35wks pg with DS2, thought I was over DS1's birth but apparently I'm not

[hairymcleary]

I had a very long labour with DS1 (47.5 hrs)- failure to progress, so needed drip, epidural and finally ventouse (so episiotomy and stitches) to get him out. He was fine, bf'ing very hard to establish but battled on for about 6 weeks and finally it came right.
Post natal care at hosptial crap (midwives told me to give DS1 formula, as they were too busy to help me bf; dreadful food, toilets blocked. Heatwave, but no windows to open on ward and only one fan between 4 of us. Lights left on all night).
Was quite surprised when DH's brothers both came to visit me in hosp, as hadn't been expecting them, but very nice to see them. What I didn't know was that they had really come to tell DH that his mother was terminally ill. So DH leaves the hospital with them, full of the joys of his first born son, only to be taken home to be told that his mother is dying.
DS1 is now 2.5 and DH's mother has passed away and I thought I had got over the trauma of those first few weeks. However the closer I get to giving birth again, it all seems to be coming back to me. I am waking up every night feeling anxious and breathless and I can't stop thinking about my MIL.
I am feeling very upset that all the joys of having a new baby were overshadowed by the trauma of MIL's news (not sure if that's the right way to put it, as it makes me sound heartless, but I think I'm trying to say that I associate childbirth with traumatic events). I know this will be a different labour and birth- if only because I'll be in a private hospital, in a different country, so am expecting the level of care to be better- but I still can't help feeling anxious about it.
I also remember feeling very shocked about the relentlessness of life with a newborn- I am the youngest in my family and none of my friends had babies before me, so I didn't know anything about what life with a baby would be like. I remember taking about two hours to get out of the house and I am starting to stress about how I am going to cope with a toddler and a newborn.
I've only got 5 weeks til I'm due, and if I can't beat this anxiety soon, I'm going to be a basket case by the time the baby actually arrives.

sorry to hear you're feeling so anxious. Hypnotherapy can really help, and quickly. It can help you process the past and deal with the feelings you are having now. Find a registered hypnotherapist preferably with an interest in birth (quite a few hypnobirthing teachers are also hypnotherapists- check out hypnobirthing.com for a practitioner) No feelings are wrong, just need to do the right thing so they don't get a grip on you. meditating on the feeling can help too (Just sit quietly, relax, breathe and notice the feeling, where you feel it in the body, breathe and allow it to come and go. Best wishes for your birth.

hi- i know how you feel in many respects - horrible long labour with DS1, disgusting hospital experience and then fear of the same for DS2, but the second time round it is easier. You are more confident - even if you think you have forgotten all the baby/newborn stuff it will al come back - honestly it does.

Sorry to hear about your MIL too which obv had a dramatic effect on your birth experience of your DS1. That must have been very stressful and hard to come to terms with your DH's grief whilst celebrating the birth of your DS1.

HI, so sorry to hear things have been traumatic for you. Try to think this is a new experience and is not the same as last time. You definetly need to talk to someone, once you have had someone to listen to you things will get less stressful. It could be a doctor, friend, health visitor or have you thought about hiring a doula. Doulas give you practical and emotional support. I know you had a big loss last time and that must have been so hard for you all but try and remember your MIL would want you to be happy. Also try not to get to worried about having more than one child. We are not machines and no one expects you to be superwoman, just take one day at a time. Concentrate on you and your little ones forget whats around you they are not important i.e housework. It will all soon fall into place. I did feel like this too but it's not that bad- I'm now a mum of 5!
You could always have a look into the Helios Homeopathy kit for pregnancy a labour. There is some remidies in there that help with anxiety. When women are pregnant our bodies and emotions are so much more sensitive and a lot of women go through feelings like this so don't think your strange or no one will take any notice of you because they will.
Take care will be thinking of you

gosh hairy, i had a very similar set of stuff as you. daft long birth with ds1, few hours later the london bombs went off. i'll go and find the relevant links for you and pop them at the bottom of this later. if you're interested!

when i was about 35 wks with ds2 (born this march) i melted down re: quality of care for the birth, and we hired a private midwife. it was VERY good not to have to go same route as previously. made an enormous difference. so that is really good you have a diffeerent scenario too.

feeling less exhausted from the second birth did get us off to a flying start. as i also knew what to expect, i really really worked the natal hypnotherapy CDs, which is an enormous help pre-duruing and after birth. i recommend them. couldn't have done it all without. like you my anxiety levels were so high. these worked. they made it all manageable.

i too really worried how to cope with toddler and baby. ds1 was 2.9 when ds2 born. he is a pretty clingy, full on boy and i just couldn't imagine how it would go. so i finally (about 38 weeks i think) just forced myself to stop worrying it will be what it will be.

in my case, it was a complete joy: ds2 was a huge baby and fed infrequnelty and i slept well. he is startle proof, cheery and ds1 has gradually shown what a sweet thing he is, getting used to the baby and being lovely about him. he needed fairly regular doses of mummy only time, and ds2 was in comparison more neglected. but nothing much! in fact, the astonishing thing to me has been that having two of them is actually easier. i don't get so bored with just one, things are less intense and more interactive and fun. even from the earliest hours, ds1 has been as interested in what we do for baby as the later interaction he has been having with him himself. i feel a better mother, more confident, more realistic (less pfb ) and more capable.

practical tips: get proper cleaning/extra cleaning help for the first 3 months. if you can - we spent an extra 30 quid a week and had a saturday cleaner help us keep in order. very good for morale.

good luck. will find you my old links.

sorry i meant to say, the traumatic events stuff. yes, i know what you mean in that i am hyper sensitive to terrorist/war on terror kind of stuff. we took ds1 home past all the bomb sites in london, eerie quiet. and i just thought 'oh god don't make him have to go for a soldier when he's grown'. it is still my deepest fear for him, and now ds2. it doesn't go i think. it just gets more manageable over time. so reminds me of other losses in the past. how i feel about their future, and how i feel about my past all came back and swamped me like you describeabout your MIL when i was due. it is only natural tbh, and i think you have to try and cope by taking one thought at a time, focus on it, let it go. really, really do the natal hypnotherapy cd's!

this link has got other links of use in it