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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

I have booked a c-section - so why don't I feel relieved? Please advise!

40 replies

luckymoray · 03/12/2008 19:22

Hello. I had a crash c-section 15 months ago with my daughter. She is fine but was almost out of oxygen so it was very stressful. I am 37 weeks pregnant again - very soon i know(!) - and have deliberated for MONTHS about what to do with second child. We finally decided to make a decision today and booked an elective c-section. I wanted to have more control over the birth and didn't want to rely on a severely overstretched London hospital over Christmas to try for a VBAC (I am due Christmas Day). BUT I do not feel relived - I almost feel like i'm 'interfering' with the process - and every consultant I have seen is far more pro-VBAC than Caesarean (despite them all asking me how my first child is, ie, did she come out OK?) The consultant today booked my c-section but said to me 'I hope you don't regret your decision'...i now feel unsure. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

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Jackstini · 04/12/2008 15:12

But silly throw away comments like that do not help anyone trying to make that decision.
I have been through it today, it's very emotional and that would have sent me into floods of tears or made me want to punch the consultant!

MrsMattie · 04/12/2008 15:13

A human who has a job to do and should be professional. Sorry, but I don't understand why you are defending him? Bizarre.

treedelivery · 04/12/2008 15:16

luckymoaray - maybe you'll feel more relieved as the reality sinks in. You make these decisions for yourself and your family, not to make helth profesionals happy, so if you've got to this decision then once it soaks in and your family know too I bet you'll feel more at one with it.

If not you can always look at it again in a few days.

There is no right or wrong- bad thing about the word 'choice'. It implies a or b, and only one is corect. That 'aint so, you have no crystal ball and don't know how your elective would go, or how your vbac would go. EASY in retrospect - but in rl we have to just do what feels right on the day.

treedelivery · 04/12/2008 15:19

MrsMattie - Because what matters is the op and her and her family's feelings and decision making process.

Not defending, giving a point of view. I thought it might help op to move away fron the consultants view and back to her own wants - which should be the bases for a decision like this.

MrsMattie · 04/12/2008 15:22

I agree@treedelivery.

But often a throwaway comment like the consultant's can send a woman into spin when they are feeling vulnerable and confused. I guess I am touchy because I had my first (possibly unnecessary) section because of a comment like that from a consultant (thought I would be 'mad' to attempt a vaginal birth - had no real basis for thinking that, it turns out, but he completely threw me and made me doubt a decision I had already made...).

Anyway... agree that the main thing is how the OP feels.
Good luck!

turtledove23 · 04/12/2008 15:23

Would it help if you had a doula who could make herself available on Christmas? I am more than happy to talk things through with you either way if you want to. You have my email if you want to talk.

Original poster

luckymoray · 04/12/2008 16:15

thank you - you are all so kind. turtle dove, i will email you - sorry i haven't done before but we were still deciding. the consultant was a nice lady, but i just wish she hadn't said that, especially when she could see that we had spent ages agonising over what to do and had finally decided to drag ourselves from a kind of 'decision paralysis' to actually decide what to do. The truth is, I don't really know how I feel either way - I just want a healthy baby and a non-injured me! I keep daydreaming about having a 'successful' vaginal birth but, if I look at VBAC list, I am not the best candidate....

OP posts:

TheSeriousSanta · 04/12/2008 17:03

Honestly, LuckyMoray, I really think talking to doula is the best way forward.

Someone impartial who can let you talk about all the things you hope and dream of....

For me, I didn't really seriously consider a VB, but that was my choice. I had a wonderful time with my CS and didn't feel in the slightest bit cheated from a natural birth.

But, it was still good to have some one saying: You do have to at least consider this, even if it's just to be sure you want to discount it.

Good luck with whatever you decide

gabygirl · 04/12/2008 17:07

"I would not want to be the person who persuaded her the VB route would be easier than an elective. Because it might not be"

I just don't know how you can so blithely say 'you're not missing anything', when you simply can't know. I know people who've had successful, happy VBACS who feel it was a life-changing event for them. I appreciate that's not the case for everyone (or even most people) but it does happen. And I don't think it's the 'fighting for' and 'getting' a VBAC that makes women feel this way - it's more than that.

Lotster · 04/12/2008 17:25

Oh Gabygirl... I don't know of this is just my turn or if you are this confrontational as a rule? This is the 2nd time you seemed to have singled me out for this "my way or the highway" treatment.

I don't like it when people's threads asking for support and varied opinions and experience are turned in to an unneccessary arguement. Especially as you seem to have come on here to criticise me without previously bothering to respond to the OP's question.

Please, no more.

TheSeriousSanta · 04/12/2008 17:58

I have to agree with Lotster.... I have one son, born by Elective CS (for NO medical indication). I simply wanted one.

I don't feel I missed out on anything. If I am lucky to have another baby, I will have another El CS.

This is my choice. I would never presume that is right for another woman, but it's equally not right to presume VB is right either.

Please!!!

gabygirl · 05/12/2008 12:31

TheSeriousSanta - I didn't presume that VB is 'right' for the OP.

I took issue with Lotser for telling the OP that in not opting for a VB she's not 'missing anything' - basically because she doesn't know how the OP would feel in these circumstances so she's really not in a position to say.

I have no idea what it's like to have an elective c-section, but I can imagine some of the joys - how great it is to know when your baby is going to be born, the focus on the baby rather than the labour, being calm and relaxed as you see your baby into the world with a clear head. I'm able to admit that there are things I've missed out on by not having a c-section, I just can't understand why people who've not experienced a normal birth aren't willing to accept that there can also be powerfully positive feelings to actively giving birth to your baby yourself that are different from the feelings and experiences associated with c-section.

TheSeriousSanta · 05/12/2008 13:18

SOrry, gaby I misunderstood!!!

Lotster · 05/12/2008 14:56

I have experienced a "normal birth" thankyou. Unless you consider forceps assistance not a proper birth?

It was bloody awful, as was the OP's first experience, which is exactly why I said to the OP that she isn't neccessarily missing anything. Not everyone is a tough as you Gabygirl, and having experienced birth trauma myself, and reading how the OP felt in her first post, and subsequently that she doesn't want unpredictable injuries this time round, I stand by her decision. End of.

You weren't on the thread before, you've offered no support to the OP as such and I'm tired of this. I wanted to offer support to someone about the decision they have made, if only you could see that rather than assuming I'm making some sweeping statement. It's not a competition to prove you know more, just one woman giving her opinion and experience to another.

I'll leave another thread and let you have the last word, because I know you won't leave me alone until you do. Enjoy.

Lucky Moray, best of luck with whatever you choose. Hope it all goes well, not long now.

gabygirl · 05/12/2008 17:35

Lotser - don't think it's necessary to be quite so sanctimonious about me not offering support to the OP. Judging by your responses here uou're obviously not exactly averse to a bit of antognistic banter on someone else's thread.

The OP has posted about her subtle, ambivalent feelings about her forthcoming c-section. My responses to your post were part of trying to make sense of that. Because of your own negative experience of vaginal birth you were quick to jump on and assure the OP that she 'wasn't missing anything'. You didn't qualify that statement with the word 'necessarily' - you were categorical that there is nothing to be gained in having a vaginal birth.

My personal feeling is that the OP is experiencing a sense of loss about not having a vaginal birth - however illogical that might be, given that she has weighed it all up and knows that, all things being equal, an elective c-section is the option she feels safer and more comfortable with. It's just a shame that this can't be acknowledged and accepted - but then ambivalence is something that a lot of people don't feel very happy with and don't know how to respond to.

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