Not sure I want hubby as my birth partner anymore ... (warning big whine)

[Rochwen]

This is more of a whine then a question but perhaps some of you had similar experiences. I need some advice (and sympathy, )

After attending our first NCT class yesterday hubby and I started discussing childbirth and I found that our views totally clash and, probably due to my current hormonal state, his attitudes upset me very much. Due to previous surgery I will probably not have a very straight-forward birth and end up with either a c/s or an instrumental delivery. I have an appointment with a consultant booked in week 36 where we will be discussing my birth options. I have decided that I will ask for a planned c/s and I think given my medical history there is a good chance that I will get one. However, when I told hubby about my decision he said taht this was 'out of the question' as it is major surgery (doh !) and I will have a 6 week recovery period (how quick does he think I will be jumping about after a forceps birth and a major episiotomy?) and that we (!!!) should try for 'natural' birth as this is better for the baby (???). I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How can he dare to decide what kind of birth I should be having ! Anyway, when I told him about my fears of a long labour, instrumental deliveries and emergency sections he just said told me 'not to worry', and that 'thousands of women have babies everyday' and 'you'll survive, it's only a couple of days'. That was not what I wanted to hear and his insensitive attidude really upset me. He just can't seem to comprehend that I'm genuinely afraid.

Then we continued discussing what would happen during my 'trial of labour' (if I decide not to take the c/s) and I asked him if he would fight my corner when the consultant or midwife wanted to do something that I didn't agree with and he simply said that in situations like that we have to trust the professionals. Unfortunately I don't trust the professionals and now I don't trust him anymore. I now feel that I will be all alone during my labour with no-one to take my side.

I always felt safe in the knowledge that hubby would be there for me and make sure everything would be alright but after last night's conversation I'm just not sure anymore.

I wish I could have a doula but there are not doulas up here.

I'm sorry this has been such a long-winded whinge but I really needed to get it off my chest. I'm still very upset.

Oh Rochwen you poor thing. I'm sure your husband thinks he's doing the best for you but he must understand that you have to be in control. If you are really worried about a 'bad' birth then I would opt for a cs (I'm not a medical person at all and I haven't had a previous cs). I had a 'bad' birth with my first child (failed ventouse, forceps) and if it wasn't for the fantastic drugs I would have been terrified. As it was I was away with the fairies. But it was traumatising for my DH who was watching - the baby's heartbeat was erratic and I was one push away from an emergency CS. At the end of my second pregnancy her did spook me a bit by getting very worried that the same thing would happen again, although at the end of the day it was a much more positive experience.

Giving birth is scary enough without not feeling you are in control and being worried about what might happen. I would have a long chat with your consultant to put your mind at rest. Perhaps your husband may realise how worried you are then. If you still aren't reassured, then don't feel bad about asking for a cs. You are the one who has to 'do it' after all.

Woordsmith I went through the same thing with my son (1st child) and my hubby too was traumatised. I too would have been scared infact I would have considered not having another child .

Rochwen, does your husband know you post on here? If he does then maybe you should show him this thread and others on this topic, if only to show him that even though loads of women give birth everyday, they too have fears. And also that the things that you are woring about are "real" [as in not from statistics but from "real" people (Mumsnetters)] It might help.

I just hope that things work out for you