OK, I admit it, I'm terrified....How am I going to give birth?

[Hero76]

I'm 26 weeks and am terrified of giving birth. Hugely squeamish (dont even like having bloods done), have been very lucky and no real experience of pain (never had broken bones or anything like that). I know you'll all be saying what a wimp I am - which I am - and genuinely worried about it.
I am due to start antenatal classes and have bought Childbirth without Fear. But am panicking. I'm not even sure what hypnobirthing is. I really worry about having an unsympathetic/absent MW. And most of all I worry that by not being able to stand pain that I may somehow damage my baby in some way.
DP is coming with me, but is squeamish too, and another fear is that he'll be completely turned off me as a partner if he sees me giving birth.
Is there any advice you can give me so that it's not as bad as it could be?

get yourself a doula

Giving birth was truly the most amazing experience of my life so far. I have pangs of jealousy when I see pregnant ladies! My DP is squeamish too but he was fantastic.
A book that really helped me was the one by Ina May Gaskin (not sure i've got the spelling right). I only managed to read a third of it before going into labour but just those few pages really helped.

hi sneakerpimp. aren't they really expensive though?

Hi Hero,
No practical experience here, as I am 9 days overdue with my first baby!

I was pretty nervous about childbirth, but the antenatal classes are really helpful. It is amazing how much reassurance you feel just when you know what's going to happen to your body when the time comes. Don't forget to ask LOADS of questions if you have them - and your DP should also ask plenty of questions if he wants to know things. I was amazed at my normally quite quiet DH who suddenly had lots to say in group sessions!

At 26 weeks you still have lots of time to plan what you would like for your birth, and to look into all the options. I am assuming you have met with a midwife through your doctor's surgery or somesuch? Express your fears to her, if she is approachable. Don't forget that you can ask for a different midwife at any stage, even when you're in labour. Having people around that you trust is going to be very important. I have found that the antenatal classes at my local surgery are taught by different members of the midwife team in a rota, so I have been lucky enough to meet several of the midwives who might be at the birth.

I have been told that the pain is bad, but that you will forget it when your baby comes. Not sure how convinced I am that this is altogether true , but just tell yourself
that if it was so incredibly awful, nobody would ever have more than one child!

Right now, I feel like I'm about to do a bungee jump! I know it's going to happen, I don't know when and I have no idea what it will be like! But, I DO now have the confidence to know that I will bounce back!

Good luck with it all, and remember that Mumsnetters will support you all the way!

Worrying about it isn't good as like it or not baby is coming out (sorry if that sounds really abrupt but ain't it the truth!) . But mentally preparing yourself as much as possible is a good idea so you sound like you are doing the right thing.

As for your DH wanting you again, well mine watched me stand in the bath while my waters broke and I looked like I was peeing myself, he mine looked "down there" when the head was coming out and I am sure I did a No2 whilst pushing (had an epidural so couldn't tell) but DH kindly told me I didn't - AND less than a week after giving birth he asked me when we could have sex again . Not yet - was my firm response!!!

Good luck - it is painful but you soon forget about it and it IS worth it!!

have a look at www.doula.org.uk and www.nurturingbirth.co.uk who have lists of doulas in your area. trainees are cheaper and many will work for expenses only to get the experience.

you are doing all the right things in preparing yourslef now

the Ina May Gaskin and Sheila Kitzinger birth books are great as they are really powerful and inspiring

be in no doubt it will hurt, but it is a positive pain, that is finite and has a big reward at the end !

there are lots of pain relief options and support out there. best thing to do is to educate yourself as you are doing and your DP too

IME you don't really see any gore, as this happens at the 'business end' and your bump gets in the way of you seeing anything during labor and afterwards, believe me, you will have eyes only for the baby so don't worry on that account. Tell your dh to stay up the head end if he's squeamish - he'll be of more use up there anyway as he hold your hand, tell you you are doing great, get you a drink of water etc

As for pain, well yes I have to say that, in common with most women, I found childbirth painful. But the reality was not nearly as bad as I'd expected (I've never broken a leg or anything either). And there is pain relief and absolutely nothing wrong with wanting any. Not saying you should beg for an epidural with the first contraction but gas and air, pethedine, epidural are there if you need them. It is worth reading up on what's available before hand then you will feel a bit more in control as circumstances unfold (but labour is such a personal experience that IMO you can't predict in advance what, if anything, you may want).

