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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Friend who is a midwife has asked if I want her to deliver my baby, what do I do?

28 replies

SaveFerris · 17/12/2008 13:21

This is my third baby. My friend is a very experienced midwife and has said she will put herself 'on call' for me from 36 weeks and deliver my baby, if that is what I want.

I have many reasons for and against. Would I ever be able to sit with here again and enjoy a glass of wine without thinking she has seen me go through childbirth? What if I say no and have a dreadful midwife at the actual birth?

My prev 2 labours were fine. 2.5 hours from start to finish, no drugs, no tears etc. So I am also thinking I cannot be that lucky again and perhsp if I am going to go through hell I would want a friend as well as DH around.

Would you e inclined to want a friend deliver you?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Pruners · 17/12/2008 13:26

Message withdrawn

orangehead · 17/12/2008 13:28

Could you talk to her about your concerns, she might be able to put your mind at rest about it

BarnMummy · 17/12/2008 13:38

If she's happy with it, I'd jump at the chance: my medic friends always prefer to keep personal and professional separate, whereas I would have loved to have them (GP and District Nurse) look after me when I was pregnant.

I think the hesitation on their side is to do with what happens to your friendship should, God forbid, anything go wrong and whether they would feel responsible.

Just a thought - best of luck!

2pt4WiseMen · 17/12/2008 16:42

Do you have any other 'againsts' apart from the worry about her seeing you naked and in labour and having to face her afterwards?

If not then definitely jump at her offer!!

You honestly will not find that a problem when it comes down t it and all the positives will more than outweigh this worry.

When I had DS2 it all happened very quickly and DH was stuck at work so MIL drove me to the hospital. She ended up staying with me the whole time so I didnt have to be on my own and even went down that end to see DS2 be delivered!!
I never would have agreed to her being there beforehand, but was very grateful she stepped in at the time and it has caused no embarrassment or anything like that since.

Go for it!

Nbg · 17/12/2008 16:44

I think it would be lovely for you to have her as your midwife and reassuring!

The MW who delivered my dc3 at home, her ds goes to the same school as my dd, so I see her most days.
Its not embarrasing seeing her at all.

tiredemma · 17/12/2008 16:45

My best friend is not a midwife but she was my birth partner for DS2, never even thought about the complications relating to her seeing my fanjo.

It was lovely to share such a special event wit her

Kathyis6incheshigh · 17/12/2008 16:46

If I thought she was a good midwife then yes, I would jump at the chance. Frankly there are so many out there who are crap, or who might not be crap but have different ideas from me about what makes a good birth, anything I could do (other than paying thousands for a private one) to ensure a good one would be great.
Would not care in the slightest about her seeing my fanjo etc!

tiredemma · 17/12/2008 16:49

and lets face it, once you have seen one fanjo, you have seen them all. I wouldnt even worry about it.

You are fortunate to have the offer from a midwife who you can no doubt trust.

Original poster

SaveFerris · 17/12/2008 17:28

I thought the general consensus would be that it would be a good idea. The first midwide with me when DD was born was crap ad practically ignored me whilst she was with me, thank goodness her shift changed after an hour! I could therefore end up with a midwife like that for this birth, then I would be gutted.

2pt4wisemen I think my only other concerns are if something went wrong, I wouldn't want her to feel 'blame' or anything like that. Also, what if I did something eally cringworthy like pooed mid labour?!!!

OP posts:

SnowballsintheSky · 17/12/2008 17:30

I would jump at it. I would have had a much better labour if the mw had even made eye contact, never mind been my friend. She won't remember your fanjo either, she must have seen hundreds.

Blimey, to have someone there who knows you well, will make an effort to make things as pleasant as possible for you and who knows what they're doing. Go for it.

misdee · 17/12/2008 17:33

one of my midfwives was a lad from schools mum, i had to call her out whenin early labour, and i did think 'oh god, bens mum has seen my fanny' afterwards. but she was v lovely. she wasnt on-call on the night dd4 was born, was a tad disappoited tbh.

sgk's dd2 was delivered by our old neighbour who had seen us grow up from toddlers.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 17/12/2008 17:44

Doesn't everyone poo during labour?
Oh. Maybe not.

largevirginbirthandtonic · 17/12/2008 17:54

They do Katy they just don't admit it, bit like farting

I would have loved to have one of my midwife friends deliver my babies but moved out of the area

It will be lovely, discuss what you would like before hand though and have a good birth plan ready.

