Missed birth of my own baby due to c - section under general anethetic... happened to ANYONE else?

[champagneanddaisys]

My dd is four months old now and just found out one of my closest friends is pregnant and its bringing it all back. I cant help feeling real envy that she might get the birth I didnt get.
Feel realy bad and selfish for thinking that, I obviously want her to have the birth she wants. I think its just bringing back what happened to me.

Please if theres anyone else out there who had baby under general anethetic msg me just so I know theres someone else been through it.

I missed the birth of both my sons. Ds1 was em cs with Ga. Ds2 was vaginal birth that went wrong, as they were yanking him out with forceps I lost a lot of blood and passed out. With ds1 I didnt cope every well. The whole thing was very traumatic, as they put me under I really thought ds1 was not going to make it. Afterwards I had flashbacks, nightmares and kept bursting into tears every time I thought of it. I felt very guilty I was not with him for the first few hours and worried I had emotionally scarred him. Then I felt very ungrateful that I couldnt just be happy that I had my perfect baby and we were both well. It was not helped by people telling me that it didnt matter how he arrived but that we were both safe and well. That made me feel worse and more ungrateful.

Eventually those feelings did go and now I hardly think of it. But I think you have to be easy on yourself and let yourself 'grieve' for that experience. That might sound a bit daft. But this idea of 'giving birth to your child is the most wonderful experience in your life' and 'you never forget the rush of emotions when you first hold your baby' is so deeply ingrained in us and what so many of us have dreamed of for so long. But my birth to ds1 was the most awful experience in my life and I dont even remember the first time I held him due to the drugs. You cant just get over that and move on, it needs to be dealed with. Like others have said the birth trauma asociation is probably a good idea. But please dont feel bad

I waffled on to much and forgot to say, congratulations on the birth of your dd.

I also agree with lulu

I don't post about my 'birth trauma'. But I thought I wanted to reply to you. I had my first child under GA - he got stuck and when they started the CS I could feel the cutting. I actually wondered if I should not say anything, whether I could bear it, in order to avoid the GA.

I remember very vividly my DH walking out of theatre (they don't let them stay if it's GA).

Then I woke up, and I saw the back of my DH and my midwife, and I thought "I must have had the baby". They turned round, and the midwife held up my son. I remember that very clearly: that was 'my' moment when I met my son.

But I felt very disorientated - a long labour, lots of pain, then missing the final bit. And I felt like a failure.

When I got home, I cried - he was three days old and I hadn't even seen him naked. So we undressed him, I looked at him and cuddled him, and we talked about what had happened - why I'd had the CS, GA etc.

But it took me years to get over. Until I'd had another baby. Someone who'd been through similar said to me straight afterwards that having another one (a VBAC) 'made up for it'. That made me feel worse - I didn't want it 'made up for'. But having a second gave me perspective: labour hurts. Childbirth is imperfect. I had a successful VBAC but was very out of it (slightly shocked - was very speedy!) for a good hour or so afterwards.

As time moves on you'll realise that birth is one tiny part of being a mum. The moment you first saw your baby is just as precious, whether it's immediately he's born, half an hour afterwards, or when you walk into the room during an adoption.

With Leningrad on that one. I think that is the thing the 'at least the baby was born healthy' posts are trying to say.

I had an EMCS under GA. It was just as horribly traumatic as the other posters was, but for some reason it just didn't bother me that much as I felt elated that I had survived and produced an amazing dd. Bizarrely, because it was so awful I was just so amazed to the point where I am not sure I would have chosen another way!
I think that is what some of us are saying, not 'oh buck up' but hey - we survived it and there is light at the end of the tunnel by facing it with the proper support.

If I had read this post after DS1's birth I would of been crying uncontrollable at this point

Christ it is so true that people who say 'at least you've a healthy baby' are being dismissive - I always thought it was like saying to someone who'd been in a terrible car crash had their car written off spent time in hosptial recovering from their injuries to be told 'ah well at least you'll get a new car from the insurance pay out'

Anyway my point DS2 labour/ birth was worse and was under GA and I don't feel anything negatvie about it and the reason - I talked - talked and talked some more - to the right people - spoke to my midwife (well in fact she came to see me the next day when she finished her shift and spoke to me) she went through the birth and the reasons why everything happend and I went to see a perinatal psychiatrist too (mind you I did nothing but cry in her office!!) People who listen (online and in real life) people who won't say 'ah sure you have a healty baby be grateful for that'

So no you are not alone and yes you are fully and completly entitiled to morn the birth you didn't have (and rememebr the morning process involved anger - anger at those that have an easy birth)

Also remember the those that had an easy birth had it easy so nurturing and caring for their baby was just that easy - you didn't have an easy birth and yet still nurtures and cared for your baby regardeless - you are the best of mums one who show true unconditional love under the hardess of situations. What a wonderful person you are!

