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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

DH as birthing partner - he does not know how to support me...this is 2nd time round

45 replies

Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:18

DH does not do emotions, he does logic. He is unable to understand the need I have for him to be supportive during labour. I really feel like banging my head against a brick wall. I've told him what would help me...and he comes back with 'well I would not want that'...I reply with 'but I would and I would find that supportive'...'well if someone said that to me/did that to me'...etc...aaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Please someone help me get through to him...is there a book? Maybe I'm not wording it correctly? Maybe if he does not understand the word 'supportive' now he never will and I'm best to find someone who does mop brows and says 'your doing really well' in a hearty positive voice...?

My first labour was under 6 hours so really worried about this one being mega quick and really need him to be there for me...and not look like a rabbit stuck between the headlights like last time...

Help!

OP posts:
vizbizz · 20/11/2008 20:24

Sounds like he needs to be woken up to the fact that this is about YOU and what YOU need. When he replies "I would not want that" you reply well I am the one giving birth and this is what i need.

When he replies "if someone did that to me"
reply w"well it isn't about you, it's about me so get your head around that and get on with it
Some men need a slap in the head, honestly.
Is he self-centred normally?

Sounds like he needs to realise that this isn't about him.

Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:31

Those are the words I have used with him...'this is what I need'

He's said that I can't understand what it was like to sit by someone screaming in pain despite the fact I was the one screaming (in my memory it was discomfort but that's hormones for you ) He says he was terrified by it all...but he knew there was nothing to panic about...so why did he not just ACT supportive...honestly.

Both he and I believe he has mild aspergers. Hence the comment on his 'logic'...he does not understand emotions...but that is something I accept. What I don't accept is the fact he cannot act supportive, using his own words that he is comfortable with for a few hours...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:33

And aspergers can come across as narcissistic. Ie me me me. Still do not understand what is so hard about mopping a forehead

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 20/11/2008 20:34

have you considered hiring a doula? or having a close friend as a birth partner?

not saying that dh shouldn't be there, but maybe you need someone else to be the one giving the support?

Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:35

He also made no attempt before the first birth to read up on how to support me. In fact he was not going to be there as he still, honestly believed that men sit outside the room and smoke a cigar...took me a while to convince him to move forwards in time from the 1950's to 2006...

He does have his good points... this is just one of his blind spots.

OP posts:
Maveta · 20/11/2008 20:36

what about getting a doula? so he can still be there but someone else is actually supporting you in the way you need to be supported?

FrannyDisguisedAsAviatrix · 20/11/2008 20:36

i would definitely get a doula if you can

Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:38

Can you have 2 people in the delivery room? Read it was only one person somewhere...could have been local litrature

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 20/11/2008 20:38

we can't ALL be wrong? lol

Anifrangapani · 20/11/2008 20:38

I missed a trick... you mean they are supposed to do something other than stand there and take gobs full of abuse without shouting back?

CoolYourJets · 20/11/2008 20:42

If he will be rubbish get someone else.

Or if it must be him, give him a detailed list of responses you require to situations and tell him to go by the script. He might find this ok.

Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:42

No thisisyesterday just ruled the possibility out in my head...got head round it now...2 people in room = okay

I didn't need to abuse him...tho he did give me some funny things to say about afterwards...like him reading FHM with skinny beauties on the front page apparently he was reading an article about cars...what for an hour??? He does not see why that was untactful... he honestly did not...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 20:48

Coolyourjets...detailed list of responses...any other ideas?

OP posts:
CoolYourJets · 20/11/2008 20:58

erm.....

A social story for it, yunno this is what happens this is what you do and when.

A checklist of stuff required. If he has aspergers remember he will probably take things literally so if he is told to sit in the chair he will probably do just that.

And nothing else...

My DH has similar tendencies so we communicate really well . If i need to rant for example I preface it with "i am going to rant, I do not require an analysis, a solution, or anything except wow that's rubbish, you must be upset"

Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 21:10

you know he did just sit in his chair....

