Is it normal to struggle to come to terms with a caesarean section?

[MamaG]

Or am I a complete wuss?

I'm more or less ok with it, remind myself that if I hadn't had it, DS2 might not have made it etc but I still feel sad about it.

I feel very 'cheated' of a normal birth and recovery. I can never bring myself to say i gave birth, i basically had an operation to get her out. I think i feel this way, as i was induced over 2 days, loads of intervention, drugs etc, ended in emcs. If id have just stood my ground and refused induction i may have been able to pick my baby up before she was 3 weeks old, breastfed more easily, bathe her etc. The feeling has lessened, but i still feel jealous when i hear someone has given birth naturally, and can walk round normally and take care of their baby. Its normal to feel sad, and maybe think of ways that it could have been avoided etc, hope you feel better soon.

I personally think that ante-natal education do a wonderful job in perpetuating the dogma that a CS should leave you feeling "cheated".

I had x 3 within x 2 years...and (i'm in no way saying that it's wrong to feel how you feel by the way)I've never felt guilty about it....My first was an emergency.My second was going to be elective but ended up being an emergency anyway and my third was elective.I did,however,suffer with pnd...so maybe inadvertently it did have an effect on me although I never felt it!!

Yes I struggled to come to terms with my CS.

I completely blamed myself for it - I spent hours going over the labour in my head to see if I could work out what I did wrong / what I could have done differently.

My DD was OP and trying to come out forehead first. I didn't understand (I still don't) why she had got into a funny position as I had stayed upright and mobile for as much as my labour as I could (as I was taught in NCT classes). But I still blamed myself for getting her into that position.

I have accepted it now (sort of) 1 1/2 years later.

Thanks for the replies. It does help to see that there are others in the same boat as you (on different decks perhaps, but still on the same boat!)

I know 100% that my em cs was the only way to get him out safely and I wouldn't do anything differently (well, apart from have an elective CS, but we didn't know about the cord etc when I was pg).

I think my main "upsets" are

1. Not seeing him until he was (?? ) minutes old (due to GA)

1. Not knowing how old he was when I first saw him (only just realised that one, when typing above!)

1. Not changing him or doing anything other than feeding him for first few days (I was v weak afterwards and had to have a transfusion)

1. Feeling like an invalid for weeks after bouncing back so quickly after my VBs

1. Having my 9 yo DD sob in the car park after seeing me in hospital as I looked so ill ( )

1. The first 24 hours being a complete blur - can't remember feeding him, holding him, talking to DH or anything. Have vague recollections of being in delivery suite (was put back in there for 24 hours after birth, with a MW working in the room at all times - why wasn't I put on the ward??!!)

Lulu you're bang on that it would help me to go through my notes. That has been in the back of my mind but now I'm stronger, I think I need to get on with it to help me come to terms.

I felt cheated really by my emcs. It still upsets me now - nearly 5 years on - that I wasn't awake when dd was born, and that I didn't get to see the look on DH's face when he saw her for the first time.

Plus I think being out of it with the drugs meant I had trouble bonding, and BF never got going. I remember laying there for ages looking at her in the crib and not believing that she was really mine.

The MW did come to see me at home afterwards and ran through the notes/birth with me which was helpful. But as I don't plan any more, I am gutted that I missed out on the "birth" bit.

I think my DH was a bit traumatised by the course of events, and never wanted to talk about it afterwards, which is a little frustrating too.

Having never had a natural birth I guess I didn't really know how things are AFTER you've given birth. I felt like an invalid too, and couldn't pick up DD or anything (used to feed her lying down). But I had nothing to compare this too so it didn't bother me. It must be harder having had natural births and knowing how quickly you recover, then to have an emergency CS and it be soo much more diffcult afterwards.

I didn't have GA, that must be horrible

But I didn't see DD as soon as she was born, she was taken into the corner of the room for several mintutes to be checked over.

I didn't even know she had been born as she didn't cry or anything and no-one told me

When DH eventually noticed DD had been born (but we couldn't see her) we really panicked as no one had told us, so we thought that meant something was wrong with her

Eventually someone brought her over wrapped up in a blanket and my DH got to hold her. But we had to ask the sex, weight etc as no one told us!!!

what you are feeling and missing and grieving for , is all normal !! all of it. missing the first few minutes of your baby's life is HARD. you don;t get it back. it is OK to feel sad , that you missed out.

ACCEPTING those feelings is part of the recovery

i remember very well the first few hours after my c.s , whihc was under epidural, then i kind of passed out and woke up in the dark ,on my own in the room, husband and family AND THE BABY had all gone.. i was in a pool of blood from my lochia and my belly was oozing, i was farking terrified.

it is grim

no two ways about it

MamaG, have not read whole thread but yes! Not normal for everyone, but for many it is. It is a very common scenario after emCS... Hence, my traing to become a doula, and Lulumama's and quite a few others. There are VBAC support boards on many forums. Many women also come to realise that their CS could have been avoided and this makes them even more angry.

oops gotta go, dd being sick

See you in April?

Absolutely normal, I did not realise until much later how much it affected me.

