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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Anyone's husband not been/reluctant to be at birth?

47 replies

sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 19:16

DH and I are TCC, I had a miscarage early feb and having trouble conceiving so may be going down the IVF route.
In the past DH has mentioned before that he finds the idea of childbirth horrifying.
He has just brought it up again and been very frank the idea of even watching a birth video terrifies him and that he doesn't think he can be there at the moment of birth and possibly not support me during the labor.
I have always wanted a home birth (assuming that I have a normal healthy pregnancy and baby) which DH is very supportive of so he will still be around just not 'there'. In order to ensure that I am completely comfortable and supported we will use an independent midwife and a doula that way I will see and build a relationship with the people who are there.

Has anyone's husband chose not to be there? How did it make you feel afterwards? Should I demand or accept the situation?

I just feel so sad that he will probably not see the birth of his child, such a special moment and he will choose not to be there.

I know I'm not pregnant right now but I feel I need to deal and accept this now rather that feel let down while pregnant and hearing other peoples experiences and views might help.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 17/03/2009 19:24

dp was at both of my deliveries, but I think he'd have been just as happy not to be!

if you're feeling sad about it though, then talk to him some more.
he doesn't have to be down the "action" end. my dp did NOT want to see or have anything to do with that at all. he stayed just holding my hand, passing me water and talking to me.

what is it specifically that your dh is worried about? perhaps talking with an IM or doula might help him realise that it isn't that bad after all

kazbeth · 17/03/2009 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinoEsmeralda · 17/03/2009 19:27

I had two homebirths and my DH was around (in the house) but not present IYSWIM. He was only there when DS's head crowned and the MW said 'have a look' and he didnt want to (sort of glad he didnt) but he did cut the cord with DS.

With DD he was mostly outside and coming up the stairs as she shot out and missed it altogether

We both preferred it that way, for me, giving birth is something I had to do on my own and didnt want him mopping around feeling sorry for me. Also both times I preferred to be on my own (MW in other room).

You might think from reading this we are not an affectionate/caring couple but we are .

Your DH might change his mind? My Dh tried with the first contractions to help but he was very uncomfortable and I preferred being on my own which neither of us anticipated.

Hope this helps. BTW DH wasnt comfortable either of me having homebirths.

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 19:33

He isn't a squeamish person he just feels that the experience will traumatic him. He likes to be in control and this is one situation he will have any control over.
He wont speak about it at all, just informed he that I will have to prepare myself for him being unable to support/be there.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 17/03/2009 19:38

i think it's very unfair of him not to talk to you about it.
this is a huge thing for you, and he is being pretty childish by just refusing to even consider dealing with it and telling you you'll just have to cope withoiut him

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 19:39

VINO thank you that is exactly what I need to here. The reason why I wouldn't consider my mum or sister is because I am the type of person who cant bare fuss so maybe that will extend DH.

Did you ever feel resentful?

If I was to try and force him to be present I fear I might cause him serious emtional damage, he has the right to protect himself.

Luckly he is very supportive of a HB but say I need to go into hospital, in that situation I think I will feel very abandoned.

OP posts:
keels26 · 17/03/2009 19:39

My DP would probably have delivered our children if I had let him! He was very disappointed on missing out on my caesarean but it was a emergency so he had to wait outside. He loves all the science stuff.
My sisters husband was in the room for her 2nd dc but for her 1st he hid behind a curtain and buried his head in his hands because he didnt like the noises!
I think some men do find the thought of it worrying but the actual experience is usually better. Its a very emotional time for both of you, would you be upset if he couldnt be there?

thisisyesterday · 17/03/2009 19:43

yes, he does have the right to protect himself, and I do agree that making him be there may be counter-productive.

but bearing in mind he (i presume) has never attended a birth, and wonb't even watch a video of one then I think it's pretty off to say that it'll traumatise him so sorry love, you're on your own.

he needs to grow up, talk to you PROPERLY, and take your feelings into account as well as his own.

bluebump · 17/03/2009 19:44

My DP really would have been happy not to have been present when DS was born. We happened to catch the end of one of these programmes on sky that featured a c section and he went really pale and said "I won't be there if that happens." When I ended up being told I had to have an emergency c section my first thought was that DP wouldn't come in but he did and he loved it, he was telling people about it for ages afterwards

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 19:45

thisisyesterday DH has Autistic traites and finds it very hard to talk about his feelings, on the whole I accept this as part of him but sometimes it makes life soooo hard.
I agree he doesn't get what HUGE deal childbirth is, he seems to think the day after birth everyone just moves on and it is over, he has no idea how it can affect someones life.

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 17/03/2009 19:52

sleepyeyes - it would be good if your DH could be there. You may need a strong advocate on your behalf if midwives and doctors are not doing what you want them to do.

Perhaps if you explained to him how strong you need him to be for you if you need help. This will take his mind off the gory bits which is what most blokes really worry about. Give him a specific role to perform and he may feel happier.

That said, my boss from many years ago - a bit of a sexist 'jack the lad' type - was so utterly terrified at the prospect of his wife giving birth that he sat in his ofice 3 days before literally shaking and as white as a sheet. She had forced him to attend.

Probably not a good idea to force someone to go who is really is that against the idea.

