Giving birth alone, getting odd looks when I tell people...

[laurawantsababy]

Dp was at the birth of dd and was useless. I sent him away twice and he came back just before she was born.

Dc2 is due in January and I dont want dp there. He can be waiting in the day room and come in when all is done and dusted.

When I tell people I get odd looks and am asked 'why'.

Anyone else given birth alone? I am much better when just let to it and found it easier last time when dp was not in the room!

I did, 2nd time aorund.
Not entirely out of choice (dh abroad) but I didn't want my sister or mother who offered.It was fine. just fine.

I'd like to do this but I darent. My dh would be devestated

It's probably not 'odd' looks they're giving you, it's more likely to be concerned and worried looks... is there no-one you could ask to be your birth partner? Just to hold your hand and intercede with the midwife on your behalf? I think it will be a terribly lonely and possibly quite frightening business on your own, without some kind of moral support.

i know what you mean. dd1's birth was an ugly medicalised thing and dh just had to sit out of the way of the hcps.

for dd2's birth, I just wanted to be left alone. no one touching me, talking to me etc. dh touched me once and I told him to stop. thankfully, it was a home birth and he had necessary things to do, setting up and filling pool, etc. it made him useful which was good for him. TBH, i think more men would rather be around doing 'useful things' out of the way but nearby while their women labour but current social mores don't allow them to be honest about it.

maybe get him to bake a cake from scratch ( go buy the ingredients when contractions start, find the recipe then etc) or build something that will finish when the baby arrives.

I had my DD in the car at the hospital car park, just over three weeks ago. My DH had run off to get help and although he arrived back with 2 midwives a minute before DD's head was born to all intents and purposes I was alone for much of the birth and to be honest, did not miss having him there - I think I was so involved i what was happening with me I didn't really notice that he wasn't there! All I can remember being concerned about was that my knickers and trousers were still on and I didn't want her getting stuck in my trouser leg!

I think the reality of giving birth is very much different to the massage and candle burning most women imagine it to be and that the overwhelming sense of empowerment that comes from giving birth will see you through, far better than having someone hold your hand!

i agree with previous poster. I forgot to mention that no midwife was there either and you really can go into a mode where if this baby is coming you accept that it is and your body just gets on with doing what it can do.

I was also concerned about getting out of my knickers (already in the pool but forgot to take it off before getting in) so that dd wasn't born it them. after that, I blocked out everything and accepted that it was just me and her. Dh was the first person to touch her face and I took her out of the water myself and heard her take her first breath while already on my chest. bliss.

midwives arrived 5 mins later.

I did it alone the last time, although my mum came in at the moment of crowning! I much to prefer to be my myself and just get on with it. When I had my older two girls, my then dh was there and I felt uncomfortable...

Thanks all. I will be in hospital again for this one.

I much rather being on my own in times of pain etc! Plus, I am looking forward to spending the first part of dc2's left alone with her.

I conmpletely understand your point of view and if DH had felt uncomfortable I would have happily said waiut outside but he wanted to be there and bless kept out of the way as my reflexologist did all the supporting. Still he wanted to be to cut there to cut the cord etc.
It is entirely up to you and I think if it's what you want go for it!

I would prefer to be on my own with the midwife but DH got in such a state about it that I've grudgingly gone with it.
However if I find his presence a hindrance he will be going outside !

DH was present both times, and I found it really helpful. He positioned himself by my head, letting the MWs get on with doing their thing. Thing is, I'm partly deaf, and having him around to ensure I knew what was going on helped me to remain calm. He was a very reassuring presence.

Good for you - do what you feel is right. I don't think you are odd at all.

I was alone (well in hospital with midwife). It was perfect and magical. Felt so special to have my darling girl all to myself.

For my last birth my birth plan was something along the lines of:

My dh is here to carry the bags, put on my tens machine and see the baby once it's born, therefore I would like the midwives to be my birthing partners.

No catheter if epidural required

No constant monitoring

No ARM

I'd like to cut the cord.

Midwives chuckled when they read it but followed my birth plan. Dh was around but didn't really "do" anything IYSWIM and that was fine by both of us.

I have no idea (first baby) if I will want my DH there or not... I think I do... and that is the plan... but if I feel unhappy with that at the time and maybe just want my Doula and the midwives then I will ask him to leave (haven't actually told him this but will do!)

I think you are being sensible and wise: you know your DP and have already tried it once!

I would ignore the looks. 30 years ago you would have got them for saying DP was being there so you really can't win.

However... I have read stories on here where DPs were dreadful the first time and then amazing at later births... so you might not want to send him home in case you have a change of heart!

Do what's right for you - DH and I admitted that, had either of my sisters lived closer, they would have been my birth partner and not him. I didn't want to be alone, however, so he had to come with me. And came in bloody useful at DD2's birth, as it was a new type of hospital bed and the obs and mw did not know how to put the stirrups onto it . AND he positioned the light for the obs so he could work out where my PPH was coming from. A man of practical action, my DH, but fuck-all use at touchy-feely stuff

DP was fantastic during both my births, but if he hadn't been I would have sent away smartish. The second time it was actually the doula I sent away mind you I wish she had been there at my first birth...

Ooooh, I hadnt thought of cutting the cord myself. I quite like that idea.

Thanks all. I am keeping an open mind because I know I could change my mind. I want him very close by incase anything goes wrong.

It's sad for your DH that he won't get to be there for the birth of his child. Could you maybe talk to him about the reasons why you thought he was 'useless' first time round, and tell him some things he could do to make things better for you? It seems a shame to shut him out of such an important event if there's any chance you can rectify this.

Of course it is YOUR body and ultimately YOUR decision. I don't think you're odd at all, just trying to protect yourself and have the most positive birth experience possible.

I did with DD1 and I can't say it was pleasant actually, things happened like the epidurally sending me into fit, nice as the nurses were it would have been better to have had somebody who loved me holding my hand telling me it would all be ok.