One thing though, fear definitely makes things 'feel' worse - have never tried hypnobirthing but a lot of women do say it helped them. Having had my second labour with a 1-1 midwife in attendance was wonderful - if you can afford a doula, or an independent midwife, then I would say definitely go for it.

Have to say with both of mine it did hurt like buggery especially with dd as she was back to back but is a short lived pain in whole scheme and you I certainly forgot as soon as I had a baby in my arms.
Might be worth looking into hypnotherapy before the birth if you are reaaaly worried.

Make sure you get an epidural, so you can relax about the pain aspect of childbirth.

As for your concern re DP - DH was with me in the first part of childbirth, but when all of a sudden I felt like throwing up, I told him to go outside and stay outside.

You sound exactly like me. I had never been in hospital before I had my DD, no broken bones and I hadn't had any blood taken before the 8 week MW appointment. That was the first hurdle I had to get over!

I can honestly say that although contractions were uncomfortable they were not what I would call painful. You need to breathe etc to deal with them and in a funny way that takes your mind off them - or rather ALL you are doing is having contractions so you can deal with it.

I had a forceps delivery which was VERY painful for about five seconds maximum. But I did only have gas and air as I didn't want an epidural and you would obviously have that option whatever kind of delivery you have.

Antenatal classes will go through methods of pain relief so you will be informed and the medical team are there to look after you and the baby so the chances of you being able to do anything which inadvertently hurts the baby is very unlikely.

If you are anything like me your DH will be so worried seeing you working so hard and in pain/ discomfort that you will be comforting him. As soon as my DD was born I was so elated that we had a baby that I turned to my DH with a beaming smile only to find him fighting back tears at how uncomfortable I looked.

The main thing to remember is that it is all for a purpose and that it is a short time for a wonderful outcome.

Trust me by the time you are 42 weeks pregnant you will not care, as you just want the baby OUT!

I am a little like you, so I KNEW i wanted an epidural as I wanted no pain.
I had one, but it was not without its complications (ventouse and episiotomy)
But apart from about an hour after I was induced when I was in agony I had no pain.

Pregnant with no 2 now, and I plan to see if I can last a little longer without an epidural

I felt exactly the same as you Hero but in the end it honestly wasn't anything like as bad as I had imagined.

Contractions start off fairly weak and build up gradually so you have chance to get used to the pain. I used a tens machine and found that helped me cope until I went to hospital.

Gas and air is brilliant - it distances you from the pain and helps you breathe through each contraction. And don't forget that even at the end you do get a break between contractions. You will manage - pethedine and epidurals are there if you need them - and there's no way your reaction to the pain will harm your baby.

Make dp stay up your end, there really will be nothing gory to see from there. The only blood me and dh saw (and i had ventouse and episiotomy) was when they put a canula in my hand and that was just a drop or two. Didn't even get blood on my nightie! Your dp won't be turned off by you either - he'll more likely be mega impressed by your strength in bringing your little one into the world.

A tip that helped me was to take a look at all the women you know who have had kids (inc. mother, mil, grandma) and think if they can do it then I'm sure I can!

Honestly, it probably won't be as bad as you are imagining, it's only for a few hours, and when you have a beautiful baby to hold you'll forget it all anyway! Good luck.

This is so normal..

I'll never forget with dc1, when I was heavily in labour, and they helped me into nightie and onto the bed at the hospital so I could give birth I felt like inside I was screaming, "no, hang on a minute, there's been a huge mistake, I don't give birth! I read Grazia and I drink coffee and I phone friends and I surf the internet while pretending to work... I am far to pathetic to give birth."

THe only thing I can say that MIGHT help you deal with it is that IF you were in that amount of pain from an injury, it would be mentally terrifying. Childbirth is alarming, I am not going to lie!, it's hard to explain, but it's pain that's going somewhere. Pain on a journey. And that does somehow make a difference.

Have I gone back in time and posted this????lol

I was very worried, in fact when told had low placenta was secretly happy cause thought I might get a c-section

I bought I book on hypnobirthing but only heard of it a few days before I gave birth so didn't get very far.