In my case, I just found the process very boring but did need to kick a few doctors and midwives into action when shift changes happened and no one was watching what was happening. I also got annoyed by a midwife who refused an epidural and had to more or less threaten her to get it sorted out.

That said the experience afterwards of holding DS1 and DS2 were absolutely fabulous experiences. Would not have missed either of the births for the world.

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 19:53

Would I be out of order to demand he watched a birth video so he can make an informed choice?
I actually think he would be OK with a CS,due to my fears about having a baby in hospital I have considered having an ECS. Maybe I should consider an ECS so he can be there?

OP posts:
pointydog · 17/03/2009 19:53

I think that's absolutely fair enough. He will be there immediately after the child is born, no?

He's not going to be much use. You need the wimmin. I don't think there's anything wrong with a dad preferring not to be there.

CMOTdibbler · 17/03/2009 19:59

My DH didn't want to be there, and there was no way that I would have coerced him into it.

I employed a Doula, and in the end he chose to come and go from the delivery room, and was there when DS was born - well out of the way and didn't want to cut the cord (I did).

In the bit when I was waiting for the doula to arrive (prem labour, so she wasn't on call and I'd been admitted for PPROM) and DH was with me, he didn't cope well

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 20:01

ABetaDad I completely agree I need someone to be there for me and who will speak up, another reason I don't want my mum or sister there as they are very timid. Good Idea about giving him something to do, maybe take photos as he takes fantastic photos and will document the birth.

You sound exactly like the ideal birth partner, I need him to be there to say hey back off or this isn't how we discussed dealing with this.

OP posts:
Klaw · 17/03/2009 20:04

Sleepeyes, respect your dh's feelings. You have gone for HB with an IM and Doula so I think you have done the wisest and best thing. This allows him the chance to be available on his terms and he might even be there more than he anticipates.

Michel Odent advocates fathers be the guardians of the birth space but not the birth partner.

Actually your scenario sounds totally perfect to me

Tortington · 17/03/2009 20:06

i find the idea of childbirth horrifying - why should my dh get a free pass to a situation be BOTH created.

shithouse

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 20:07

CMOT during the labour did you ever feel resentful towards your DH? I'm worried I will suddenly feel very angry during labour and affect the labour itself.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 17/03/2009 20:09

sleepy - he may surprise you

my DH was adamant - no cord cutting, no standing at the "business" end - in the end he cut the cord, and watched DS being pushed out

he was blown away by it - he was worried about the blood and gore aspect but actually there was very little

the reality can be very different to the imaginings

most of my labour was me pacing and making weird noises

pointydog · 17/03/2009 20:09

we are talking about your dh, not Any Strong Man. Would your dh be able to tell people to 'back off'?

Isn't that what your experienced doula will be doing?

Klaw · 17/03/2009 20:10

By sleepyeyes on Tue 17-Mar-09 19:53:12
Maybe I should consider an ECS so he can be there?

OMG no! Not unless there's a medical necessity. As the primary CS impacts on all future births exponentially.

As I said your scenario sounds ideal. I was at a HB on Sunday where dad (although happy to be there) flitted in and out, brought tea and water, looked after elder children, topped up the pool, updated Facebook and was generally very comfortable and happy in his own home. He even nipped out to the supermarket after the baby was born while mum and i reminisced over the days events

In the end he caught the baby as we didn't call mw in time.

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 20:15

LOL Custardo. Maybe I'm just jealous I don't get to bugger off and let someone do all the work!

Klaw I think I may read that book, it sounds very interesting.
Your right an IM, doula HB in water sounds like a great atmosphere to give birth and it has always been my dream, I am very fortunate that DH is happy to support and pay for it.

I will not be forcing him that would be cruel but still it doesn't stop me feeling disappointed.

OP posts:
traceybath · 17/03/2009 20:22

Please don't make him watch a birth video - i couldn't watch one of those!

I've had 2 c-sections. First emergency after very long labour and failure to progress which DH was at.

Second time it was elective but after premature labour so DH wasn't there as was looking after DS1.

Currently pregnant with DC3 and will have another c-section at which DH will not be present.

I know c-sections are different but i'm a person who doesn't like a fuss or people around when i'm ill so it works well for us.

As others have said Michael Odent has interesting views on this subject.

If your DH doesn't want to be there but is forced to he may actually hinder your labour progressing. I'd have thought the Ind Midwife and Doula would be far better.

Original poster
sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 20:23

Klaw PMSL at someone updating facebook!

pointy yes he would, his autism means he really doesn't care about being rude. I meant back off as in no intervention and being allowed to wander. Plus PIL and BIL all live on same street so he may well have to start body building to remove MIL and practise his back off in scary tone.

Unless I need for medical reasons to have a hospital birth then I wont have an ESC especially as a nanny I have seen the pain mothers can be in afterwards.
I just can believe he would want to miss the moment of birth.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 17/03/2009 20:26

maybe talk to him about the things you think he might LIKE doing at the birth?

as you say, you might need him to stand up for you, you want someone to take pictures, you don't want him to miss that moment of baby being born, you want him right there for a first cuddle etc etc
anything you can think of that he might actually be interested in doing.

it doesn't have to be an intense "let's have a talk" kind of thing. just a "hey, I was thinking, I Know you said you'd rather not be there, but i'd really love if you were so that you could take pictures"
or whatever.