Is it normal to struggle to come to terms with a caesarean section?

[MamaG]

Or am I a complete wuss?

I'm more or less ok with it, remind myself that if I hadn't had it, DS2 might not have made it etc but I still feel sad about it.

It's been wonderful to read this thread: so many people reflecting how I felt. I was half-expecting a CS, so it shouldn't have come as a shock, but it did. I felt weepy and shocked for months and months.

Three years on, I'm fine. I do think it really knocked me back and made the postnatal period that much harder, but I don't find it actively upsetting anymore.

You're not a wuss, MamaG. Hope you feel better soon.

Well I bloody hope so because 16mo on I'm still struggling.

With me, the thing that just won't go away is the fear that surrounded the whole process. I had wanted my ds to experience his transition to the real world gently and warmly. Instead I feel he was yanked out into an operating theatre after a failed induction when he just wasn't ready. I felt as if I'd failed him.

Still do.

I'm having hypnotherapy to help me get over my recent mc and I have a feeling that ds's birth might come up.

I'm truly amazed at the number of people who felt or feel like I did. It does help to know you're not the only one, well it helps me. I hope this thread is helping you MamaG.

There is a very good website that offers support on these issues....if you google Birthtrauma it should come up.

sam, I felt very low around ys first birthday too....it brought it all back...so, I tried to push it out of my mind....I actually booked the removal people for his first Birthday....
we did have cake and presents though...
but it made it more bearable.
It sounds a bit harsh and horrible, I suppose, but we never did much for first birthdays anyway...we just generally didn't move house, iykwim.

I feel quite guilty about DD1s first birthday. DD2 had a party and I really understood why people celebrate them. Poor DD1 has no nice party photos to look back on.

MamaG, I had a em c-s under GA for my DD1, and it took me a very long time to get over it.Oh yes, the pressing in your throat and the beeping.

My DH just didn't get it - as far as he was concerned, it was necessary for me and the baby so that was it. Unfortunately, he made it even worse for me in that I came round from the GA and he asked me if I wanted to see my beautiful daughter, and I said no, I was too tired, take her away and I'll see her tomorrow. I didn't know I had said this till he told me, and I am still devastated that these are the first words my daughter heard me say to her - I wish he had never told me (though I have never told him how bad it makes me feel).

I found going through my notes an essential part of my recovery. And also, for me (though I know this is different for you, as this is your third child), having my second and third daughters as VBAC has helped me greatly.

You are not a wuss, and nor are the rest of us. I tried to get on with things after I got home, but I was so distressed. Eventually, one of my sisters asked if i was OK about the birth and sent me some articles she had found on PTSD after traumatic borth. It was as if someone had given me permission to grieve, then I did the notes review and knew what I was grieving for, but also that it was a necessary loss. Sorry, I'm rambling (and should really be ironing school uniform ) but just wanted to add my voice to the support for you.

Just come to this thread. I had a shocking time after my first child was born by c-section (after a long failed induction).
I struggled massively with coming to terms with it. For me, it was having major abdominal surgery that was the crux of it. I felt like my body wasn't my own and I had somehow been violated. I hated looking at my scar /stomach area for about a year afterwards. I also had a very bad experience in hospital afterwards and then struggled with bf-ing and the sleep deprivation, which all added up to horrific PND .

I wish i had had the support of a thread like this at that time. i thought I was the only one who had been hit so hard by it. I had a friend who had a section a month before me and coped so well with it - she just bounced back within weeks, whereas a year later I still felt physically and mentally weak.

My ghosts have been exorcised by a lovely elective section with my 2nd child (VBAC wasnt possible in the end for me). I still remember exactly how I felt that first time, though.

I think this is a really valuable thread and only wish I had had the nouse to post it after ds's birth.

Yes, the thread is helping me hugely. I'm going to see the HV tomorrow to ask about going through my notes, firstly.

