friend has organised to come and visit me 2.5 weeks after baby will be born (induction booked) for 5 days(she lives in a different country) but DH is concerned this is too long a visit at such an early stage. I think I will appreciate someone being there for me (and not just cooing over the baby). This is my first baby and so advice from experienced mums welcome.

hard to say - depends entirely on the relationships involved. i was more than happy to have my mum and sister staying when my babies were new, because they didn't expect to be looked after, and were willing to help, and keep out of the way when we needed 'new family' time. if she can do all those things, and your husband likes her, i don't see why it should be a problem.

If your friend is the useful kind who will help out (do laundry, make meals, make you cups of tea, take the baby so you can have a bath) then 5 days isn't too long. In fact, if she can entertain herself and won't expect you to entertain her, it could be lovely.

If, on the other hand, she needs to be waited on and entertained, than maybe not such a great thing.

I would echo what others have said but would also add that you don't know how you'll feel until the time comes. So ideally you want a friend who will help you out and won't mind if in the event you ask her to bugger off to a hotel for a couple of days.

I thought I would be fine with visitors. I really did. I had a very traumatic labour/delivery, including an em cs and just couldn't be around people for an extended period. Family who I ordinarily adore visited and Would Not Leave (9hrs until I cracked). I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed and sobbed.

ShowOfHands for you

Poor you! That sounds awful.

Thanks for all of your advice. Confident that my friend will be helpful and do feel able to be honest if I need her to go to a hotel (or other friends in town) so feeling better about decision.

Fully appreciate ultimately it will depend how it all goes. Fingers crossed...

I still remember the horror of "other people" being around almost 10 years later.

If I could do it again I would lock the door and pretend I was out for a month.

Just you, DP and baby is enough. Three of you need to get to know each other. IMO of course, but I'm an unsociable sod.

The three of you.

I was as high as a kite and DESPERATE for visitors to show off about how clever I was to. Incredibly uncharacteristic behaviour - I remember my dp and my mother looking at me as if I was an unexploded bomb, and I found out later that they had made all sorts of plans to deal with the "inevitable' low that was bound to follow the high. But it didn't. Everyone's different - try to keep your plans as flexible as you possibly can until you find out whether you're a "LOOK AT ME AREN"T I CLEVER-AND LOOK AT WHAT I MADE!!!!!!!!!!" type or a crawl into your cave with your little family and pull up the drawbridge and repel boarders type.

Seeker is wise. My sister was a OMG Look What I Did type and I thought I would be the same, but no, I was quite the opposite when it happened. Also, if your DH isn't comfortable about it, that needs to be thought about as well.

Does your friend have children? If she does, she probably knows what you need and is genuinely planning to help. If she doesn't, she might have the wrong idea about how much time you'll be able to devote to hostess duties.

Echoing advice above, that it's a very personal thing and depends on the friend... I'm also wondering if DH is back to work then? Is she the kind of friend who would be offended if you asked her to go for a wander for a while when DH returns from his day and want to just be with the two of you? I'm just trying to imagine what his concerns may be here.

Hope that's helpful and that you have a great birth. You'll meet your baby soon

x

Very personal thing. For my first pregnancy, I made the rule that my parents and my brothers could come (from abroad) and visit for the first week, but only my Mum was allowed to stay in the house; the rest had to book into a B&B. This was just right for me; enough support but not overwhelming.

After that, things got a bit complicated as ILs came to visit after my lot left and my FIL had a heart attack in our front room, so MIL ended up staying rather a long time while he was in hospital. She was very sweet and apologetic about it and certainly not difficult, but it was a bit of a strain.

When dc2 was born, both my parents stayed in the house and it was great: I was very tired and dh was working and doing the house; so my Mum and Dad took it in turns to get up with me for the night feeds and do the nappies and generally make sure I didn't fall asleep and drop the baby.

I was more like seeker- wanted people around. After several weeks on the ante-atal ward, home seemed a very lonely place.

It's probably worth talking to her in advance about this - especially if she doesn't have children - so she's not surprised if you suddenly seem unsociable.

And think about whether you need a place to retreat to - sounds silly, but I am currently struggling with a MIL who isn't staying with us but is only in the country for a week so comes round every day for 4-5 hours (late afternoon just when kids are coming back from school and I'm exhausted with a not quite 2 week old and she is NO help at all) and won't even let me go into my bedroom for peace, if she feels like "looking" at the baby .

I have tried to say my bedroom is the one place in the house where visitors don't follow you, but to no avail .

But a good friend who can actually help and keep your spirits up sounds fab.

If she is a helpful friend who you can totally relax around and know she will pitch in, then go for it.

If, on the other hand, you will have to play the gracious host for 5 days, don't do it.

You will be in the throws of sleep deprivation, trying to establish feeding etc, so you won't have time to look after anyone else. You will only have time for someone who is going to help look after you.

Its a personal thing. Having anyone to stay even for one night would have been my idea of hell, we had visitors but they only stayed for a couple of hours at a time.

I also didn't want any "help", dh had 2 weeks off work but once he went back I just wanted to find my feet and get on with it. I would have been annoyed by the presence of someone making cups of teas and hoovering. Perhaps I'm just a bit weird.

Is she's helpful and you are up for it great!

Personally I would not want anyone, best mate or not, staying in my house so soon.

MIL in law came to see DS2 when he was a week old and spend the 1st 20 mins moaning abut a rash on her neck before she mentioned her new Grandson. She did my head in, DH made her lunch and cleared up, then she wanted to be driven into Manchester to get some costmetics from Harvey Nichols! Thankfully DH said no.

Also forgot to say that if your partner is taking time off you don't really want your friend there at the same time as your partner. It really isn't necessary, there isn't that much that needs to be done and she will be left twiddling her thumbs. Arrange for her to come after he has gone back to work if you want extra help.

if you friend has had kids before id say yep she could be a great help doing the washing and helping out with the dinners...but if she is staying just to chat and look at the baby then it might get a bit draining after a day.