What a lovely post, Buddleja

I had a crash section under GA with DD (had planned a HWB, reluctantly agreed to induction/augmention for PROM, failed epidural, fetal bradycardia and brow presenting baby)and it took me many months to come to terms with it.

I felt utterly shocked. I had always been vaguely aware I might end up with a CS, I'm tiny and my mum had 3 x CS, but that the epidural might not work and it could all go so wrong, so quickly - threw me.

The fact that neither me or my DH saw our child being born is hard to articulate, but I found it difficult to shake off the feeling that it might not be my baby. It could be anyone's baby. And lots of pain post op because of no epidural, couldn't lift her or change her.

I found going over my notes with an independant MW to see where things had gone wrong, if it could have been avoided, ask lots of questions and talk it through with someone not from the hospital, was really soothing.

When I had DS I tried for a HBAC and transferred in for FTP. I insisted on a CS with spinal and refused all offered 'intervention' as it was imperative that I didn't repeat the experience. It was fab by comparison, but the staff were v shirty and didn't 'get it'.

My sister had her first baby this year, two pushes for second stage and no tears V pleased for her of course, but envious too. Normal I think. I certainly grieved for the experience I didn't get, it did get easier though.
Be kind to yourself

Champagne,I totally identify with you.
I really really wanted a natural birth.
My babys movements stopped and I had a GA and didnt have a single labour pain.
I woke up during the procedure and pleaded with my eyes to the anaethetist.The pain was indescribable.It took him ages to look down and see my eyes wide open.I felt mildly amused at his horror but also alarmed at the silence in the room.I could write a book about the insensitive way I was treated both before and after the CS.However soon after,after been stuck in a corridor for ages in terrible pain and shivering violently,I was told I had had a son.Not long after that I was told he was severely brain damaged and about the worse case they had dealt with.
That was 21 years ago and I still get flashbacks.
Two things have helped me,

1. After a certain age women stop talking about birth and talk about other things.

2.Birth does vary so much,a Midwife told me it varies from woman to woman. I hate it when women tell me how painful it was,when women tell me it wasn`t as bad as they thought I could kiss them. I think the point I want to make to anyone who does not understand how Champagne is feeling is this: After been told the most awful news any mother could receive I still felt the most tremendous disappointment that I didn`t give birth. And maybe to those smug women who did and held their NT babies while telling me that surely the most important thing was to have a healthy baby ( knowing I didn`t) RACK OFF! Sorry Champagne,bless you and Riven.

oh my god theres so many people out there gone through the same thing... This is the first time iv posted on here btw.

Thank you everyone for posting back to me.

I did think I was fine for the four months up till now and refused offers to talk it through with people because after getting over the initial shock and knowing dd was ok I realy belived what some people have been saying and that if you have a healthy baby you should just get on with it.

I hope im not going on but im angry that this happened to me. I had a normal pregnancy and awful 52 hour labour to get to fully dialated so I could do things naturaly.

I was then given 1 hour to push her out and as I couldnt get her head out was told by a bully of a doctor I had to hav c section ( baby and me both fine )

When I was in there they dicided to give me a spinal rather than top up my epi.
The anethatist f**ckd up and used to much and it rose up my body to my lungs and so I was literaly drowning.

I pleaded with them with my eyes and they put me out. Last thing I remember is ds being shooed out crying from the room.

Im realy sorry to go on and I know im being silly to an extent. But to think that I missed my babys first couple of hours in the world - not hearing her frst cry and her being sudenly in this strange place and not seing her mummy for hours is just soo sad to me. Not sharing the first moment with my dh, him just being handed her screaming after half an hour sitting outsided the room listning and not knowing if we were both alive.

The worst thing is I was handed this baby fully clothed hours after and alowed to hold her briefly and told that id seen her before.
I dont even remember the first moment I saw my daughter.

I supose the thing im having the most trouble coming to terms with is that it was all because the care team wouldnt listen to me that just treat you like your a 5year old and seems they push perfectly healthy people into having c sections just to fit into there time frame.

I know people make mistakes and doctors are human too but all I got was a half assed apology when I was still out of it on the drugs and the anethetist saying it "hardly ever happens"
Then having the hospital patient liasions come and go over my birth notes with me the mornig after when my baby had been taken into SCBU to see if I wanted to put in a complaint to the NHS . As if You have the energy to do that when your not with your newborn!

It has realy helped me, reading all these posts I dont feel so alone in this anymore.
Thank you

Also sorry...
Isnt it too late to talk things through with a midwife now after 4 months?
Was given details of one to ring if felt bad about things but feeling ok after about a month I stupidly threw it away.

