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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

DH as birthing partner - he does not know how to support me...this is 2nd time round

45 replies

Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:18

DH does not do emotions, he does logic. He is unable to understand the need I have for him to be supportive during labour. I really feel like banging my head against a brick wall. I've told him what would help me...and he comes back with 'well I would not want that'...I reply with 'but I would and I would find that supportive'...'well if someone said that to me/did that to me'...etc...aaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Please someone help me get through to him...is there a book? Maybe I'm not wording it correctly? Maybe if he does not understand the word 'supportive' now he never will and I'm best to find someone who does mop brows and says 'your doing really well' in a hearty positive voice...?

My first labour was under 6 hours so really worried about this one being mega quick and really need him to be there for me...and not look like a rabbit stuck between the headlights like last time...

Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ally90 · 21/11/2008 21:02

Nearest doula is about an hour and twenty min drive from the hospital I want to give birth at...cannot find one more local...

Maybe I am expecting too much of him, but I still think he could read the material on how to support during labour...discuss it...and if he's still uncomfortable...I suppose I just feel he could have made more of an effort beforehand last time and I want him to this time if he wants to be there as my birth partner which he says he wants to do...

OP posts:

turtle23 · 22/11/2008 07:32

Ally-Where are you? I am a doula and am in communications with lots of doulas everywhere. Maybe I could help you find one?

ChairmumMiaow · 22/11/2008 07:48

All90 - my husband was great during my labour, but we both found it really helpful and reassuring to have my SIL (best friend) there too. She has 2 kids so knew what she was doing, and was there to answer DH's questions when I was out of it.

It was wonderful having both of them there and it didn't make it feel any less special for DH and I (in fact DS has a really special bond with his auntie).

Talk to your friend if you think she might be good. Perhaps instead of paying a doula you can pay for some childcare for all of the kids when you're in labour (if possible) so you can have someone you know will support you there?

Good luck!

Original poster

Ally90 · 22/11/2008 10:13

Just catted you Turtle

I would like someone else there, good idea to support dh, imagine he may a) come out of his shell and be reassured or b) retreat and let everyone get on with it...as he said he did last time...think midwife checked on us every 15 to 30 min for a minute then left... other than that it was me and him...

OP posts:

honeybunmum · 24/11/2008 14:26

Hi Ally90, floor was ok (big blanket down) Designer white kitchen cupboards not so white though!!. Got the MW to clean up when she turned up 45mins later, well she didn't have too much else to do. DH didn't have a choice but to cope, but felt v proud afterwards. Being forced into being supportive by events is one thing but if he feels you are forcing him in any way he will resent you and completely clam up ( if he's anything like my DH) Good luck and perhaps read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' XXX

Original poster

Ally90 · 24/11/2008 19:48

Hi Honeybunmum

45 minutes!!! At least your cupboards would wipe down...

I'm debating getting a doula to support dh me and she can guide him as to what he can do. I feel that its not a case of forcing...he is volunteering/wants to be there so therefore if he wishes to be my birth partner he should do a bit more reading up to become one...and interpret things in his own way...such as he would never say 'gosh I love you darling'...that is fine but 'puuuuusssshhhhh!!!' would be good if he could manage to vocalise that...just anything but just sit there...can you tell I'm still frustrated? Having a doula is looking good...

OP posts:

minxpinx · 24/11/2008 20:10

I don't think that men should be forced into doing this by public's expectations. My DH was with me the whole way through and he found it very very traumatic. He was great, but I really wish that I had had a doula/independent midwife there. We were both completely out of our depth as things started to go wrong. He still gets upset about it over a year later. I think it is important to have very positive people who believe that you can do it with you when you are having a baby.

georgimama · 24/11/2008 20:18

I'm with minxpinx on this. Having someone with you who for whatever reason is not 100% focussed on your needs is counter-productive. I don't see what is so great about the father being there - these are not vital moments, which if missed, irrepairably damage the family relationship.

Maybe, if he has Asperger's, he genuinely was traumatised by the first birth? You describe yourself as screaming (never saw the need for that myself) - don't you think he would have found that difficult? Yes, it's all about you, so if he can't provide what you need, get it from someone else!!

Being a birth partner is a messy, scary business best reserved to a) trained professionals of either gender and b) women who have been there.

Original poster

Ally90 · 24/11/2008 20:34

I'm not forcing him to be there, he wants to be there, he's been talking about being there, but there is a part of him that thinks he is not able to be supportive (which makes me think he may not be willing, but I can only go by what he says). My view is, if he wants to be there he should be providing for my needs. He thinks he will cope better this time and know more of what to expect but its the supportive role that he has problems with hence me now thinking seriously of a doula.

