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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

I have no-one to care for DD while I give birth

31 replies

Benjy · 07/04/2009 11:11

I am having an elective section and will probably give birth around 17 August, unless i go into labour naturally beforehand.

My mum died a couple of years ago. I have a sister but she lives about 200 miles away, has a young family of her own and, if the section is arranged for 39 weeks, she will be out of the country at this point.

I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws. They spoilt the first few days after DD's birth for me and I really don't want them there. I can't stress enough how much I don't want them involved.

DD is only 8 months. She will be 13 months when DC2 is born. She has never been apart from me and I am worried about how she will cope with the separation. She is quite a clingy baby.

I have made a good mum friend since having DD but she is moving (emigrating) in May so I can't ask her to look after her, as planned.

I am really worrying about this and have no idea who I could ask to care for her. I hate the thought of her being left somewhere she hasn't been prepared for and becoming distressed. I know lots of other mums but not well enough to ask them to do this for me.

I am going out for a while now so I won't be able to reply straight away.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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samsonthecat · 07/04/2009 11:17

Wher abouts are you? Perhaps you could find a friend via mumsnet who could help. Or maybe leeve her with your DH and take a doula to the birht with you?

NormaJeanBaker · 07/04/2009 11:27

Not sure what to suggest but really feel for you. Hope someone comes up with an idea. Does your midwife know your situation? Can you get to know one of the mums a bit better by August and see if they can help?

ArcticLemming · 07/04/2009 11:32

I had a similar problem. I used my childminder in the end, which worked out brilliantly. Apparently quite a few childminders are prepared to do "emergency" care like this if they have the spaces. Seeing as you have quite a bit of time, you could contact some in your area, and when you find one that you are happy with and is prepared to do it you could maybe send your DD an afternoon a week or something to get used to her. She'll need to get permission for overnight care if you think you'll need that, but it isn't actually a problem - just an adminstrative procedure she'll need to do in good time.
Hope it all works out.

onetiredmummy · 07/04/2009 11:40

Hi Benjy,

I'm kind of in the same situation although not exactly. Its worrying, but you have the time to work something out so try not to panic.

My plan, if its any help, is to get ds's regular childminder round to look after him while I'm in the hospital. You could find a childminder and get your dd familiar with them before the section. It will cost, but my childminder is £3 an hour which is do-able. Also with a section you can pre-book your childminder, its not like youre calling them out in the middle of the night.

Otherwise do you go to any coffee mornings/baby groups as there are usually childminders with children there, one of them may be able to help...

Mamulik · 07/04/2009 11:45

may be social services could help?

Geepers · 07/04/2009 11:48

Maybe your DH will have to look after her and you will have to have the baby alone. Not ideal, and wouldn't be my choice but if you don't have any options you haven't much choice.

WhoTookMyMemoryStick · 07/04/2009 11:51

Yes, my dh looked after our children. Was fine.

Hope all goes well for you.

Cies · 07/04/2009 11:59

Could you start getting your dd used to a babysitter now? And then you could leave her with the babysitter when you give birth.

mammapiggy · 07/04/2009 12:04

i think if your dh can look after your dd that may be the best option, like others have said it is not ideal but maybe you will feel happier in yourself giving birth and knowing she is ok, rather than worrying about who she is with.

to put it this way, who needs your dh more while you are giving birth? you or your dd?

Original poster

Benjy · 07/04/2009 22:02

Thanks for the replies.

I don't really want to leave DD with DH not because I need him more but because it would mean he loses out by missing the birth of DC2 and I know he would like to be there. Also, the decision not to have his parents stay and care for DD is mine; DH refuses to acknowledge that there is any problem between ILS and me, hates conflict of any kind and so will never get involved. He would be quite happy if I agreed to let them come.

I haven't had reason to look at childminders since with an unexpected pregnancy so soon after DD's birth (I am meant to be infertile!) I won't be returning to work for a while. Do you have any advice on how to find a good childminder, what I should look for, etc? Also, I would only want to leave DD with childminder for a morning a week in the lead up and then for the day itself. Am I likely to find a childminder who would take DD on a short-term arrangement?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/04/2009 22:05

I gave birth to DS alone. DH had to stay with our two daughters and we have no family nearby and no one we could ask.

TBH even if I abhorred my ILs I'd have sucked it up and asked them if at all possible, but mine live aways out and have very poor health.

If you're having a planned csection, too, it won't be teh middle of the night like mine was.