I hated the fact that I missed DS's birth and his first few hours.

I hated that I could not get out of bed unaided and just pick him up, as I had done with DD.

I hated being so helpless at home, it took me much longer to recover.

At the end of the day, I have come to terms with it. As Klaw said, it would have been easier to come to terms with if it had not been avoidable. As it was a direct result of the medical mismanagement of my labour, it took me longer to cope with it.

It´s taken me 2 years to feel better about my CS under GA but even now I cannot look at my scar.

I went through all the feelings of failure and it sheer hell that I hadn´t seen DS when he was born, heard his first cries etc

Worse for me was that they kept DS away from me for 2 days and when I got back home I was tormented for months about what "they"
had done to him etc. At one point I even thought that he had been swapped - it was awful

It does get better - eventually

wow this a very cathartic thread... well done Mumsnet..

I had an Elective CS with both of mine (breech and failure to progress). So cannot imagine the whole GA and not meeting them straight away thing...

There are so many anti CS and pro natural birth vibes out there that it's very hard not to let them get to you... After my first cs, I felt I wanted to try VB and then when I 'failed' again I was disappointed (midwife's comment that after 2 sections I would always be a section now was not helful despite not being relevant...)

But here I am with ds age 4 and dd age 2.5 and.... it doesn't seem so relevant any more. Time really helps on this one - it puts the birth experience into perspective.

I have 2 very active, sometimes annoying, sometimes fabulous children. How they got here is not relevant to them or to me any more....

best wishes to you - enjoy this precious time with your new one - wish i could have that all over again!!

I think its a shame that some people feel bad/a failure for having had a section. I had one with my first Ive only got one!) and although part of me was relieved I didnt have to push the baby out (I was beyond terrified of needing stitiches), I knew it was the right thing to do to make sure my baby got here safely. Her heartbeat was a bit erratic and I wasnt prepared to put her at any risk.

They took her off me the first night and I was really upset about it, and I will admit it took me a while to realise that this was my baby who I was bringing home. I still dont feel like a mum but only because things are always very slow to sink in with me!

I was up and about 12 hours after and although I was in a bit of pain I had to get through it because I was desperate to get home (and ended up having to do the washing the housework the day after!). If I ever had another one I would hope for a vaginal birth but I woulnt mind either way as long as my baby got here safely.

You are not alone. It takes time to get over a traumatic c section and it's not always about the healthy baby at the end. It's important to acknowledge the process to get that healthy baby - to not ignore what you've gone through to birth that baby. So often it gets swept under the carpet "be grateful, you've got a healthy baby" but that can be hugely upsetting as it somehow ignores/negates a trauma that you've gone through.

I had my twins by emergency c-section under GA after my epidural AND spinal block failed. So my last memories of my twins being born were someone pressing violently on my throat and the beeping of machines. And then I woke up to no pain relief (as my epidurals and spinals had failed). They gave me morphine but it makes me sick and I've honestly never known pain like it. A day spent vomiting, feeling as if my stomach would tear open, whilst all around me people who'd had their sections by epdidural chatted and laughed and cooed over their babies. And this was on top of an IVF pregnancy with placenta praevia, early labour scares, bleeding and five weeks in hospital on bed rest at the end. Not surprisingly I got a massive dose of PND/PTSD and struggled hugely with bonding. I felt a complete failure as a mother, which was so wrong as I was doing the best I could. So sad that those early months were wasted like that.

I felt massively cheated. Massively traumatised. Because stupidly, when I was holed up in hospital on bed rest going out of my mind ('sleeping' on a hospital mattress for five weeks, 'eating' hospital food for five weeks. Going slowly mad with lonliness and panic....) I held onto the thought that one day it would all be over and I would be having my babies and someone would lift the babies out of me (I knew I had to have a section because of my bleeding and praevia) and would say what they were. We hadn't found out the sex and it was going to be our 'prize' after an increasingly fraught pregnancy. Only we never got that. I was put to sleep, I haeomorrhaged and spent weeks in pain. Awful.

Time helps. You slowly come to terms with what happened to you. I now understand it wasn't my fault and that I was just unlucky. I still wish it hadn't happened to me (I could take all the other crap if I could just see my girls being born. That would have been enough) but it did and I have come to terms with that. I was just unlucky that day.

One day, if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'd love to have another baby. And although it might be unrealistic and setting myself up to fail, I'd like to see that baby being born; it doesn't seem so unrealistic and expectation or too much to ask. Perhaps luck will smile on me this time. Because that's all it is; just luck. Rightly or wrongly I think that might lay some ghosts for me.

You are not alone and you are not being sad or pathetic to feel the way that you do. It's understandable after what you went through. Yes, your baby was born healthy and well and that is wonderful but you had a shocking time and you are allowed to grieve for what you have gone through and what you have lost. It is not wrong to feel sadness for what you have gone through.

Kx

I had to have an emergency section with ds and it took me a long time to get my head around it. It didn't affect bonding or anything like that but I had a real feeling of sorrow about it. I really didn't feel like I had given birth.