Georgemama - "You describe yourself as screaming (never saw the need for that myself)"

Would you like to elaborate further on what you meant? I'm presuming it just came out wrong?

And I have to say in part I agree to men not having to be at the birth, however he wants to see the baby born and I would like him to be there too (just struggling with the supportive bit).

OP posts:

georgimama · 24/11/2008 20:36

You said that during your first labour you were screaming and it upset him. I meant I don't see the need to scream in a manner which terrifies people whilst in labour. I should think my meaning was quite clear.

If he wants to be there but can't be what you want it does seem a bit pointless him being there, it will only upset you both - you will be resentful and he won't understand why.

Original poster

Ally90 · 24/11/2008 21:04

I actually feel quite annoyed with what you said. I was hoping I had misuderstood. Every woman has a different labour everytime, and every woman has a different experience to other women in labour. If I felt a need to scream through contractions, and loudly, then that is what I needed to get through it. Whether it was loud enough to terrify I could not say.

However, I agree with you on your last paragraph...but he still wants to be there and I want him there at least for end bit. I will carry on discussing it with him.

OP posts:

georgimama · 24/11/2008 21:10

Well I have no wish to argue with you, you are right, it is your birth experience and if you really think screaming helped you, go for it. But I was sure you said in one of your earlier posts that your DH said it terrified him, in which case, he's not the man for this job (or not all of it). If he can hang around somewhere and come in for the very end that would probably be best for both of you.

Original poster

Ally90 · 24/11/2008 21:17

Yes it was me, and that is good advice.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAMummy · 25/11/2008 07:37

Hi Ally

Think you said he's quite good at problem solving? Well here's a problem for him to research and find a soultion for;

Husband wants to be at birth of second child, however found first birth difficult for himself and in supporting his wife what can he do to ensure that husband and wife are happy second time around?

Give him a time scale and expect a full report back

Seriously you need to knwo now if he can be there and attempt to help you in the way you need. If he can't he needs to say so now so tat other arrangements can be made, whether this is someone else there with the both of you or you on your own. I ahve no doubt that men can get scared and have prblems afterwards in the same way women can afterall they may not be doing it but I'm sure some must suffer from post tramatic stress with some of the stories we hear!!!!!

susie100 · 25/11/2008 14:57

Ally - there is a thread on this section about useful tips for DHs in labour. Maybe you can print it off for him with specific jobs and things you would like to hear from him. I did this and it really helped DH not to feel like a spare part and like he could do something useful. It is stressful seeing someone in pain and not being able to 'do' anything.

Georgiemamma - also found your pointon screaming odd. You may not have 'felt the need to' I could not help myself and I think that is quite common. Vocalising really helped actually.......

Leanne5 · 25/11/2008 14:59

HI, Have you thought about having a Doula. This is what we are there for. We are there to give you all the emotional support and practical support you need through your labour but will also be there to help your husband get the best and most out of your birth. You can always private message me if you want a chat.

georgimama · 25/11/2008 19:55

And Susie? I was talking to the OP, not you.

saggyhairyarse · 25/11/2008 20:46

Probably not very helpful but after 3 births with DH 'stuck between headlights', I would choose a different birth partner! If ever I have another baby I am having my bestfriend, having your DH is not necessarily all it is cracked up to be.

Original poster

Ally90 · 27/11/2008 19:39

Hi Lovebeingamummy, sound advice a good way to put it forward to him in a logical manner. Yes it was most likely traumatic...having to think back now to when an ex bf was in hosp for a month and in intensive care...saw him every night for that month and was there for him in intensive care and he never acknowledged the role I played...never said thanks for being there. I found that quite upsetting at the time...god I'm awful at empathising with my dh!

Susie thanks for the thread, had not seen that, will go find now and thanks for your post

Hi Saggyhairyarse...why has no one had that name before now your post is still helpful!

Anyway, I'm decided...I want a doula for us both! I want this birth to be different to my first one. Going to give dh a 'task' to read up on supportive techniques in any way he chooses, print off helpful dh in labour thread and I think tell dh that I perhaps have not entirely seen his side of it...

Thank you all for your advice and help. I know I can come across as a bit brash but its all a front...just feel a bit hurt by his lack of help (from my perspective at the time) and feel frustrated that I cannot communicate my needs to him so he understands what I want this time round. Will see if I can remember to post here again when birth is over to compare and contrast births...perhaps!

Allyx

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 28/11/2008 18:27

Ally90,

Have you looked on Doula Uk

Sure there must be on closer to you xx

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