baby went to special care - physical contact only when breast feeding

[emwi]

Grace was born 3.5 weeks before due date by cesaerean section. Following the CS she was wrapped up and I didn't get to hold her properly as I was all tangled up in covers and drips and things. I breast fed her later but then her temperature dropped and she was taken to the special care unit and put in an incubator. Because of the CS I wasn't able to visit her. She was brought to me to bf but then got jaundice which made her very sleepy and so she was tube fed - I expressed milk but she was topped up with formula. Anyway I eventually got her back four days after she was born. She has always been a very "good" baby - sleeping through the night at 4 months, putting on lots of weight and being really happy and smiley. I still worry that the first few days might have had an impact on her - is she really good because no-one picked her up when she cried? (I don't know if this happened of course) It didn't worry me too much at the time but now I keep wondering. Has anyone got any thoughts on this?

I started this thread when dd was about 5mo. I think the reason that I suddenly got so concerned about it then was because my relationship with my daughter had changed and I felt that in the days after her birth I wasn't worried enough that she was in the scbu.

I was actually quite relieved that I didn't have to look after her myself for the first few days after a caesarian. 5 months on and that seemed such a hard-hearted approach. I blamed myself terribly for not being by her bedside every minute I could and got the idea into my head that I'd spent very little time with her. I talked to my health visitor who said a lot of parents in this situation feel like this.

One thing that helped was that I had kept some notes about my daughter's first 10 or so days and re-reading them made me realise that we had lots of time together, that breastfeeding had gone really well, that she used to do these really cute little fat smiles after a feed - it definately wasn't just wind! - and I did love her right from the start.

Because I was feeling guilty at not bonding as much as we had at 5 months, and because I was angry with the hospital and blamed them for her temperature dropping in the first place, I had blocked out all the nice things that had happened in those first few days.

Talking to the HV helped as did accepting that what happened happened and focusing on my relationship with my daughter now. The HV said I was grieving for the not quite perfect start my daughter and I had which to some extent is true although grieving is rather a dramatic word. The stages I've been through are similar to the grieving process.

The main thing I'd recommend is keeping a diary, especially of the way you feel about your child because usually you're so shell-shocked that you can't remember very much about it otherwise.

I promised to contibute so here goes.. pardon in advance if this is long.

I suppose I was forwarned that my baby would be in special care, simply because I was sent to hospital at 27 weeks with pre-eclampsia. We hung on for 4 days, until both of us were being 'compromised' and then I had a section. However I had been able to visit the day before, so at least I knew what the room would look like. I know that sounds strange, but in intensive care there are just so many machines and your little one is wired to all sorts.

Like emwi I kind of blanked out things and was very casual/hard. It was my defense mechanisim I think. I couldn't sit for hours watching the cot, I used to go in, read all the charts, and ask copius questions. I guess I was detatched from it all in the beginning, I just felt so guilty. My body had let me and my baby down, and I blamed myself. In those early days someone found some information for me about the process that you go through - not the practical stuff, more about the emotional side, and I still remember it now.

Having a prem baby is like a sudden death.
To start with there is shock.
Then denial.
Thirdly anger,
Fourthly greiving (for the perfect pregnancy, or what should have been)
Fifth accecptance.

Each one of these phases can last just hours, days or even months, I guess 4 yrs later I am at the 5th stage.

Looking back the shock lasted a lot longer than I realized. Certianly the first few weeks, denial was mixed in here. I kept saying 'but I never get ill' and 'these things just don't happen to me'! Anger definately reared its head when she didn't seem to be progressing as quickly as I thought she should, or when my dh wasn't allowed to hold her one night. I was so angry at teh staff, when we left the first hospital at 7 weeks, to go to one nearer home I was in that stage. Nothing anyone did was right for my baby!

Grief took a long time coming and a long time to go. I don't think I really let go of it until my 2nd baby was born 2 yrs later. I felt such guilt mixed in, it was my fault in some way. Acceptance is finally here, I think that came 3 years after she was born, and I realised she was fine, I hadn't hurt her - or rather her prematurity hadn't.

Long term however I do notice a difference, I am not proud to admit I am closer to my 2nd baby. I love the first dearly, but dd2 is my heart. I know it was those early weeks that have made all the difference, she was my baby from the start. DD1 didn't become my baby til she was 14 weeks old, and even then the routine she was in wasn't mine, it was the hospitals. I never had to muddle my way through those early days.

Just thinking about it now, one of THE most upsetingthings was coming in one day, she was about 10 or 11 days old, and she was dressed. Up until then she had been naked save a nappy, but I didn't choose her first clothes, or dress her first. Even now that brings tears to my eyes, as it was a special moment that was denied me. I certainly wouldn't have chosen a stupid outfit which was pink with black and white dogs on it!! I did buy her a couple of outfits form a special prem baby clothes comapny, so at least she had her things, not just borrowed stuff!!

Sorry to go on here, this is not really practical help as in get someone to cook loads of stuff etc, but in some ways reading that information about the grieving process helped me more than anything else could. It recognised my feelings, and boy did I grieve for the 'perfect baby/pregnancy'. It made me realise that I was normal, and that there are many ways that we cope.

A year ago I saw my SIL go threw a similar thing, she got to 31 weeks (in hospital for 3) She went the opposite way and couldn't leave the bedside, but I still saw her go through the same process, just it affected her differently and her coping mechanisim was so different to mine. Outwardly she is far more emotional than me, I can seem very cool (I am commenly known a the most chilled out person!), so I guess we ran true to type, with her sobbing over the cot and me off at the cinema, watching c**P movies and eating out because I just couldn't cope with being nearby.

I hope this is useful, I shan't preview as it is just my feelings spilled and as they came.