The daft thing is, I TOLD the MW I needed a CS whilst I was in labour! I knew something was wrong and insisted to her that something wasn't right at all. Then insisted the same thing to the doctor. I clearly remember snapping "...and I'm not saying this because I'm in bloody transition"

DS was back to back, 10lbs 9oz at birth (I'm 5' 3") had the cord wrapped around his neck four times and then tied in a knot. No matter what had happened, I could not have delivered him safely.

DH always tells me "but you saved his life by insisting something wasn't right" which does help to a degree.

I'm pleased to see all the posts saying its OK to grieve for the birth you didn't have, even whilst thanking my lucky stars that i DID have the cs as things would have been very different if I hadn't (women, eh?!)

(and Klaw, yes def see you in April!)

I went through my notes. It took me a year to get my PTSD and PND diagnosed although I knew from the first few days that something wasn't right. And my husband knew also, as did my in laws, but everyone felt they couldn't say anything for fear of upsetting me. Plus I was so frightened (in my irrational morass of PND) that someone would take my babies away from me if I admitted how wretched I felt so I made sure I portrayed a happy-all-is-wonderful facade. God it was wretched and I WISH I'd sorted it sooner as it really didn't take that long for me to come out of the other side once I got treatment.

I went through my notes with my hospital's Birth Afterthoughts Service (accessed through their PALS - patient liaison) and also went to see my GP and told them how I felt. They referred me for CBT, which was series of appointments with a psychologist to talk through my feelings, etc. NOne of it was easy to organise as when you've got PND the last thing you have the energy for is a fight to sort out something else, but I perservered. I also saw a homeopath as I was keen to avoid antidepressants at this stage (think they're fab at the right time but they didn't feel right for me at that stage for a variety of reasons - it's all personal though and they can be hugely beneficial). All of these were small steps but one day I realised that I had no PND - it was as if a curtain had lifted and, to quote someone who gave me advice around that time, 'I was back in the room'.

Now I still remember. I always will. And I'll never be able to say that my babies' birthday was the best day of my life because, honestly, it wasn't; it was actually one of the worse. But the awfulness of that day BROUGHT me the best things in my life, so the trauma was worth it. And that's a kind of peace for me. None of it was my fault - I did the best I could that day and I was just unlucky. And if I acknowledge the trauma and allow myself to grieve for what happened to me that day and for what I lost, I can live with it.

I'm amazed at how many of us on here have gone through pretty much the same thing. I had no idea that people had gone through what I'd gone through and I wish I'd known it at the time. In the early days, part of the trauma was the overwhelming feeling that I was the only person who'd gone through this; that no one else could comprehend why I was so traumatised by it. So in that vein, although I'm sad that you've experienced it, it's good to know that there are others out there who 'get it'. And for those of you for whom it is still fresh, trust me when I say you do get peace in the end. You can never undo that day or get a better day, but you can find a kind of peace with it.

Kx

PS. Totally get the first birthday thing too. I spent the twins first birthday and the run up to it in a state of strange, suspended panic. As if I was waiting for the huge bleed that started it all; as if I was going to have to go through that day all over again. And their actual birthday was fine but peppered with strange flashbacks ('this time last year I was lying on a bed pouring blood'). Awful - like making yourself look at a crashed car on the side of the road, even though you know you don't want to see it.

But their second birthday was much better and I would imagine their third will be better still. Time does heal.

MamaG...going through your notes will probably help you and like I said, just talking about it!
A short while after I had ys we moved from NI back to the UK, and I had the most wonderful HV there....she helped me by just listening and understanding and not judging me.
I was going to get my notes, because different proffessionals told me different things, which totally did NOT help at all, because it made me very distrustful and of course confused the issue of what actually did happen....I never did get the notes though....and tehre are still a few doubts within me about it all...BUT I have, I suppose come to a point where I don't realy want to take a to close a look now (ds is almost 4 1/2now).... but every now and then those niggles do ping up and I do wonder.
YOu see, my m/w who was at home with me and did all my aftercare was not told anything of bandl's ring, it was on my notes at home though. But then the consultant I saw to comlain about my treatment said if it was in my notes it had happened...but surely the m/w would have been told, especially as she was with me throughout my labour....
she was also completely surprised that I had a C-section, etc...oh I don't know....it was little things that didn't quite add up....and well, that Egyptian Consultant that "cared" for me (and it's a term I would use only very loosely in this case) was just so incredible rude and horrid....but apparently he was o.k. being like that, considering it was in the morning after a long night (I mean wtf...I had laboured all night wiht a back to back Baby....wasn't a funride neither, ya know)......For teh Consutlant to excuse his behaviour like that, well, really did bother me....
oh well...