You can ask them just for the day.

berniebump3 · 07/04/2009 22:06

Really feel for you... but thinkin you might be surprised how other mums you know would really be there for you if they knew the situation. There is nothing more surprising than the support of mums for other mums... this year I went through a rough time... long story, but usual redundacy.. lose everthing... I was really struggling... 2 kids , pregnant, husband not much help..hardly ever around due to stress in relationship.. One day I just told a few mums I vaugly knew... I think I just had to talk and suddenly had so many people offering geniune support.. not the kind of naff patronising help, but genuine support which has really helped me. One mum has often had kids for me at short notice as I've had a few probs with pregnancy.. I really think its worth telling people you know and hopefully they will be supportive as well... I would be very surprised if there wasn't at least one who would help out. You know you would go out of your way yourself to help someone ... so good luck, Thinkin of you

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2009 22:06

I would ask one of the women you know, but not terribly well. I really and truly would be happy to help someone I knew even slightly in this situation. Do you go to any groups?

angrypixie · 07/04/2009 22:14

Where are you? With as much information as possible a MNer might be able to recommend or offer some support.

mololoko · 07/04/2009 22:38

would a home birth be a possibility? if so, you get 2 midwives to yourself the whole time which takes some pressure off your dh, your dd may even be asleep whilst you give birth. if you can afford a doula, even better.

congrats by the way, and good luck. hope you can get this sorted.

mololoko · 07/04/2009 22:40

d'oh must be time for bed, missed the elective section bit right at the start of your OP. sorry, my post was no help at all.

ThingOne · 07/04/2009 22:49

You've got time to start to get to know people who could get to know your DD. Four months is a long time - get thee to toddler groups and chat.

everGreensleeves · 07/04/2009 22:50

Where do you live Benjy? There must be MNers you could get to know a bit better who would be happy to do this for you. I would, if you live anywhere near me...

mrsjammi · 07/04/2009 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

juneybean · 07/04/2009 22:52

Where abouts are you?

lal07 · 07/04/2009 22:56

Benjy if you live anywhere near me I'd be happy to help (you can see roughly where I live on my profile page). I also had problems with ILs after DS was born so sympathise

ArcticLemming · 08/04/2009 10:13

In terms of good childminders my first line would be to ask around for personal recommendations.
Some would be happy to only take for a morning and then the day itself - that's what I originally did with my DD. It just depends on their capacity.
If no luck with personal recommendations try the ofsted site. They list and report on all childminders and you can search by region.
www.ofsted.gov.uk

Or you could also post in the childminding section here.
I have little support locally and have found having a childminder who knows my kids and can take them at short notice a real blessing. You might really welcome some time alone with the new baby after he or she is born.
Good luck

traceybath · 08/04/2009 10:18

I had c-section with ds2 by myself whilst DH looked after ds1.

It was fine - more than fine actually, the staff were lovely - possibly more so because i was on my own.

DH and DS1 came into the recovery bit to see us so saw ds2 within half an hour of him being born.

DH bonded incredibly well with ds2.

To be honest - i could have called on friends but ds2 made an earlier than expected appearance on boxing day and i didn't want to shove ds1 on someone when they'd got all their family there as felt ds1 would have been overwhelmed.

Am currently pregnant with dc3 and dh will look after ds1 and ds2 whilst i have c-section.

Hope it works out for you.

Oh and i'm getting in-laws to come and help with dh and children whilst i'm in hospital. And then when i come out they'll go home - works perfectly for me

lalalonglegs · 08/04/2009 10:42

I would happily look after the child of someone I didn't know very well in these circumstances and I think most women would. So, is there anyone that you don't consider a really close friend but who is kind and responsible and you could at least sound out about it? Incidentally, I think it is really, really normal to spend a lot of your second and subsequent pregnancies fretting about what you will do with your existing children during the birth so I think most people who have children will sympathise and be willing to help

Original poster

Benjy · 10/04/2009 11:19

Thank you all for your replies, especially those that offered help. We live in SE London at the moment, not far from Greenwich, but we are thinking of moving out to Essex, not sure when that will happen.

There is a woman near me I know vaguely who told me this week she does babysitting if I would ever be interested so she might be a possibility.

Someone also mentioned Homestart to me. I don't know much about them so not sure if they would help in this situation but I will call them next week.

I also wondered if a doula would help? Do you think a doula would be prepared to wait in the hospital with DD while I have the section and then DD could join us in recovery? I know it wouldn't be the type of support normally given by a doula but it would be helping me achieve my ideal birth experience!

OP posts:

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