Oh my dh is good with the solutions... but I do tell him I just need him to listen and make 'you don't sound very happy' noises...I have read up a bit about it...I do understand emotions just don't have a meaning...that's why I need another way to get through to him...getting a book on amazon...whether it will help him understand the responses required...I'll read it too and try talking to him about it all...ie what to do when...he can set his mind to things (you know...blinkers to everything else) so hopefully he will to this.

OP posts:
CoolYourJets · 20/11/2008 21:20

He totally should be able to do this Ally.

I am wondering though, does he actually want to? Or just appear at the baby produced moment?

If he is totally freaking about it he will just close up I would think and not be able to switch on logic/script man persona.

Is there anyone else you would feel comfortable supporting you?

FWIW, i wanted no one, my DH eventually got me to admit him . I was a don't touch me don't look at me mute labouring woman. When the second midwife appeared with dd2 she came in and patted me and tried to hug me . I visibly recoiled and she was whispered to in urgent fashion by my midwife who had seen me every week for months!

I mention this because he might be similar and therefore is finding it really hard to comprehend the need for nurturing behaviour in the situation.

I hope you get a good outcome.

Original poster
Ally90 · 20/11/2008 21:29

He said no at first, so he could look after dd, but he said he had thought about it and would like to be there at such a big event (sounds like he does want to be at the 'as if by magic' bit). I believe his fright at the pain I was in (he never says he loves me but that was the 'vibe' I got, he was really worried) but really...I was fine! I was coherent between contractions, he admits that...so he knew I was okay...the screaming was just me venting...

Anyway...I will try again with my emotional logic and see what happens...reassured you say he can do this He WILL support me damn it! If he really wants to of course...

Thank you!

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 21/11/2008 09:48

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Anna8888 · 21/11/2008 09:52

Why don't you ask your mother/sister to be your birth partner if your DH is no good at it?

deaconblue · 21/11/2008 11:31

dh can't pretend to be supportive/excited/grateful etc etc he only does that sort of stuff if it suddenly comes naturally. He just hung around at the birth of our 2 and slept on and off. BUT when each was born he was the first person I wanted to turn to and the first person (after me) I wanted to see and hold our babies so for me it didn't matter that he wasn't the perfect birth partner. I agree that in labour your needs should be paramount, but my advice is to make the most of the man you have (give him practical, logical jobs to do etc) rather than getting upset that he's not the man you would like him to be.

honeybunmum · 21/11/2008 13:24

He sounds like my DH! Mine showed little interest in my pregnancy with DD1, only went to NCT classes because I made him, and didn't feel the need to discuss or plan anything to do with the birth. Fortunately I took control and told him what to do and I think he didn't want to look silly in front of the MW so he was ok. It was the same with DD2 and then I got my own back with DS and he had to play MW and deliver DS in our kitchen! It was only then that I realised it didn't really matter how he acted prior to that, he came through in the end.

Original poster
Ally90 · 21/11/2008 19:35

Hi Hedgewitch He sounds handy to have around...what on earth was he trying to do?!

Hi Anna - not an option, they are out of contact and the last people on earth I would have around me at the time...but nice thought! Can only think of one friend I would have there but she has 2 children and if I needed her she would then have to find childcare...suspect she would be brilliant...

Hi Shoppingbags - your right, I would want dh there for 'that' moment he has said I can't change him and he is perfectly right, but surely a few pointers for him...a bit more effort on his part to understand what he could do...in his own way...anything but just sit there and look horrified/terrified...surely its not that bad...

HI Honeybun at given birth in kitchen...I hope you have lino? How did he cope? And who mopped the floor afterwards?

OP posts:
pointydog · 21/11/2008 19:45

why don't you ask someone useful to come in and help you? What's the point of trying to make him do and say things that he just doesn't feel able to do or say?

deaconblue · 21/11/2008 19:59

I think you should believe him when he says he found your first labour traumatic, dh who is so calm and borders on "cold" broke down when ds was finally born. He really struggles to say things just because I need to hear them. When I'm upset his stock phrase is "I don't know what you want me to say". My response "anything but that..."

givethedogabone · 21/11/2008 20:01

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