am i the only one PETRIFIED of giving birth???

[niki1]

thought once again id ask you all for some of your thoughts and opinions please...i am 31 + 2 weeks and am extremely fearfull of giving birth.i have seen some births on the web that people pass comment on ie ''how beautifull'' and to me it looks like a horror show!!!i have booked with an independent mw and find that talking to her has helped sooo much.believe it or not i was even more scared a couple of months ago!!! i am planning a home water birth as i live 2 mins from hospital and feel my local hospitals are currently offering very poor care etc etc (thats another thread)!!so the plan is to give birth at home with 2 lovely mw's.HOWEVER i keep having these massive 'wobbles' where i doubt my ability to even give birth and start asking people to describe to me what a contraction feels like and how a baby fits out of there!!! i actually read a thread on mumsnet today about an article in the guardian talking about how elective cs is safer than vaginal birth and how many suffer with terrible problems down below as a result of a vaginal birth!!! this has brought on another big 'wobble'! i am also very keen not to have dh see the whole thing from down there as i feel so uncomfortable just thinking about that......please tell me im not the only one with these horrible irrational thoughts!!

I had a similar fear to you, OP, in that I thought I would probably cope with the labour pains, but it was the thought of the second stage, actually pushing the baby out and possibly tearing which scared me shitless!!
Your plan of a water birth sounds ideal. Keeping the birth as straightforward and non interventional as possible is your best bet. Yes, birth hurts, but tbh, the actual crowning of the baby, which I found excruciating, is over VERY quickly. It is such a small part of your labour overall, and also it means the end is there and you'll meet your lovely baby!
Re: the actual tearing- it happens fast and you probably won't realise until it's happened. Explain to your midwife that the thought of tearing petrifies you, and the chances are she will be able to talk you through the pushing, and guide your baby's head out slowly, helping you to breathe rather than push. So you may well be fine anyway!
Having had two vbs, I still feel that I would go through first stage again at the drop of a hat. My body seemed to do the dilating from 0 to 10 cm no problem - it was the second stage that I found painful and scary, so I really do know where you're coming from. But your body WILL do it!

Everyone is different.
i was shocked how breathing became a lifesaver for me. Innnnnnnnnnn, Ouuuuuuuuuuuuut
Innnnnnnnnn, Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

Honestly best pain relief is manging to retain feeling in control and being positive and relaxed, once you loose tht the pain becomes unbearable.

I really don't think the menatl aspect of childbirth has been given enough focus by medics, midwives, gurus and NCT etc, and I think it's at the core of many bad/good birth experinces.

Get the CD!!!!

Also, Gym ball for bouncing gently on in time to breathing during contractions (and something at the right height to hold onto whilst bouncing on ball, I used hospital bed but if at home identify something/somewhere for gym ball in advance), and then bathroon sink for holding onto whilst in deep concentration to maintain control. Realise that one is quite personal to me though

(have only read op, sorry - currently ignoring all the dc in the bath and skiving on here)

aw, course youre not alone.
just wanted to say that with water birth your partner is unlikely to see much of the 'business end' so to speak... i spent most of my time on my knees leaning on the side of the pool. the mw's had to use a little mirror and a torch to see what was going on. i felt very in control of where i wanted my body to be, in what position etc (a HUGELY necessary feeling for me at the time and i hadnt anticipated how much that would matter), but also v kind of private. i had my space and everyone else was outside of it (tho you can have someone get in and hold you or something if you like i think).

i had a massive wobble the first time, a week before i had ds1. was utterly irrational and terrified. he was born at 38 weeks which took me by surprise and limited the amount of wobbling i think, on reflection, luckily for me. but i well understand the terror thing.

i wish you the best... im sure you'll have a lovely birth and a gorgeous little bundle to keep you up for the next year or two

I was terrified when pregnant with DD but happened across a book called Blooming Birth written by a doula and it really helped me work through my fears. Talking through everything with my midiwfe also helped - although best to warn them in advance that you want a longer appointment otherwise they tend to rush you out of the door before you get everything out.

Link to the blooming birth website here

dinny

here

It is perfectly understandable to be terrified. I, too was more terrified of tearing than of the pain. I did all the suggested avoidance tips and in the end I didn't actually tear but who knows how much of that was luck.

I did yoga, sat on the ball, did the perineum massage and gave birth standing up. probably the one thing that did work was not pushing until the very end (as someone else mentioned). Your body will be desperate to push but don't until your MW says go. If she's good she'll 'cup' you and help ease out the baby's head.

The crowning is very painful but also very quick and very, very close to the end-You see your baby moments later. I too found that last bit easier (despite it being more painful) because you can actually feel it being productive as baby is moving down the birth canal.

Also remember that a newborn's head is fairly squishy as the plates haven't set. They're also much smaller that a baby you may have seen at 2mths old. Your cervix dilates to 10cm because that's what is needed. It doesn't slip out, it's hard work and it does bloody hurt but your body is designed to give birth.

Of course there's a chance it may not be straightforward and you may need intervention but just go in with an open mind having done as much preparation as you possibly can. Good luck

niki the way I looked at it is this: you have NO CHOICE, YOU WILL GIVE BIRTH! I spent weeks worked up worrying about giving birth, then I realised one day (i'm smart like that) that I have NO choice in the matter, and I just accepted it.

