bitterly regret vbac [sob] please help me to think of it as a positive experience

[drivingmebatty]

Hi all I had my vbac 7 months ago and the birth itself went well.
But I sustained a small tear to my labia that I just couldn't live with as every time I went to the loo wiping would pull and catch it.
A couple of weeks ago I had it fixed, they basically had to cut away the whole edge to remove it {vomits and feints at the memory}
To look at it {which I must do at least every hour} it matches the other side now kind of but it is still so sore and obviously is never going to be as it was.

I just feel absolutely griefstricken that this could happen to me my first section was a breeze in comparison I just cannot stop wishing I had had another one.

I think of it every second of every day and have done for the last 7 months. I am just so tired now I would love to forget this experience and move on but I just can't I feel so sick.

To top it all my lady bits are wonderfully sore for a week or two after every period and no one seems to know what is causing it or be able to help me.
I really am at the end of my tether anyone have any kind words of wisdom please?

(please no "i'm glad I had a section posts please")

you're not allergic to tampons/towels are you? could be that making you sore.
sorry about the other stuff too.

You had it fixed a couple of weeks ago. Of course it's still sore, it's a very sensitive area.

No, it probably isn't going to be the same as before but that's true about a lot of your body post children

the pain after your period, is it like they are throbbing and, well, descending? i had that for a while after my vb, and i really found pelvic floor exercises helped.

i'm sorry about the other stuff, you poor thing, it's easy to get stuck in a loop about these things. (i kinda have the opposite problem, had one good vb and feel utterly violated by my cs). have you thought about speaking to a birth trauma counsellor? i spoke to someone, actually don't remember her saying very much i just let it all pour out and it helped a lot to tidy up my mind.

sorry your vbac has caused you this trauma . no words of wisdom, but just wanted to empathise with you; I had a VBA2C five weeks ago which ended in forceps and has left me with some incontinence ishoos that I'm seeing the physio for, and has left me with mixed feelings about the whole experience.

I hope you can get to the bottom of the pain soon, and that your bits heal well.

my sister can't use any tampons or towels which have been chlorine bleached. try nature ones or maybe a mooncup?

i haven't given birth vaginally but 7months is still pretty post-natal, there must be possibility it will settle down.

can you go back to gp? maybe birthtrauma helpline?

i second the mooncup, i absolutely adore mine, can't bear the thought of sticking a big wodge of polyester or whatever it is up there now.

If you're thinking about it every minute of every day and feeling 'griefstriken' then you really do have some form of post birth trauma. Please try and find someone you can talk things through with otherwise you will find it very difficult to move on.

It seems as though your mental health has suffered far more than your body. Many women end up with tears or grazes after a VB, some needing corrective surgery so you are not alone.

I'm in no way trying to trivialise your experience but do you think the whole experience of VB has traumatised you? Often women who have had a CS are fed a romantic idea of VB and so try for a VBAC expecting an amazing, empowering experience when in fact it's messy, agonising and leaves you quite battered. I've had 3 VBs (no CSs) but I was in no way prepared for birth #1!

Maybe you're focusing on what you describe as a 'small tear' when you are actually traumatised by the whole process. I don't know but you sound very upset. I spent 2yrs being very upset by something that happened at my first birth. Not devastated in the way you are but I thought about it over and over. I finally spoke to someone about it just after falling pg again and it helped a lot.

Good luck and please try and get help.

Thanks ladies I thought it was allergy to pads too. So this month I used nothing at all as I had just had the op so I just kept getting in the bath every hour or so but bits still sore.
I think it must be a hormonal problem but it is so hard to forget what has happened to my bits when I can feel them all the bloody time.
Am off to the doctor (again) on wednesday to see about going on AD's because this is completely crippling me emotionally.
This is so unlike me I can always see the positive side of things and have always been so strong, but now I just feel ruined

Oh and in terms of thinking about it in a positve light, I was told two things,
1st and most obvious was that a live birth must always be a positive experience. Taking a new, healthy baby home as oppose to the horrendous negative experience of not doing so.
2nd was that if I could go on to have another happier birth experience and avoid what caused me so much upset then that would be a type of closure. This may not be relevant to you if you don't plan on having more but I was pregnant at the time.
I feel for you.

I think I am traumatised by what has happened to my bits. The birth itself was ok. Never in my worst nightmares could I have imagined having to have part of my labia cut off. I feel mutiliated.
I just hope when they have healed that they feel better. Not that I am usually in the habit of fiddling with my bits thats dh's job!

This was my last pregnancy I only really wanted one child but it was such a great experience and i love her so much I didn't want her to grow up alone.
So it is hard to have such a great experience followed by a horrific one.
When I was deciding whether to have another I knew I could go through a cs again just to see my dd for the first time again so why the f**k didn't I do the same for my ds.
I should have spent my pregnancy reading birth trauma threads instead of vbac's are great threads.

Hmmmm, I wonder if you have some sort of residual nerve pain relating to the original injury and/or repair which is maybe being aggravated by hormonal changes during your cycle. You might find that AD's really help with this.

Anyway - sorry you are feeling so eaten up by this. Do you think some birth trauma counselling might help? I know you said the birth was 'straightforward' but the fact that this injury is causing you such continued unhappiness makes me wonder if your feelings about it are related to aspects of the birth.

My second (elective) section was bloody awful.

You never know how these things will pan out- so really no point torturing yourself. A second section might have been fine, or could have been awful.

Do keep going back to get ongoing problems sorted though.

So sorry to hear you're feeling this rotten.