Champagne - it is not too late to ring the MW and go through your notes. It's never too late. You will also find other websites and people to talk to - like here on MN - realising it is not all ok is the first step to dealing with it. Birth trauma is very real and can hit anyone, whatever the birth

The key point here is the birth trauma - which is very different from being a mother with a baby to care for - the focus of birth, our expectations, feelings, anticipations, hopes and fears - are quite different from feelings of being a mother

I never get the "well its ok because the baby is ok" - it is possible to be thankful for the baby and upset about the birth - it is possible to feel more than one thing at a time

Good luck

My last ds was a planned c section with epidural but the anaethsetist could get the needle in. (Midwifes in room clearly not happy with him from start - made me think he wasn't too good) After sticking the needle in my spine for the 15th time he decided he couldn't do it so I was rapidly put under and had baby under GA by c section. Not my best day I can tell you.

When I did evetually came round I couldn't hold my baby, too sleepy and shaky to do this. My ds had already bottle fed baby twice.

I know it had to be done but was a big disappointment tbh.

daisy, it would be really valuable to go through your notes and find out why it went from you being fully and pushing, and pushing for one hour is normal for a first birth, to a c.s

maybe your baby was not in a good position and would not have ever crowned.

maybe your baby was in a bad postion and too high up for a ventouse or forceps delivery

you need to know these things, it will really help you work through it

lulumaman I think because it had been so long the horible doctor was getting fed up!!

He was trying to bully me into a c.s for hours before, dispite baby being on moniter and all fine.
Then I finaly agreed to vontuse but he said he would only do it in theatre, so thats why I ended up there having spinal.

If I could have the man struck off I would He was the most arogant man, all the midwifes seemed scared off him an he had know idea how to talk to a woman in labour...let alone someone at transitional stage determined but terrified!

I still have alot of anger towards him!!!! as you can prob tell!

I hate the thought that hes still there bullying other women in childbirth!!!

champagneanddaisys, please forgive me for copying & pasting, but here is something I wrote last year, about my experience from dd1's birth (in 2003) I wrote it while pregnant with dd2. I am not saying it was easy to recover from, my God...it was the hardest thing I have ever gotten over in my life!

In the 2 years immediately after dd1's birth I swore I would never have another baby, because I just couldn't bare to go through it all again. Took me 4 years to TTC again. A yr ago I had a section with a spinal & it helped in some part, to heal the past & dd1s birth. I was too scared to try vbac as I was worried I would have issues & need a c-section under GA, so opted for a section. That way I was awake, I heard her cry & I held her...was a wonderful moment.

I hope things get better for you soon, we are all here wanting to help...so don't be afraid of talking to us.

Here is my story....

"I had a GA C-sect at 36 weeks.

I was induced due to pre eclampsia & the c-section was because she was distressed & no time for anything else. I wasn't far along, so it was the only option.

I saw her for 10 minutes the next day [she was born at 11.20pm] then I had her with me the day after that at lunch time. Mainly due me to being kept sedated due to high BP, plus she spent a while in scbu.

What affected me was

• I wasn't the first to meet or hold her
• I wasn't the first to feed her/change her nappy/dress her
• I didn't hear her cry/don't know if she cried
• Dh wasn't at the birth & after a few relationship problems we really really wanted this
• He didn't get to cut the cord

I can still cry about it now, 4+ years on. I had a few weeks where I would just start thinking about it, start feeling like I had failed her & me. And the tears would come.

I felt cheated that I couldn't give birth to her. I couldn't bare to look at my scar as it reminded me of the failure that I [my body] was. Dh had to clean around my scar as I just couldn't face it, couldn't bare to touch it.

Then I wrote the long story that was my birth plan & my friend asked me to email it. I had put on it how I felt I had let dd down, etc.

She said, amoung other things
"While I have no idea of how important those things are you mentioned [she has no children] you have years ahead of you now with dd, I am sure that there are many more important things that will come your way & you will be involved in. You have a whole lifetime together.

As for your scar, that is your daughter's door into this world, be proud of it, it is you & it is her, a vital part of her life.

You gave life, you gave birth. Which ever way you see it, you are the most important person in her life, no one gave her what you could, what you did. Let them have the first nappy change, you have all the rest"

It was those words that turned me around a bit, made me realise that some things, whilest very important to me, couldn't be fixed/changed. I just had to make new memories & try to think that the birth was just one day in many. Living under that cloud stopped me from enjoying my baby & at times I felt like I was just baby sitting, waiting to give her back."