The bit i read did help, basically have faith in your body, it is designed to get babies out. Your MW is there to help this happen. Now I ahd always said I wouldn't put pressure on myself to not ahve any drugs, after all no prizes for suffering, in the end all I had was gas and air. I got to the hospoital at 9cms so not really a choice, but to be honest the pain didn't really get any worse.

I've described it beofre to friends in this way. When you stub your toe it f@*%ing hurts, it can make you feel sick and want to cry, labour is no worse than this - let me expalin because of course it hurts but it come in waves and builds up so its not an out of the blue pain. iyswim???

You need to ensure that you remember that every push is a step closer to your baby and keep focused, you will do great I'm sure.

PS forgot to say that DH was surprised at how well i coped cause to be honest I am a wimp!!!!!

Already been said but it's normal to feel like this.

With DS1 I was 19 and scared of the pain and insisted on having an epidural so the pain wasn't really an issue but the constraints having an epidural puts you under (not being able to get off the bed!) meant that I felt less in control of everything else other than the pain. I felt a little detached from the whole thing really which makes me sad now when i compare it to my other births

With DS2 I was 26 and still scared of the pain but decided to try without the epidural but keeping it as a last option if I really wimped out. i had gas and air and walked and walked and walked around the delivery room. I had my mum and DP there with me and we laughed and joked throughout it all and watched the sun rise over the skyline and it was amazing. I felt so much more in control because I could genuinely feel what was happening to my body. And it's not constant pain, comes and goes, gradually becoming more intense rather than horrendously painful. And with each one I thought, that was a bit stronger but I still don't need an epidural, until reaching the point of just being focused on having the baby.

And the feeling of euphoria at actually having done it is unbeatable! I felt like the strongest woman on earth

I had DD 2 years later and that was a doddle and managed to do all my pacing at home with her

Good luck, whatever method you choose you get to be a mum at the end of it! And finally meet that baby of yours and everything else will just fade

I have a pain threashold of nil, i can't even have my blood taken without fainting!

I have to agree with some, but not all of the previous posts. You have to believe in your own body & be very positive about the birth..

My experience was thankfully very 'normal'& medically uneventful, the pain is a distant memory. I would never have considered an epidural though, i needed to have a natural birth with minimum medical imput, I was not 'allowed' a home birth, but wish now i'd have stayed at home longer & as i'd have been fine, (went to hosp as late as possible & gave birth 3hrs later).

Next time its a home birth for me, & if i can do it anyone can.
Good luck

Hero76, really, go and find yourself a hypnobirthing trainer. It is worth every penny. I was scared witless of the whole process, had been getting progressively more scared of it as I got older and heard more people's horror stories - I did the hypnobirthing - it is just a relaxation thing and the trainer explains how and why your body is equipped to deal with giving birth and how and why the culture of fear has been created around it. Just that first session made me feel soooo much better. And you get a CD that you can play every night - sent me to sleep 98% of the time! - that reinforces the relaxation.

My trainer did it over 4 sessions, but I had an extra one when I was overdue and had to book in for induction - it made a HUGE difference to my attitude to the whole birthing process.

read up about it here - I can't say often enough how brilliant I think it is for removing the fear.

With my Ds I was terrified too. When I got to around 38 weeks, I suddenly accepted that it was going to happen and that I'd be fine ~ which I was, I just kind of relaxed into what I was about to do.
Giving birth does hurt, but it's a pain that will bring you the biggest reward in the world and the pain stops as soon as the baby is born. I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on here. I'm also sure that you will be absolutely fine

Hero - I was the same way.

Firstly, yes it does hurt and there's no getting around it. There are also drugs. Gas & air is great for altering your mood and epidurals will take everything away if you really are having a bad time. Saying that, I never thought I could do it and was all ready for my epidural but, due to circumstances, I ended up getting to 7cms dialated without so much as a sniff of gas so it's amazing what you can do when it comes to it!

My DH was squeamish too and, when I eventually needed a section, he kept saying he was going to hide down my head end. When they finally opened me up and were getting my son out, he jumped up and had a good look! It's quite an experience so you never know how he will react - tell him to keep up at your head and see what happens.

