I have namechanged for this, btw.
DH's parents moved to France 4, amost 5 years ago. They chose to move to a location that is 12 hour's drive from the nearest ferry port, and 3 hours drive from the nearest airport, despite having 3 children in the UK, and knowing that grandchildren would soon be on the way (they moved out when SIL was 29 weeks pregnant).
Now, they have 4 grandchildren (2 with SIL, I have 2, none as yet for DS3). MIL regrets her lack of involvement with the grandchildren, as they only see them about once per year.
I am now 24 weeks pregnant with DC3, and MIL has decided that she would like to come over for a week when the baby is born to help me. I am grateful, but obviously MIL don't see each other often, so the relationship isn't as close as it could be. The children are young, DD1 met her at 2 days old, 5 months old, 17 months old, and this week at just turned 3. DD2 met her at 10 weeks old and this week at 16 months. DD1 has developmental delays, and we are not sure what stage she will be at in April when the baby is born (currently social interaction is assessed as 18 months).
I also have a previous history which makes the birth of this baby an uncertain event. I was induced at term with DD1 because she was small for dates. DD2 was induced at 35+4 because I had low fluid and she stopped growing. So we have no idea at what stage I would have given birth if I had a natural labour. I am going to have scans at 28, 32 & 36 weeks with this baby to assess growth & fluid, and how far I will get will be determined by this. Realistically, with this baby and my history, I could give birth any time from 35+ weeks to 42 weeks, a 7 week ?window?!
When MIL mentioned coming to the UK to help, I explained that I was very grateful, and it would be lovely, but that I would like to get established with the new baby beforehand, so it would be best for her to come when the baby was a few weeks old. FIL is a very strong character, and he tends to force events to meet his requirements. Most things are fait accompli, so you have little choice in them. He is already upset with us for having a due date in April because he wanted us, or DH at least, to come to France in April to celebrate his birthday and their anniversary. He feels that it is unreasonable of us to say no given that I will either be heavily pregnant or have a premature newborn. He feels that having done it twice before, I should be able to cope without DH.
Last night they brought up the subject (again) of booking flights. I suggested it might be wise to wait a little longer, at least until the 32 week scan, because it was at 33 weeks last time that I went into prem labour and the growth issues were detected. FIL, understandably, felt that it was important to get the best flight prices. So, we have suggested a date mid-June, that would ensure that the baby is at the least 6 weeks old. MIL said that she was looking at late May, but if I do have an uneventful pregnancy, and go post-dates, the baby will only be 3 weeks old. Too soon for me to be having MIL in the house all day everyday for a week.
When I explained that I needed more time to get established, FIL said that ?you are bound to be early because it is your third?. I said that we had no idea when I would give birth. He replied that I was early last time, and on time with DD1. When I pointed out that this was because doctors intervened, he asked if I had a c-section. No. So therefore, his argument follows, my birth canal is fine, so I will be early.
I stuck to my guns and said that I couldn?t have a long-term visit that soon after baby is born. He said that a couple of weeks makes no difference. I said it matters to me, so that I can enjoy the visit. He then said that we had to go with what they can afford. I reiterated that I understood that, but that I really couldn?t have a visit so soon.
I eventually grabbed the laptop and looked up flights, and coming on our dates saves them about ?200, so now he is happy, but I am stressed over the confrontation. I am grateful that MIL realises that she hasn?t had contact with the GC and that is not a good thing, but essentially this visit is for her benefit, because she feels that she has missed out on being ?Nanna? to her other four grandchildren (her words). I am already stressed enough at the thought of coping with a newborn, 20 month old and a 3 year old with the development of an 18 month old (although I can?t know where she will be in April, possibly a little more developed).
Have I been unreasonable? She is now hopefully going to book flights for when the baby is at least 6 weeks, and at most 13 weeks, but 8 weeks corrected.