calling people who have more than one homebirth (or any doulas!) - why do i feel a bit worried about doing it again when it was so positive last time?

[fairylights]

i am 21 weeks pg with dc2 and had a really wonderfully positive experience of a home waterbirth with my son.. ok so the labour was looong but i had a great doula and mw and i am sooo glad that i was able to have my first birth at home.
But now I am turning my thoughts to this next baby's birth and for some reason i feel slightly more ambivalent than i would have expected - i have been pondering this for weeks and wondering whether i would lose this feeling as the pregnancy became more real but thats not happening. So i think that maybe i am feeling this way because now that i have a child already i can appreciate so much more how amazing and also fragile a tiny life is.. and therefore feel the need for the "security" of hospital a bit more?and i have also heard a few really sad stories of homebirths going horribly wrong which i didn't hear before i had my ds. Some of these stories have been on MN and i am grateful to those people who have shared the reality of what can happen with a HB if things go pear-shaped. An old schoolfriend of my dh also had a HB with her 3rd dc a few months ago and her baby tragically died after a dash to hospital and emergency c-section.
So anyway.. i just wanted to know if any of you who have had (or been at!) more than one homebirth can appreciate where i am coming from and maybe reassure me? I just feel a bit perplexed at my feelings..
sorry for the ramble, thanks for reading

I've planned 4 homebirths (transferred for 2, stayed at home for 2) and as a doula I've been present at 5 homebirths and I'd say what you are feeling is completely normal, for a few reasons:

1. As a mum already this time you are of course putting the needs of your existing child over your desire to have a homebirth for you/this new baby, totally normal and of course with that comes worries about "what if" something goes wrong and the impact it will have on your existing child. Of course you know deep down that homebirth is safer for not only the new baby, but for you also, but there is so much misunderstanding surrounding homebirth, so many myths and negativity from society at large that if something went wrong "at home" you perhaps might feel worse than if something went wrong "in hospital" (of course we know it is FAR less likely to go wrong at home and if it does well then there's not a great deal they can't do than if you were in hospital originally). All of this logic is hard to take in though when you are in the emotive place of being a mother!

2. You sound like you had a pretty dream birth last time, perhaps you are afraid of it not living up to your expectations this time? with my first (succesful) homebirth I felt so elated, so when pregnant with my 4th child (2nd homebirth) I was really nervous thinking "it was so good last time, I can't be as lucky this time" - in actual fact it was even better!! - but again, this comes back to our self limiting beliefs, not reality!

3. You sound like you don't have a doula this time? if you don't I think you might really benefit from using one again, for different reasons than perhaps you did last time, but still just as important. Might it be worth chatting with your doula from last time again?

HTH

fairylights - I feel exactly the same. I'm not pregnant, but after an extremely straightforward pregnancy and homebirth with my first, 5 months ago, there is a part of me that thinks about doing it again and wonders if I could be so lucky a second time!

I really would have thought that a successful homebirth would give me confidence to do it all again, but there you go...

thanks so much for your REALLY helpful replies! Glad that you don't all think I'm a bit odd..
think i will get in touch with the doula we had last time, i think she would been understanding of where i am coming from.
The more i think about it, the more i think that i would probably end up feeling v freaked out if i did go to hospital (out of choice) - and somehow hearing that others of you have felt/would feel the same emotions makes me less anxious.. ah, the power of MN!
Any more responses really welcome.. thanks

bump for anyone else..thanks!

I think it's really natural to think about the last birth and wonder what the next one will be like. I had very long, medicalised, epiduralised etc but ultimately fine birth with DS, then 3 days ago had home water birth with doula, very very quick and painful but drug free. Both good births as much as you can say childbirth is good. but like you I had the feeling that I was lucky first time (DS popped out with no tears etc), and thought, can I be lucky again, turns out I was even luckier the second time.

just a thought, I only had a homebirth because moved to the Netherlands last year and it is considered totally normal here, so you are totally supported by the whole system if you want to have a hb. they don't consider it dangerous or strange at all here, and it's amazing how being in that culture gave me the confidence to do it. Especially for 2nd or more births, it's as safe as hospital, if not safer.

I found the Ina May Gaskin guide to childbirth and the Birthing from within books really helpful, also TENS. Natural childbirth is something to feel anxious about, in fact any childbirth is, but I think you would be totally fine at home as you have done so well with your first, no way could I have got through the first without epidural.

this is quite rambling but anyway I would just say talk to the doula and don't worry, I think contemplating arrival of DC2 it's normal to be thinking about different options, comparing and worrying about the next time, I definitely did! good luck!

oh also, 2nd labours are shorter, my first was 36 hours, second was 5.. if you're the same you will be done so quickly it's amazing!