You are capable of amazing things that you never knew before so have faith in yourself and you will be just fine.

thank you so much for all your encouraging posts - partic like the one about toe stubbing because yes that makes me feel sick and wanting to cry too!!!
I feel much better finding out i am not the only one.
I jut couldn't bear it if I put the baby in any danger because of not being up to coping with pain. That's what really scares me.
FLF - my mother is a real earth mother, wonderful experience, nothing more than a couple of puffs of gas and air every time etc etc, makes me feel totally inadequate. M-i-l in comparison started to go into graphic details of 'my childbirth hell' before I had to stick my fingers in my ears and say "nooooooooooooooo". So neither are completely ideal!!

IME, feeling scared about it and not being confident that you will cope is perhaps 'better' than being over prepared and writing reams of birth plan about how you'll deal with the pain by listening to whale music and burning aromatherapy candles!!

I wouldnt say I have a high pain threshold, and I didn't have grand preconceived ideas about how I would give birth (though I did book into a midwife led unit) as I didn't want to have an epidural). I expected it to hurt, and I felt pretty scared about that! However, I managed my first birth on gas and air, and she was a big baby too! In contrast, the woman from our NCT class who was absolutely adamant she would have a home birth, and wouldnt let a drug within a mile of her, was the one who ended up with every intervention in the book! So I think a healthy amount of apprehension and an acceptance that childbirth does hurt isn't a bad thing!

As others have said - it will hurt - you won't have felt pain like it before. But it is a different pain. It isn't constant, it is a pain that is taking you somewhere, and the feeling when you have given birth, and experienced that pain and realised you've come through it (which you will!) is like nothing on earth!

My advice would be don't try to ignore the fact that it will hurt, but don't get too obsessed with it. Gas and air rocks - you still feel contractions, but distanced from them. Find a really supportive midwife - my first one was the key to my positive birth experience. I cannot stress that enough. You don't have to pay for a doula (though I gather they are brilliant if you can afford it). In my case, using a midwife led unit rather than a big hospital was key - I had a known and trusted midwife who talked me through every stage of the birth.

If you are in the realms of actually having a birth phobia, then you may want to ignore this advice and just make sure you book an epidural. My SIL had a phobia - the hospital agreed to give her an epidural as soon as she arrived at hospital. That was the right decision for her, as she couldnt cope with the idea of the pain. But there are a lot of downsides to a totally medicalised birth, and as you are clearly very concerned about possible heightened risks to your baby, then you probably won't want to take this route. If you have the kind of fear which is within the 'normal range' (which yours sounds like tbh) then I would go with the earlier advice and try to set things up to have a positive birth with a midwife you trust.

I am a total coward.

Had mobile epidural which was great, did not take away all the pain but I could move around and push OK. I think it's a great choice for a long first birth. If you're progressing normally, you can probably do without the epi but I had a pre labour of 2 days (contractions too painful to sleep) so felt exhausted when the real labour started, and many first time friends had the same marathon labour.

I really, really recommend TENS, I was sceptical but tried it while in labour and it got me through the first half.

Also really recommend good person with you, whether doula or midwife. They can help you through contractions.

I found having music on iPod headphones and trying to get to the end of verses etc helpful. Just a way to try and zone out.

Also recommend perineal massage (really more about stretching your bits (tmi!), as I did it and didn't have any tearing, which I am still happy about 2 years later.

I also recommend trying to practice for contractions, of course you can't really but one way I did was to turn the shower on really cold and then stand under it for 20 seconds, but train myself not to tense up but to relax into it and breathe normally (surprisingly hard, actually!). It's quite a good analogy with a contraction as it's forcing yourself to relax despite a quite overwhelming physical sensation.

Anyway those are the things which helped me.

In summary, no one could be more of a coward with no experience of pain than me, and I got through it absolutely fine, and really can't remember the pain. However key to that were fanatical planning about what I did and didn't want, as well as good support during the birth.

Best of luck, please don't worry, and plan ahead! it won't all go to plan but it's nice to feel informed before you start.

please dont worry i was exactly the same i thought it was going to be that bad it never could have been.

All i can say is you are going to have pain but its not constant and the more the pain gets closer and closer the closer you are to having your baby.

Also gas and air is good if you dont want oo much intervention but remember thers no point being in pain if you dont need to be. Midwifes are also very good at advising you what pain relief to have so trust them.

As for your partner my husband always says to me even though my little girl is 2 in 2 weeks that he is so proud of me and there is no way he could evfer have done what i did.