Is pain after childbirth (and lots of stitches) inevitable?

[greeneyes1975]

Is it? I had third degree tear and was stitched up in theatre. Dont have any incontinence issues for which I'm truly greatful. However, sex has never been the same since. DH and I had sex this morning and I'm still sore now. To be frank, I wasnt exactly aroused, we both fancied a quickie, and I was quite dry, but pre child-birth this wouldnt have been a problem. Sex isnt always painful, particularly if I'm feeling really in the mood, but I just wonder if I hadnt torn so badly and had so many stitches, my sex life would have remained the same ie completely pain free. It gets me down sometimes that certain positions are now painful and quickies are now out of the question. I have to be really lubricated and up for it, for sex to be pain free. I dont know whether its worth exploring surgery to improve things or not? Saw consultant after third degree tear and he said everythings healed and its tricky to do a re-stitch job.

i had my stitches checked well jealed wound as i cant make love to my dp without pain have to be very lubed no more quickioes for us either and also get dull throbbing down there too

must admit our sex life has not gone back to anywhere near what it was still good when we do but its just too uncomfortable at times my ds is 3.6

gp said my stitching was neatest she'd seen and its just scar tissue etc but i have great ds and my dp and i do still have good sex just not very often

well you're ahead of me because we still can't have sex after my episiotomy 3.5 months ago.

i am waiting to be seen about it because it's just not acceptable!!

sex is a major foundation of my relationship with DH - would be horrific to have it so limited.

thanks for your replies bubblagirl and chandellina. I have to say I've been underwhelmed by the lack of responses to this thread! Maybe its just the three of us who've been affected. I thought I'd have loads of replies!

My 'bits and pieces' are still sore down there and my DS is four months old..i had a forceps delivery and things just don't feel the same even though the MW said 'looks fine'...i really need to go to docs and get someone to have a look but i do'nt relish that....s*x isnt the same either it feels like the Black wall Tunnel now!

I am still a little sore from my episiotomy which was almost 2 years ago.
If I can remember right it took us around a year before we could have sex again because of the scar tissue. I even had it looked at as i didnt think it was "normal" but docs said it looked normal, but it could've been stitched up too tight.

Personally i think the doctors just stitch you up too tight which makes it worse as it is stretching the scar tissue everytime you have sex!

it's sad that so many of us have these problems and when we go for help the Drs say it 'looks' fine. so therefore it must be fine?
one actually told me it was all in my head!
it tool almost 2 years for DH and i to get our sexlife back. but we did.
lots of patience helps. lots of lubricant helps more!
how long since you gave birth?

No, sadly there are loads of us. I know of three women in my immediate circle who have admitted that things only improved after a second delivery. Two of those had the scarring smoothed out, and one said that she hasn't realised how uncomfortable she was on a daily basis until she had another and suddenly wasn't. And that's just the ones who have admitted it! I suppose that having another child is a bit of an extreme cure (} but I've just had my second and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it helps me as sex has been very painful since the birth of my first.

Hm, now I come to think of it, the wife of another friend of mine told me "thank goodness they seem to have sewn her up right this time" after their second. Not sure if she knew or approved that he was discussing her vagina!

So either I'm in an extremely unlucky group of people, or it's really common and most women just don't talk about it. I certainly don't. For those who aren't being taken seriously - it took 4 different GPs and 2 gynaes for me to be taken seriously. I'm that I had to push so hard when I was so tired anyway from having a baby and so upset by the pain. I suppose that it shows that it is worth pushing for treatment though.

This is a really bizarre question for which I obviously dont expect an answer/response, am merely speculating, BUT does ths mean porn stars have never given birth? DH and I enjoy watching a bit of porn and quite frankly, I dont see how any of the women sex workers could have given birth, if they had, how would they tolerate having loads of sex daily without pain?

I gave birth 3 years ago and though things have improved they're not back to normal. I could weep for my poor broken fanjo!

I was squeamish about having sex for about a year after. It still felt raw and uncomfortable.

I don't think that it's pain that is stopping women with children being porn stars - not all women could go through it, or there wouldn't be the highly amusing "my children walked in on me" thread. I reckon that it's more to do with the fact that if you've given birth then you are likely to have saggy skin on your tummy/stretch marks/a scar on your perineum. And porn stars are supposed to look so perfect that they are almost plastic!

