Anyone's husband not been/reluctant to be at birth?

[sleepyeyes]

DH and I are TCC, I had a miscarage early feb and having trouble conceiving so may be going down the IVF route.
In the past DH has mentioned before that he finds the idea of childbirth horrifying.
He has just brought it up again and been very frank the idea of even watching a birth video terrifies him and that he doesn't think he can be there at the moment of birth and possibly not support me during the labor.
I have always wanted a home birth (assuming that I have a normal healthy pregnancy and baby) which DH is very supportive of so he will still be around just not 'there'. In order to ensure that I am completely comfortable and supported we will use an independent midwife and a doula that way I will see and build a relationship with the people who are there.

Has anyone's husband chose not to be there? How did it make you feel afterwards? Should I demand or accept the situation?

I just feel so sad that he will probably not see the birth of his child, such a special moment and he will choose not to be there.

I know I'm not pregnant right now but I feel I need to deal and accept this now rather that feel let down while pregnant and hearing other peoples experiences and views might help.

I do understand your disappointment. My Dp was not that interested in my pg and with hindsight I realise he would have been better had he not had the main birth partner role.

There are some books for fathers that might help like this one for instance.

Let him be there on his terms and he will probably be there for you in a much better way than you imagine

No, I have never resented his decision. TBH, I was far too busy during labour to think about it anyway, but the difference between DH and doula was very clear: he can rub my back for about a minute before being bored. She rubbed it for 4 hours solidly.

Having to worry about him OTOH would have affected me. I needed to just withdraw into myself and concentrate on labouring and not think about anything else.

Doula worked through everything with us beforehand, got to know us, and was a fab advocate so that I didn't have to talk to the midwives at all as she knew exactly what I wanted, and wasn't afraid to say it

OP - I'd just accept the situation and rely on your doula and midwife as your support at the birth. You dont want anyone there who is not 100% behind you or who is bringing their own issues with childbirth to the party - which will cause tension and may adversely impact on your birth experience. Your DH may end up kicking himself in years to come at not having been there - but its his choice and as long as you're surrounded by people you know and trust, you really wont miss him. My DH was at both my son's births - he was wonderful at DS1's traumatic birth (I was induced, terrified, had awful midwife from hell - he was the only person I trusted in the room) but I barely even noticed him at DS2's wonderful birth last month as I was totally in the zone and fully supported, he was just watching his second son enter the world...

thisisyesterday: That makes complete sense and I will try that approach.

Klaw: That book looks ideal I will order ASAP, thank you.

CMOT thank you for sharing it has really helped me realize this isn't a completely unusual situation.

So it seems like the best solution will be to find an excellent Doula. And expect nothing of DH and if he is able to be there it is a bonus.
I cant force him and don't want stress him and possibly create a situation that damaged not only our relationship but his ability to enjoy and bond with our baby.

OP- No I dont feel resentful at all, it was best for both of us and I respect his decision. He did a lot of stuff behind the scenes though. He helped cleaning up (not much as were water births). Carry MW's equipment and is a very good tea boy! Also he got me a gin and tonic (and a packet of cigarettes very much against his ethics)within an hour of me giving birth. Strangely enough those were 2 very strong cravings I had when pregnant with DD. G/T was lovely but cigarettes were such a disspointment!

Please dont let him watch a birth video, they are horrible. In our NCT group (11 ladies)2 planned a HB and when they showed us the video I was in tears (not a little no full trottle) and the other person with a planned HB fainted .

We both managed to have 5 HB between us and have been fine.

MY OH isn't really interested - but he has offered to be there at the birth to support me, rather than because he's really looking forward to seeing his first child enter the world. He flatly refuses to attend antenatal classes, so I'm concerned that he won't be much use if he doesn't know what's supposed to happen and when and why.

Videos of births are IMO not representative of an actual birth! I know that sounds mad but it is just a picture and sound, there is little or none of the emotion or feeling got across. Having given birth many times I can now watch them and "get" the feeling the parents are going through but it is still a trial to watch!

I agree with others here, plan for him not to be there but let him know that you would like it if he could manage to pop in and out just to show his support but you understand if he can't. Hopefully, if you don't put any pressure on him, he will feel able to do more on the day than he expects! (Also, taking him to your classes and whathave you to support you would make sense as he may feel that he can help when they day arrives rather than feeling he has nothing to contribute - just avoid the day they show the video IMO!)

My dp nearly fainted when we did the hospital tour so there was no way I was going to have him making a scene at the birth and he also was happy to stay out of the way! Our plan was that he would be there for the labouring and then he would possibly slip out at pushing stage when I would have my mum or SIL with me but I had to have an emergency section in the end so in fact, since I was under GA, neither of us witnessed the birth!!