Like you, I had a relatively straightforward section and speedy recovery, followed by a dreadful VBAC experience (episiotomy didn't heal well probably because 3 weeks after I gave birth I pulled out a swab the doctor had left inside!).

I felt pretty resentful about it all. I'd opted for a VBAC because I wanted to be on my feet quickly, yet months down the line I was still feeling crap down below. I had aching and dragging sensations making it difficult to stand for any length of time. As you say, you're aware of it constantly. I improved when my periods came back 6/7 months later, obviously you haven't found that, but it does make me think it might have been hormonal. And so is perhaps fixable?? Are you breastfeeding? But I did eventually begin to feel better, even though it felt like I never would and I've since gone on to have another VBAC.

Good luck with everything.

Thanks Bamboo I had my vbac for the same reasons as you but it has backfired quite spectacularly as when my bits are so sore I can't even think straight to look after myself let alone a baby.
I'm not breastfeeding so it's not even that. My thyroid is underactive now but only slightly and is supposedly under control with the medication. I wonder if that could still affect my monthly cycle though?
As for my other trouble I am finding it hard because I know it will never be the same so recovery from this will never be 100% my best bits have been chopped about. Am so bitter about that.

your best bits? your labia are your best bits? i do think you might need some help getting your perspective back a bit, tbh. mine aren't the same since having a tiny tear, it's like there's a bit missing on one side. i don't suppose i think about it much, though. hopefully you won't either as you get used to the repair.

You poor, poor thing. I totally relate with your feelings (traumatised, sick etc etc). I don't have a birth-related injury, but I had a horrible operation to remove a bartholin's cyst (nasty but benign cyst that develops just inside the vaginal opening) and it left me very sore and feeling totally 'yuck' about my body for a good while afterwards.

Perhaps you won't ever look/feel exactly the same (?), but it is sure to get lots better - and if it doesn't stop feeling sore within a reasonable amount of time, you MUST go back to your doctor and insist on further investigations.

For the time being - are you getting strong enough pain relief? if not, ask for it! And have you thought about some sort of counselling? Sounds like you could do with some support to get over this trauma.

Good luck.

I have to say, the thought that went through my mind when you mentioned never being the same, is that you'll never be the same in ANY way. Being a mum marks you for ever - inside and out. Personally my bits are the least of my worries (and tbh they're not that great after a forceps birth, giant infected episiotomy and a vaginal birth with a baby a whisker off 11lbs). I'm more depressed about the fact that my arse looks like a sack of coal and my boobs are somewhere down by my elbows. More than any of that is that I have no get up and go, because my three children have sucked it all out of me, vampire like .......and the fact that I've turned into the most appalling hypchondriac because I'm so frightened of dying and leaving my children to fend for themselves. . Bloody hell - who'd be a parent?

Oh my goodness gabygirl I don't know whether to laugh or cry!!!
drivingmebatty I had 3 VBs with no external damage (sorry) but I still feel that things aren't quite right inside (last one 7 months ago) I don't think that you will find a single mum who has not had some damage from a VB. It does sound to me as if you need to get some counselling, the issues you are talking about are not going to go away by getting sympathy from us, although I am the first to say talking helps, talk to the people who can really help you get through this. You must feel awful, I hope you can get the courage to seek help, good luck.

I agree with Jimjams - there are never any guarantees in childbirth, and there's absolutely no guarantee that a second C/S if you'd had one would have been problem free. You made what you felt was the right decision at the time, don't beat yourself up about it.

I desperately regret my choice of an elective caesarean following an emergency one with my first. It was ten months ago and I am still not fully recovered, I have spent the whole ten months reliving everyday the events after the birth. I am still in pain from the site of the incision, have bladder problems and can't help thinking I would have been much better off if I'd had a vbac.

I guess you never know if you would have been okay the other route

I've seen your posts fingermousey and can so relate! I think what makes it hard for us is that we were given a choice that most people don't have to make. So if that choice doesn't turn out as we had hoped we are gonna beat ourselves up I guess.

I hope we are both feeling better soon

I think with my issues only time will heal to be honest. The fact my poor labia looks like it has been chewed by a dog and then spat out is not helping
But then it has only been nearly three weeks I've read it can take a few months for it to look normal. It still has splits in it where the stitches got embedded (poor hubby had to remove them with a scalpal shudder) If they heal ok then it wont be that bad. I guess I need more patience.

Hi drivingmebatty Thank you for your response. You are so right we had a choice most people don't get and it's such a hard choice. Also, it's harder sometimes when you can blame yourself and no-one else. I wish they'd forced a vbac on me or a section then at least I could feel it was someone other than me to blame and part of my 'destiny'. I just feel like I chose the wrong option and I just can't get past what's happened. for so long I desperately wanted to go back in time, to do it all again the other way.

Along with that, I now can't have any more children, something I also didn't factor in when opting for a repeat caesarean

Fingermousey your words are exactly what I've been saying for the last 7 months.
I even daydream about what my second section would have been like, even down to the music I would have liked to have been played during it I like to torture myself obviously!

So sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. Regarding your bits, 7 months post birth is not all that long and just a couple of weeks post surgery is nothing. I think you will see improvements in the pain and appearance for some time to come. With regard to your VBAC does it help to think that if you had had a second section it may not have been like your first? Just imagine, the spinal hadn't worked you ended up with a general, didn't see your baby born, the wound got infected, you struggled with both lo's for weeks/months cos of complications. The list is endless - CS are major abdominal surgery and carry the risk of complications for you and bb. Not very cheery I know but if it had been like this you'd have spent months regretting not trying a VBAC. Stop punishing yourself.