I don't think that stitches automatically mean pain, by the way, I just think that it is much more common than you'd think, and certainly much more common than the medical profession will admit, as they put it all down to lack of lubrication from breastfeeding, or it being "all in our heads" when it's clearly not.

I have to admit I've become obsessed with other womens' perineums. I spend hours staring at my own trying to make out where the stitches were and if its obvious I have a scar (it is obvious, to me anyway!) While dh is watching porn for obvious reasons I'm more obsessed with trying to tell whether any of the women have scars on their perineum, odd I know...

I have a couple of friends who had CS deliveries who said sex was still painful/ uncomfortable for some months after baby arrived. Sometimes it's a hormonal thing.

Some people are lucky and have no problems, but for many it's just the way it is, especially because of scar tissue. This kind of discussion has been up at times, and it happens quite a bit. The docs all told me I healed well (never mind the nerve damage), but it's definitely all changed and is a little bit lopsided.

As mentioned, getting taken seriously is next to impossible sometimes. I couldn't even consider sex for closer to 2 years since even just standing or sitting was painful, yet getting taken seriously for the pain level was all nightmarish because it all "looked fine"

So much for appearances.

No stitches either time (x 2) did try perineal massage both times but couldnt reach for ds1 after week 40 (born 40+11).

Vizzbizz, I had a CS with DS1 and, yes, sex was painful for a couple of months.

I had forceps delivery with DS2 and it took about 9 months to feel normal in the fanjo area.

I do think the medical profession are guilty of glossing over how long a normal recovery is.

fanjo? that is new one!!!lol

I had no stitches and a 6 hour release, but we still didnt have sex for 3 months, i think i was just so nervous, plus my blood loss was quite extreme, and when we did and i asked my dp how it was? and did it feel different? his answer was "ummm it feels strange"!!! I couldnt even poo for a week after as it brought back all those pushing memories!!!

greeneyes I have only just seen your thread and can really empathise. I had a third degree tear and multiple internal lacerations with my DD's birth (she's 3.5) and I have to say it took a LONG time to get back any kind of a sex life afterwards. I had continence issues and physio - but even after I'd got some control back in my pelvic floor muscles things just didn't go back to how they were and I found that deeply affected how I felt about myself, and affected things badly between me and DH.

We're fine now - but it's been a long road! Two points of reassurance for you though - one is that in my case the swelling took a LONG time to go down, and until that happened, everything felt very very mis-shapen and weird and horrible. But it did go down, and things feel reasonably normal now. Also if you do LOTS of pelvic floor exercises, fast and slow, you can actually end up with really good muscle tone despite your tear. I am religious about it - incontinence makes you paranoid - but I'm really glad as things are much better now. In fact, I'm nearly due with my second child and haven't had any stress incontinence (eg when sneezing etc) at all - and loads of my antenatal friends have.

I agree with crackfox about the medical profession being glib about recovery post-tear. I could go on for ages about how rubbish my care was - but that's for a separate thread (or several!).

By the way, I would think it's worth getting a second opinion on the "re-stitch job". My consultant didn't think it was necessary either - but I totally trusted her because she was the ONE person who made me feel human/took me seriously again after the birth - and I have to say three years on most of the discomfort has passed. However, your consultant sounds a bit flippant. Yes, it might be "tricky" but that's no excuse for not listening to you and outlining all the relevant options.

I really hope you get some answers and reassurance.

To answer title and OP:
I didn't have stitches for either of my 2 previous children (pg w/no3).No perineal tear either.
Still found sex a little uncomfortable for a month or 2 after DS1 but DS2 no probs even 3 weeks afterwards.
So it doesn't necessarily mean stitches and lots of pain. I did have upright 2nd stages though so maybe that made a difference?

To answer OP - I had no tearing and no stitches after a totally natural birth with active labour to speed things up. Sex is just the same as before childbirth.

wow!!! makes me think of going for a CS. still planning for my first baby. clueless about all this.

I had an episiotomy with my first and tore with my second (natural but extremely quick birth) and both time I was uncomfortable for a couple of months but after that it was not painful but I agree the sensations changed for me too.