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 17/12/2008 18:32

Go with your gut feeling. There's no particular reason why anything should go wrong and hopefully it will be a great experience that the two of you will remember. And I didn't poo (honestly birthandtonic!) - but I wouldn't let that put me off.

clarabell16 · 17/12/2008 20:43

Having personal experience, yes i would. I had a midwife and my friend who was an assistant during my labour, who because of my labour had to get deep down and personal with my bits and pieces, complications etc ending up with section, so couldnt get up from bed, she even saw midwifes changing my pads!! Then she helped me get breast feeding established, (for 4 days) hand expressing one boob, latching baby on. Honest to god, she must have spent about a week either looking at my foof, or having her hands on my boobs. And she still comes over for a cuppa, and we go out for drinks, we discussed it after, and she said its her job so there was nothing weird about it. And also i have no shame!! To be honest, i felt a lot better having her there.

georgimama · 17/12/2008 20:45

I would say no. I don't know whether you should say no or not, but I'm surprised she offered.

I don't want to be negative but what if something went wrong (I mean something minor, hopefully), would your friendship recover? I wouldn't be able to do it myself.

aGalChangedHerName · 17/12/2008 20:49

My lovely friend is not a midwife but was my birth partner for dd1 and dd2 and saw everything up close IYSWIM and we still have nights when we drink wine.

We can actually have a really good giggle at some of the things that happened. I am sooooo glad she was there for me,only regret is that i didn't know her when i had the ds's.

crokky · 17/12/2008 20:51

I would jump at the chance because when I was in hospital earlier this year, there weren't enough staff and it was just dangerous. At least she would be a professional there for you and wouldn't leave you to labour in a dark corridor vomiting on your own/in front of other people's visitors! She'll have seen millions of "bits" anyway.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2008 20:56

saveferris, are you planning a homebirth?
or does she work at your local hospital? or what?

because I don't think that she can jhust be your midwife at a hospital unless she works there because insurance wouldn't cover her.

ATadgeUpset · 17/12/2008 21:55

Oh I would go for it! One fango is the same as another to a midwife, so she won't be bothered!!

Plus you can rant and rave and NOT have to apologise as she is your friend and will forgive you!!!!

delightedoldbag34 · 18/12/2008 11:07

I would be cautious about it but only because (if, God forbid something did go wrong) she would feel 'responsible'. If it were me I'd grab the chance to have her there with you and your DH but probably in more of a 'doula-type' capacity. If she already works in the hospital she can probably arrange for one of the nicest midwives on shift to be your 'actual, technical' midwife with whom the buck stops, and your friend can be there as an extra support and pair of hands to help both the other midwife, you and your DH. She can be involved in the delivery etc but not be the one with the ultimate responsibility IYSWIM.
(and in terms of worrying about seeing your fanjo, she won't care less, ditto pooing etc It won't even cross her mind.) - I am a trained midwife so believe me, all fanjo's look pretty much the same (ie. unremarkable!)

evesapple · 18/12/2008 15:26

If you're not comfortable with it, for whatever reason, then don't. Feeling uncomfortable and issues with privacy are more likely to hinder than help with labour.

hellsbells76 · 18/12/2008 15:35

the midwife who delivered dd (homebirth) has since become a good friend, along with several other ladies she's delivered and we regularly go out for dinner. it's not weird at all. we did manage to silence the whole of la tasca one night when one of the girls (a bit pissed) yelled out 'rachael, i've just realised you've seen ALL our fannies!'

minouminou · 18/12/2008 17:17

one of my oldest friends is a midwife and she was primary birth partner (DP was there too).
I laboured at home until i was 6cm, and then we went up to the hospital, and she was there until i got to the pushing stage, when i asked her and DP to leave room - it had been uneventful until then, really, G&A, epidural, snooze etc
I got the best of both worlds - her amazing moral support and also the knowledge that i wouldn't get fobbed off in any way by the hospital staff
AND - she didn't have to fist me, like she'd been threatening to for months beforehand - the dirty cahhhhhh!
So, maybe you could ask her to act in a similar capacity (minus the fisting jokes if your sense of humour isn't as crude as ours).

christmaxbear · 20/12/2008 01:25

I've been there on both sides. I had a fab midwife friend deliver both of my babies, never worried for a second about the fact that she has seen it all. Also as a midwife myself I knew everyone anyway so someone had to look after me, I just figured it was better to have a friend than just anyone. I have also delivered friends, never been a problem in fact always been a pleasure. Have got a few pregnant friends who want me to look after them, will do if my dh is around to look after my own children. Don't worry about what if something went wrong cos usually it doesn't and if the going got tough I would have no hesitation handing over care to someone else and staying on as supporter.

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