I'm so glad I've found this thread after having an em c-section under GA 5 weeks ago. It still feels too raw to talk about (I canlt even look at scar or even nighty I was wearing for labour) and I'm going in to see consultant to go through notes on Thursday to find out what went wrong (have had 3 normal deliveries previously so very shocked by what hapened). I also had a terrible experience with adminstering of anasthetic - don't know what happened, but went from breathing in gas and air in mask, to not being able to breath and all, and strangling sensation on windpipe - is that normal??.The last thought I had was that I was going to suffocate
From speaking to supervisor of midwives, she thinks baby was too big for my pelvis, though I know that's a much-overused jusification for intervention and think it might be more due to position. Anyway, will learn more on Thursday hopefully, though feel very anxious and genrally quite low about it all..
Some wise words on here from Lula and others.

my dd2 was born by crash section, i had a ga administered in the corridor practically, didn't get "woken up" for 3 days after and had had an emergency hysterectomy during that time, can honestly say it doesn't bother me, i have a healthy gorgeous child, really how she came into the world is really neither here nor there, i am far too busy getting on and enjoying life to dwell on what has already happened.

Mummydoc I'm really pleased that your experience didn't bother you but I have to say your final sentance isn't the most sensitive in a thread about struggling with the emotional aftermath of a caesarean under GA. To write "I'm far too busy getting on and enjoying life to dwell on what has already happened" is a bit blunt and implicit that those who ARE dwelling are moping somewhat. Perhaps that isn't your intention and I'm being oversensitive, but it's hard not to be. When you're struggling hugely with the trauma of a caesarean under GA to read of people brushing it away can be very demoralising. A bit like all those endless c-section threads on here where people trip over themselves to bang on about how "easy" they found it and how they were laying tarmac the next day. Great when the OP is usually posting because three weeks in she can barely stand upright.

How a child comes into the world IS important for some people. It's not important for you and that's fantastic that you've processed your experience that way, but for other people the experience is important and needs to be acknowledged as such. Part of the struggle and the trauma is the very fact that people tend to brush away what's happened to you as irrelevant once the baby has arrived. The "Oh well, you've got a healthy baby it could be a LOT worse..." mentality. The point is, we KNOW this (which adds to the guilt and complex emotions) but we can't just shut off how we feel. If I could have bounced back from what happened to me I would have loved to. I hate the fact that my daughters' birth was and is traumatic to me. I'd give anything to have recovered well from it and it wasn't for want of trying - with premmie twins I didn't have time to wallow. I was bloody well up to my neck in nappies and feeding tubes. Instead, I shut it all away inside me and put a brave face on it whilst everyone said "never mind, it could be worse". Yes, true, but it could have been a damn site f*cking better too.

Some people struggle with losing the moment of their child's birth. It has nothing to do with how happy they are with their child and how much they love them, and everything to do with a trauma that they somehow can't process. Allowing themselves to admit to feeling this way, giving themselves PERMISSION to mourn the way in which their child came into the world is an important part of finding peace with what happened to them. You didn't need to do this, which is fantastic, but surely you see that for some people it's not as black and white as a healthy baby making all that has come before it irrelevant.

Champagne - I waited 12/13 months before discussing it, I wasn't ready before then.

But I wrote it out in long detail and talked about it a lot. Between arranging the 'debrief' with MW and the appointment, I found out I was pregnant with DS so I was glad to get it sorted out a bit more for the next time.

What a wonderful post KITS . I, too, would give anything to be able to 'shut off' the feelings, but sadly it's just not possible.Maybe one day?

Maybe the reason its not so raw with me, because mine was nearly 3 years ago. But i remember the horrid feeling everytime i looked at the scar. I can now no longer see it, its gone. Time should heal things, it worked for me. And dont forget it takes at least a year for your body to re-adjust, so try and take it easy. Wishing you and baby luck + happiness.

just come back to this, so sorry to have offended anyone, i really didn't mean to be insensitive, i do find it very hard to understand why it is such a big deal to some people, i do not think less of them or feel they are wrong i just don't get it really, i so rarely think about what happened because i am very busy with work/kids/life in general. maybe if i stopped and looked back i would feel sad in a way but it wasn't the end of the world to me .

Totally utterly empathise with you.
DD2 was fed and dressed by my sister and DH.
I had retained placenta removed in theatre and prior to that had lost loads of blood.
I barely remember her birth and feel so sad that i missed those first few hours with her.
Also my sister asked me before I went to theatre is I wanted her to bf my dd (as she was still bf ing at the time)which I agreed to.
The midwife wouldn't let her do it looking shocked and saying 'WE don't allow THAT at THIS hospital'
She was fed by cup. She is now 10mo and I'd all but forgotten about it until I read this so the pain does subside but you are not in any way being silly or unreasonable.