If i ever have any other children though, I would have the same birth plan, have him there but prob kick him out at the crucial stage. I will get flamed for it but there are certain things I don't want dp seeing, one of them is my legs akimbo with fanjita spread open surrounded by various secretions (and the others are me on the toilet and shaving my armpits/bikini line, 15 years down the line and still not happened, I am keeping the illusion alive!). Luckily for me DP would gladly rather pace the corridor than be there at the business end and honestly, I think my mind would be more focused on giving birth than whether dp had collapsed or not.

I really don't think that men should be pressured into attending births if they don't want to be there. It can be very traumatic and they don't have the hormones to wipe away some of the memories.
My DH was willing to come, but was pretty traumatized by the whole thing. I wanted to comfort him, when I should have been concentrating on myself. nearly 2 years later he still gets very upset about it.

OK I wont make him watch a video. I have seen many (I wanted to be a midwife AT ONE STAGE) and they dont scare me at all, a lot a very moving.

Jojo that a good point DH and I are still very private regarding bodily functions, we always close the bathroom door. DH wont even brush his teeth in front of me!
So maybe I wouldn't feel comfortable labouring in front of him.

Minx that so sad and the exact reason why I wont force him.

Sleepyeyes, I do agree they can be, but, I think you need to be a certian type of person or have a certain mindset to feel that side of it, otherwise they can just appear to be about pain and suffering, especially to someone who does not manage to connect that process with the start of a new life IYSWIM.

DH wasn't there, I had my mum.

He now wishes he had been there. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to force him though, and tbh I was probably better off with my mum.

If we have another we'll see what he wants to do, no pressure either way.

I have two children - third on the way. My husband didn't want to be present when I gave birth and I totally respected that. I wanted a home birth with both my babies with hubby being around but not necessarily 'involved'. Unfortunately with my first I had to be transferred to hospital and he felt obliged to be there. Had difficult time and I am certain that DH was left pretty traumatised as a result. My DS was born at home - fantastic experience! - and hubby came in when it was all over! I do not feel in the least bit resentful he wasn't there and, in fact, prefered being alone. In many ways I think it's much easier giving birth than watching, especially if it's someone you really care about. I intend to have DC 3 at home...without husband!!!

I have two children (elective sections) and my husband was at the hospital but not in the room for the birth. The first time, he waited in the area outside the operating theatre, the second time he stayed in my room while they took me away. Both times he was well prepared with the Telegraph crossword and a coffee.

I wasn't bothered about him being there, he was interested in being there, so neither of us was upset about the situation.

It hasn't stopped him from being involved with either child nor has it prevented him from "bonding".

I honestly didn't think it would be that common a situation. Interesting that many of us have chosen to have HB, maybe so we don't feel so abandoned?

I actually feel quite calm and positive about it all now, so thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences.

But still slightly worried about something going wrong and needing him there emotionally.
Did anyone have a plan/deal what would happen if baby or yourself became ill or had complications during the labor?

I just (last week) had a HB without DH there - he was looking after our DS, and was out at toddler group. I was totally happy for him not to be there, and was more relaxed with just the midwives supporting me than I had been at DS's birth, where I was frankly worried about DH's reaction to the pain, the mess etc etc. He had said he was happy to be there, but having seen birth once was not desperate to see it again!

My mum, on the other hand, still resents the fact that my dad missed being with her at my birth - the midwives sent him away telling him it would be 'hours yet', and he went. He missed the whole thing. Mum is still mad, 38 years later...

So IMHO, it is a very, very personal thing. It's either OK with you, or it's not.

IN case of emergency, we did have major back up plans, lots of people to call to babysit DS and allow DH to drop everything to support me, eg if EMCS, blood transfusion etc needed.

Choosing a HB was a big part of the plan - far easier for me to feel relaxed and happy at home than 'abandoned' in a hospital...

I wasn't bothered about him being there, he was interested in being there, so neither of us was upset about the situation.

Uninterested, not interested.

If situation had started to divert from natural vaginal delivery DH was to be sent for, but my mum had instructions to make decisions in his absence.

Oddly, until I had a scan at 34 weeks I was suspected of placenta pravia, and would have had a C section. DH was perfectly happy to attend an elective C section.

geogie I think DH would be OK with a CS, possibly because the situation seems more controlled.

Starlight the doula I'm sure can hold the torch or one of the 2 midwives attending.

So I need to make it clear that I respect his decision to not be present at the birth but in an emergency situation he needs to be there to help support me and possibly make decisions on my behalf.

Haven't read all sorry.

Dh said he'd honestly just like BIRTH only and not labour.

Hmm, wouldn't we all darling?!