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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Am sad whenever I read about The "rush of love' when baby is born

66 replies

soooootired · 28/08/2008 20:08

I have read this over and over again and I feel like I missed out and that I am inadequate because I did not experience that. How many of you did? Or should I say did any of you NOT? I was so out of it and felt so detached that it didnt happen for me. Have suffered moderate PND so could this be a contributing factor?

OP posts:

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Mummyfor3 · 28/08/2008 21:06

Nope, never felt it. All three of my DSs had to grow on me - and they did .

Another aspect of motherhood in which every mother and every birth experience is different. Do not feel you "have" to feel anything in particular.

CrushWithEyeliner · 28/08/2008 21:09

I felt protective as you say but not a rush of love no - took me 4 weeks to bond and 4-5 months to fall in love

StarlightMcKenzie · 28/08/2008 21:14

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Original poster

soooootired · 28/08/2008 21:14

3andnomore what an awful experience! DisplacementActivity you are right....all these months I have felt as though something is missing because of a turn of phrase 'rush of love' and I guess it is just that, a turn of phrase.

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Portofino · 28/08/2008 21:17

I'm with Shitehawk here - long labour and em CS. DH said to me when I woke up "here's you beautiful dd, you must be dying to see her" Actually I didn't feel that bothered . Slept all day but that night watched her for 12 hours and wondered at beautiful she was - but certainly no rush of love. In fact my memories of the time after she was born are filled with resentment that my world had been turned upside down. Not a feeling I felt I could admit to. But I would have died for her and worried so much about the state of the world. Probably a bit of PND looking back. Now - she is my world! She drives me crazy but i could not imagine being without her. Sometimes I think of her when she's off doing stuff and just want to cuddle and kiss her and want to cry...

MrsMattie · 28/08/2008 21:19

I was in shock after my son was born and for a long time felt only a completely overwhelming, primitive urge to protect him (coupled with feeling like I had been hit by a bus, physically and emotionally).

There was no 'rush of love' - no lovely, warm, fuzzy feelings. It was a very powerful and quite uncomfortable feeling, actually.

MrsTittleMouse · 28/08/2008 21:20

DD1 was very much wanted (fertility treatment), and I didn't have PND, but I still didn't have the "rush of love". It was more relief that it was finally all over. I felt very protective though, and the love came in gradually but completely.

Original poster

soooootired · 28/08/2008 21:21

Portofino I can relate to how you felt about not wanting to admit to your world being turned upside down yet at the same time i would have given my life if it meant saving his! Also cannot watch the news now, it upsets me too much and this only since DS's birth!

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morningpaper · 28/08/2008 21:24

In all honestly, my immediate feelnigs were that I was so utterly overjoyed that this massive DESK (or whatever it was) was NO LONGER IN MY VAGINA that I didn't really give a toss about anything else

I see myself smiling in the immediately post-birth pics but I know I am smiling because AT LAST NOTHING IS IN MY VAGINA

Original poster

soooootired · 28/08/2008 21:35

Lol morningpaper!

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IdrisTheDragon · 28/08/2008 21:38

I didn't feel it with DS at all. Looking back I didn't really get the rush of love until he was about 15 months. Which was when I started getting my underlying depression treated.

With DD I had the rush of love instantly.

3andnomore · 28/08/2008 21:46

soootired,it was at the time...obviously realise that plenty of people have much worse experiences.....

PavlovtheCat · 28/08/2008 21:49

I did have a 'rush of love' but think it was largely to do with a surge of hormone, which varies from person to person, rather than an actual feeling of love itself.

I found, that as time when on, my love became a strong feeling, and now it is intense. But it is different from that initial feeling, because this is actual love which you will get in time from learning about your LO, from getting to know them, that can only occur over time.

poppysocks · 28/08/2008 21:56

Based on the experience of several friends, when we started to open up about this, not feeling that rush of love seems to be pretty common. I definitely didn't have it with DD1, but did have an overwhelming sense of the enormous responsibility that I had towards her.

It did come after a fortnight or so when we had a good look at one another and can't tell you why, but it was looking into her eyes and seeing her pupils dilate that did it for me. Just such an amazing thing in this amazing little body that I had somehow created.

With DD2 it did happen, but a far better birth and far more prepared for her psychologically. Feel slightly guilty about that, but I couldn't love DD1 any more now.

hester · 28/08/2008 21:59

I had wanted dd for years, and I didn't have PND (at least, I don't think so) but no rush of love. After two sleepless nights culminating in emergency cs, I think I just felt exhausted and overwhelmed and rather shocked.

It grew slowly. I remember wondering, when she was a few months old, when I would love her more than anything else on earth.

I do now. Love her to little bits and pieces.

Hoonette · 29/08/2008 06:14

Didn't get it with DS until he was about 5 months old. Now I love him to bits.

I am glad you have posted about this - first-time mums are told lots of misleading things about what to expect from childbirth, and this is one of them. Like everyone else, I was waiting for that moment when you feel the rush of love and it is all worth it. Well, it wasn't 'all worth it' for months.

I don't know any other mum who felt this rush of love (although I am very happy for those who do) and it just means you feel like a failure before you've even left the birthing room.

Portofino · 29/08/2008 07:14

MrsMattie - you sum up fantastically how I felt for the first few months.

Poppysocks - you're so right about the overwhelming sense of responsibility - I think that is one thing all new parents are never fully prepared for.

Maybe, because I was older and dd wasn't really planned, the shock of realising that I could no longer do anything without either taking the baby or making complicated arrangements was enormous. I was abosultely convinced I would never have a "life" again.

Of course this is something that you get used to and your life adapts to accommodate having kids. It's funny now, as dd is starting to get a bit more independant and we have those times when she's gone next door for tea, or to a friend's house, or the kids club on holiday, me and DH feel really strange that she isn't there.

lilymolly · 29/08/2008 07:25

oh no not for me too
in fact I told the midwife about 30mins after birth that "I sort of liked her but didnt really love her"
she told me not to worry and that it would come with time........and it did

Original poster

soooootired · 29/08/2008 08:06

Reading this thread it seems much more common for most of us to feel the protectiveness than the love immediately! Perhaps thats what they should be telling women!

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Anna8888 · 29/08/2008 08:08

I definitely had a rush of love. Had an easy birth though - I wonder, reading through this thread, how much of a difference that makes?

SummatAnNowt · 29/08/2008 08:21

Definitely not!!

Doesn't bother me. I don't see why I should. Love is something that grows as you get to know someone and that's what happened with ds!

BeachBunni · 29/08/2008 08:44

No, but then I didn't get to see him until 12 hours later in the NICU.
Even when I got him home 4 wks later, I mentioned to my dp that I didn't love him, just felt protective of him. It took til maybe about 3/4 months, and he was over his colic, before I felt anything like love. But then how many people fall in love at first sight with partners? I agree with summat - love is something that grows.

LeonieD · 29/08/2008 08:51

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scottishmummy · 29/08/2008 09:00

i had rush of exhaustion and omg what just happend (crash CS)my first words were is lo alive

1st week is a haze

so no immediate hello mag gushing euphoria BUT when i got some sleep.settled yes it came

dont torment yourself to attain some perception of how it should be

it is as it is

you are not inadequate.

nush32 · 29/08/2008 09:07

I was mostly in shock for the first few weeks. To be honest it took about 10 weeks to feel that loved up mummy thing. Felt like I was a bad mum, not a natural etc....Getting use to this little stranger took some time. But once he started to smile and I got rewarded for all my hard work - it made sense.

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