Kick up the bum needed. Niece has just had a baby, all fine, and all I can think about is my own horrid last birth

[MamaG]

I feel so selfish! Obviously I'm delighted for my niece, baby boy born at 35 weeks but he's doing fine, as is she. Her sister was with her (and her boyf) and we were receiving labour updates. At one point they were considering a CS but didn't tell my niece. When I heard that, it felt like a blow to my chest! I literally couldn't breathe for a minute. I feel so silly! When she had him, without CS, I was so relieved, but now I'm going over and over the little bits of my labour and (emCS) birth that I do remember, dwelling on things and trying to remember stuff. I was going on at DH last night "...and where was I then? WAs I awake? What did I say? Where was BabyG?" etc and I think he thinks I'm bonkers. I haven't told him how much it has hit me as he found the birth very traumatic too and I don't want to drag it all up again for him, so I've stopped asking the questions.

God, I feel so selfish

You're not selfish. Did you think you had dealt with your feelings about the birth and got over it? Or do you think perhaps you pushed them to one side in order to look after BabyG and not upset your DH any further, and now it's hit you all over again?

Not selfish at all.

When i got home form traumatic birth (48 hr labour forceps with just G&A and Tens, massive scar, no AGPAR score, born blue etc. etc.) and felt a bit better i wrote it all down in detail and got DH to fill the gaps in.

It helped.

I must confess to being a bit agrieved when i heard SIL had an epidural during a normal birth at first. But then everyone's exp is different and you and BabyG are healthy .

And i do occasionally catch myself staring at DS1 thinking he nearly didn't make it.

Oh I've definitely pushed my emotions etc to one side. No doubt about that! I really should have a de-brief at the hospital but it's difficult to find a quiet day with three DC!

Not surprising that your neice's experience has brought it all up for you again then. I still find myself going over my dd's birth eight months ago and that was straightforward.

I think you need to talk to your DH about it, at least so that he knows what's going on and maybe you can arrange some way of getting to the hospital for a debrief. You shouldn't have to protect your DH from your feelings, it may be upsetting for both of you but you can help each other with it.

No love, you're not going bonkers, nor are you selfish. You're own experience was obviously stressfull/traumatic and the worry about your niece has brought it all back - THIS IS NORMAL!
Is there anyone one else in RL you can talk this through with, mum or GP? Is it too late for a medical de-brief with MV or GP?
Or talk to us MNers, it mght help.

Could you ask hospital for the MW's notes for your delivery. When I had my dss they let me see the notes afterwards (not that they were very interesting in my case) but that might help you to fill in the gaps and come to terms with everything.
You aren't selfish at all, it was a very traumatic experience for you.

Thanks all. I really don't want to talk to DH about it, he really did struggle and I think it would be selfish of me to make him go through it all again. BabyG is 8 months old now, I've had plenty of time to de-brief at hosp but I keep putting it off! Now 6 weeks hols are about to start, so I'm realistically looking at September.

Can you not tell him the minimum, that your neice's birth has brought it all up again, and that you need to go to the hospital to debrief, so that he understands he needs to take a day off to look after the dc so you can go?

He might surprise you and be ready to support you now.

You're not selfish, it's just that someone else giving birth reminds you of when you gave birth.

I had really bad hyperemesis when I was pregnant and felt appalling the entire time, also had other complications. I do feel happy for other people when they tell me they are pregnant, but it does make me feel a bit sick as that is all I can really associate with pregnacy. I also feel very glad that I have finished the pregnancy bits!

Oh he did support me, really he did. He was fantastic! I know he'd support me n ow, but I don't want BOTH of us to be upset again. He's dealt with it and moved on, I don't wnat to drag him back.

Am I making sense?

Argh, baby awake n ow, will come back later!

Actually, it sounds like you don't really want to go to the hospital for a debrief, but know that you should and if you tell DH you'll have to go and you're resisting that...?

No, I do want to go, its like when you have toothache and you know if you go to the dentist it will be horrid but you'll feel better afterwards. You try to ignore the toothache for as long as possible, but you know you'll have to go eventually!

I know the feeling - wrt dentists in particular

So, I really think you need to tell him. Think about it, would you be happy thinking he's was happy and fine, but really he was in pain but didn't want to tell you in case you got upset?

It's not selfish. He'll want to help you.