I am still sad two years on that he was whisked away and I didn't know where he was for hours and that I must have been so doped up that I barely remember his first few hours with me. Saying all that, I did get my head round it and I am thankful that he is here, safe and sound. I am also glad that I have had one vaginal birth.

Keep your chin up it does get better!

Thanks all

kit, my epidural and spinal failed too so my memory is of someone pressing violently on my throat and the beeping of machines, feeling hot tears run down the sides of my face into my hair - horrible!

Hopefully someone will come across this thread when they are struggling and feel relieved, as I do

People always say "healthy mother, healthy baby" but I think its really important to remember that after a c-section your NOT healthy. you've been cut open, often in an emergency situation and you need time to physically and emotionally heal from that. My mum had a c-section giving birth to my twin sister and I, and reminded me of this when I suffered from PND after an emergency section. They should offer trama support and post natal brefing after every emegency c-section! So, yews, it;s completly normal!

mamag and kit.. and everyone who had to have a GA for their c.s.. it is almost an extra slap in the face that you not only had an em c.s which can be traumatic enough, but that you missed out on the birth and the first few moments.

'hot tears' it is awful, no two ways about it

if people in RL don;t understand, get it all out on here. it is so important to get it all out , very cathartic

I had my DD1 with emcs under GA. I really regret the GA as neither of us saw her being born but after 2 days in labour I was so tired and frightened that I refused ti allow a cs unless GA was used. I had a huge blood loss and needed a transfusion, my milk never came in so I FF her. I also didn't bond with her for about 7 months.
I have cried a lot over this but I feel that going through my notes made a difference and I can put it to rest now. I just wish I had done it sooner - I waited until after DD2 was born.

MamaG it's awful isn't it? Even now, beeping noises are a bit of a memory trigger for me. Supermarket checkouts are probably the worse - in the early days I'd just be right back there on that bed, feeling as if I was being suffocated.
And my poor husband who'd gone through it all with me - the months of bleeding and panic - and he never got to see his babies being born. I feel I let him down too by robbing him of that.

The worse thing is that I kick myself now for mentioning that I could feel them cutting. Now I wonder if I could have gritted my teeth and got through the first bit at least just so I could see them being born. It certainly hurt enough to make me cry out, but knowing what I know now (that I'd had as much spinal as they could give me and a General was the only other option) I wonder if I could have coped with the pain. Would it have been worth it just to see them being born? Awful that even abdominal surgery without full pain relief feels like a better option than missing them being born, but it's true.

You're not alone and, for my part, it's good to know that there are others out there who understand the sadness.

if you had done that kits, then i think your birth would be even more truamatic, if possible, and you would h ave been in a lot of pain, which would certainly hacve marred the moement of birth and just after.

it could have put you into shock too and made you even iller

it is a testament to how traumatic you found your birth , that you would have even considered major abdominal surgery without sufficient anaesthesia..

I know what you mean kits, exactly. I had to go back to hospital when DS was about 5 weeks old as I had a nasty infection - I was in such a state over it, sobbing, shaking and throwing up, just at the thought of going back there! I refused a drip, saying I would have one if I absolutely had to and not before and really had to give myself a good talking to just to get through teh doors. Had an appt ther with DS last week (10 weeks on) and got there without the panic so I'm hoping I've worked through that one (although whether I'd be the same if it was ME being treated I don't know)

Thanks to lulu and the others xxxxxx

I had ecs with my dd, having planned a home water birth but after a week of back contractions 3 mins apart and no sleep (although I still 'wasn't in labour' apparently), I went to be induced to find I was 10 cm. I expected to have her out in a few hours but 9 hours later I was stuck with her OP, facing out and wedged sideways into my pelvic bone. Epidural didn't work and I was petrified when they said ecs. Seeing dh's face in the prep room was horrible, he was so scared. Spinal did work thank goodness but i didn't see her born, just had a bloody baby waved at me above the sheet. For a few weeks afterwards I kept expecting the 'real' mother to turn up - I couldn't relate her arrival to my labour efforts. I keep thinking I should have tried harder, pushed harder etc. The place I 'gave birth' was brilliant and the staff were incredible but I still feel like I failed. I hate that 9 weeks on people are surprised when I say that it hurts to push dd's buggy - as if I should be back to normal and I'm obviously a wuss because I'm not.

I know this going to sound very American but I found going to a psychologist very helpful. I was oven my PND by 9/10 weeks, but as it approached my son's first birthday I started having nightmares of the birth nearly every night. I thought I was over it, but clearly I really wasn't, and it took me a whole year till I finally "talked it out" in a professional setting. I think being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder made me realise that I wasn't just a wuss, but that giving birth in this way really is a trauma that needs to be properly dealt with.

I had totally forgotten about my DD1 first birthday but you have just reminded me naomi83. For about a week before her first birthday I cried loads and really couldn't understand why any one wanted to celebrate a first birthday. I just kept thinking "this time last year ......" She was 4 last week and this year is really the first time that her birthday was about her and not me if you know what I mean.
It really took having DD2 to get over DD1s birth.