however MamG, in your case there wouldn't have been any other way, that is for sure....but, yeah, still o.k. to grieve for the way the birth went...

i was very lucky in that soon after my first c section i met a friend who had two children by c section - she made me realise that this is not unusual. Babies come out in all sorts of ways and they teach us to expect the unexpected!

even the most 'normal' birth is rarely easy so we mourn something unrealistic, something picture perfect that rarely happens

mix that with hormones, tiredness - wham! hope you feel much better soon - i did x

i was talking to my best mate about ds2's birth at the weekend (he was a crash section under GA) it was over 2 years ago but we still end up crying when we talk about it!!!

now though it's not constantly on my mind so therefore easier to deal with - whereas just after he was born and for the first few months it was all i could think about and talk about!!!

the list you made about how you feel is exactly what i felt and still feel now (to a lesser degree)... don't tell dp , but i hate the photo's of him having skin to skin with ds2, i'm very jealous of those moments he had, whilst i was passed out high as a kite on drugs!!!

God, thank you for this thread - I had an emergency c-section in September and I have not yet come to terms with it.

I had strep b and was given a sweep at 39 weeks to see if anything was happening. Well it wasn't but the sweep broke my waters early and so i had to be induced then and there. (My head had been full of natal hypnotherapy and water birthing up till then)
Didn't work and ended up with c-section as DDs heart rate kept going up every time the drip was turned up (have since found out I could have kept going without drip being turned up and see if things got going better, so i feel a failure for giving in so easily).

I had an epidural, so did get to see DD as soon as she came out but could not hold her and really did not bond with her for weeks (people would pass her back to me saying 'here, go back to mummy' and I would think 'who, me?!')

We had terrible trouble bf and my milk never came in and after a week in hospital the horrible docs said we couldn't go home unless she was feeding so with a heavy heart I fed her formula .
She had also been taken off to neo natal a few hours after she was born so we got very little skin to skin and they shoved donated bm in her as soon as they could when she could not latch on, so she got her first feed from a syringe.

I feel a failure twice over - never giving birth properly (never got past 2 cm ) so I have no idea what it feels like to push your child out and then couldn't feed her myself.

Reading others tales here made me feel a bit better but I still feel awful - determined to get weaning right though!

'Tis a weird thing. I had 6 months to come to terms with the idea of a planned C-section, and generally it was a very positive experience which I would do again happily, but I have noticed that I always feel a bit odd using the phrase "giving birth", as I don't feel that this was what happened - instead I think of it as the time that DD "was born".

Is it me or do the midwives sort of hate you for having a C section? As if you've failed them too? I think the section seriously interfeared with the bonding process. The day after i had my DTS i was stuggling to feed one baby for an hour. Then the lactation consultant said 'ok now lets try the other baby'. I said ....'The other baby?'

neverknowing...hmm...well, in my case I certainly didn't notice that in my m/w's...
But yes, bonding can be impacted by having a section.
It was certainly true for me and ys....I know from photos that he looked very much as his brothers did as a Baby, but I remember distinctively feeling like the Baby next to me couldn't possibly be mine and I didn't recognize him, iykwim....silly really...

I had a emergency section with DD1 after failed induction and she was very ill afterwards. She was taken away, I didn't see her until 4 hours later when my condition had stabilised. She had already been given a bottle (I wanted to BF) and had a canula fitted. For a few years I found it difficult to watch a natural birth on TV without crying. I kind of grieved for the whole situation and there is still a low lying anger which means that if someone asks I will tell them at length what happened.

What struck me was that even though I had had major emergency surgery, an ill baby, hadn't slept for more than a few hours for three days and had only managed to eat a slice of toast in that time, I was still left to care for her overnight. A first time mother. That pisses me off. I'm sure I would have had more help and sympathy if I'd had my appendix out.

The next morning, when they realised how ill she was, they put her in special care and I then walked up three flights of stairs every three hours to breastfeed her, day and night. Finally an intensive care nurse took pity on me and found me a mother and baby room in the unit and from then on we both recovered very well. After two weeks we went home.

That was 4.5 years ago and it is still very upsetting. I still get irrationally angry if I sense I'm being judged for having a section.

I wish they would do more to prepare you for what can go wrong but it seems to be a taboo subject in most antenatal classes.

Anyway MamaG thankyou for starting this thread, it is very cathartic. Am having third section in June!

Hi MamaG,
After DS's emergency CS I couldn't stop talking at length about it, feeling I hadn't really given birth, and feeling it was my fault. And then feeling guilty for feeling so bad, thinking I was over-reacting. It's natural after such a sudden, traumatic event.

A few months afterwards I got talking to a girl in a babychanging place and she said "and wasn't the most painful part when you pushed the baby out?". I didn't know what to say and just stared at her gormlessly with memories of beeps and bright lights and staring over at the cot while other people held him, lifted him to me and then took him away.

And I think it's traumatic because antenatal classes don't prepare us for a CS. My NCT classes talked about it as if it was a choice rather than necessity, the downside of it apparently being all the people in the room with you. As if you care about that when you think the baby might die?!

I later found work on my delivery floor and got pregnant again and found my notes.read my notes almost 2 years later. They really helped me to put it behind me. The midwife's notes said "coping very well" and "pushing well, making a big effort" and they helped me realise it that I DIDN'T fail, and that I couldn't have tried harder to avoid it.

I've since had a VB which was traumatic for other reasons, but it made me realise that yes, I could do it, but it's having the baby alive and well that counts the most.

11 weeks is still early days, but it will get better.x.

When i am having a laugh and joke with hubby i usually say oi have some respect i gave birth to ur kids then realise i have to re word, i gave birth to ous 1st boy, but our 2nd boy was an ecs so what do i say to that as i didnt give birth that kinda makes me feel empty, as it was 2 yrs ago and still have nightmares

I had a crash section 9 months ago (first baby) after very normal pregnancy. Was so early in induction process that DH had gone home - he arrived in time to receive baby but not to see me before I went in. Hate that I didn't see DS til over an hour old but it did help DH with bonding. First few hours were a blur as I was out of it.

Took two weeks to establish bf but was very determined after "failing" the birth part so cup fed for 10 days then ebm in bottle and eventually he worked it out (after having tongue tie cut at a week old, and then using nipple shields from 2 weeks to 4 months when he started pulling them off!).

9 months on it feels less important as DS is healthy and beautiful but interested reading the memories around 1st birthdays - will watch out for that! Was lucky, no PND, and 3 out of 7 in NCT group had sections so plenty of support and chats.

Would love VBAC next time but don't want to end up with another crash section - it's so hard. Recovery from cs was horrible - had been so fit during pregnancy and hated it. Not expecting yet but thinking about it!
Sorry for long post but very cathartic!

So nice to come across lots of other people who feel the way I do! I had emcs under GA with dd 6 years ago and hated it, felt like I hadn't given birth and therefore had no right to call myself her mother. Now, having had a VB since and with the passage of time I've realised that what makes you a mother isn't pushing the baby out but, as someone else said, the day to day stuff of parenting and loving your child.

There will always be a part of me that is sad to have missed her arrival but the emotional pain has healed with time, I hope it is the same for you MamaG. Supportive people to talk to really helps - my family were appalling, they did a lot of damage especially at first with their 'you're OK, baby's OK, aren't c-sections marvellous'. I wanted to scream 'I'm NOT OK, I've just been slashed open and missed my baby's birth'. They'll never understand, but at least the people on this thread do! Thanks ladies.