Yes it hurts, yes a lot, yes more than you can imagine, but yes you do forget how bad once you've got your little baby in your arms. You'll be fine honestly, best of luck.

Oh, and gas and air! ha ha x

I was terrified from the moment I found out I was pregnant. Infact I asked at every single antenatal appt if I could book a c-section as I was under some illusion that would be easier!
I did get my c-section but not until I had gone through 22 hours of labour. Its soon all forgotten when they place your baby in your arms.

I am fine about giving birth until labour pains start and then I go into panic as I change my mind about it all

It is fine, it will hurt but it really is worth it.

I do love Gas & Air, I felt tispy without the expence or the after effects

Just wanted to talk about tearing. I was PETRIFIED of tearing before I had my ds, it was the only thing I was worried about, and sure enough, I did get a 2nd degree tear! so I can say quite honestly, it ain't that bad.

I'm not saying childbirth doesn't hurt, but the actual tearing bit was like... it was like running through a field full pelt and then only realising when you stop running that your legs are cut to bits from the bushes, if that makes sense! I didn't realise it had happened, it was just one big pain. Only knew when mw said I needed stitches. Don't stress about the tearing, I was all healed and ready for sex in 3 weeks. It was sore at first and uncomfortable to sit on for a while but nothing you can't cope with!

Agree with gordonthegopher: EPIDURAL! You wouldn't have a tooth out without anaesthetic, the pain of childbirth isn't romantic or courageous, it's just pain. No-one will pin a medal on your chest for enduring it, so if you want one, have one!

When I was pregnant the first time, I would look at women who had children and was amazed that they were still functioning, normal human beings. I honestly didn't think I'd survive it! It's nowhere near as bad as you think - when you see others giving birth it's nothing like what you will experience because it's completely normal to be doing it and it will be fine, even if you need help. It hurts, obviously, but you will forget about it almost instantly, I promise. Please try not to worry as it really will be perfectly all right. x

Hi

Just had my first baby aged 34. Had a fantastic birth experience- 5 hours, waterbirth, no pain meds. found the contractions very full on, but manageable with breathing techniques. the pushing stage was actually enjoyable because I could feel the baby coming down. Crowning didn't hurt at all- maybe becaue of the water. Would advise you to read 'Hypnobirthing' by M. mongham. It helps you be less fearful of birth which I think made my birth so much better.

Have to say that bf is 100 times more painful, but that's anoter thread...

I definately dont think BFing is more painful, not if you get the latch right - And I have red hair, so my skin is more sensitive... My areola never got darker at all its just a shade darker than my normal skin colour (which is very pale!) On DS1 I didn't get any after pains when BFing or pain to my nipples, but with DS2, for the first 3 days i did get bad contracting after pains when BFing, but Def not to the degree of childbirth - and really childbirth isn't that bad - don't listen to the horror stories - and even if they tell you them, I bet they have had more children after, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Starlightmckenzie I did not have a painless birth. It was extremely painful, but I coped with pain through mentally focusing and making myself retain control.

The pain does becone unbearable when you loose control. I know this, beacuse it happned to me with my first birth (which I wasn't mentioning, as was trying to give the OP posiive encouraging stories) but during my first birth I became so scared of the pain, I screamed, cried whimpered and eventually gave up and lay there suffering wanting to die, and just let the medics 'do' things to me as I felt that I was so out of control I was no longer capable of doing anything for myself. Ended up in theatre with forceps delivery as I was basically refusing to try and push anymore, I just wanted to die.

In the years after I identified the point when it really when wrong for me, as when I mentally lost control through the fear and pain, and then the pian controlled me rather than vice versa. So I aimed next time to try to reatin mental control and manage the pian mentally.

So I practised techniques, read up on it, made Dh practise with me. I waas unsure if it wuold work or not.

It did. It didn't take the pian away, it was just as pianful as my first birth (and it pisses me off actually, you presuming that beacuse my experince was different to yours, it was less pianful, this is not a pain competition is it??) BUT it did work, I used my imaging, mantra's, breathing and mental focusing. It doesn't take the pian away, but if you mentally feel you are coping then you manage and tolerate the pain better.

This is proven scientifically in many differmt situations, so it not an amazing discovery by me.

I don't think it is applied suffociently to childbirth, the power of the mental aspect, which is immensely powerful is often overlooked.

Please do not take the fact that I managed the pain well on my second birth, as any sort of criticism of you not managing it at your birth, I've had that experince too. The last thing I want is a birthing competition, but equally your experince does not invalidate my experince that menatl prepartion and mangament of pain can help in chldbirth, even when it is extremely painful.

Please try reading Ina May's Guide To Childbirth, every woman should read it as it is so empowering.

Regarding pain relief:

I found TENs very useful - if only to give me something to focus on - I enjoyed concentrating on pushing the buttons.

I also loved the gas and air - again probably because it gives you something to focus on.

I had pethidine for my first birth - it helped with the pain and helped me relax but I got it very late and my baby came out and didn't cry so I believe he was a bit doped up. He then didn't breastfeed straight away which was disappointing for me. It also made me vomit and feel really out of it.

Try and do it with as little intervention as possible. I have a pet theory that the more natural it is the easier it will be. I know a lot of people who had epidurals which then slowed down their labour and they had more complications eg forceps, emergency c sections, ventouse etc.

Tearing - I didn't tear both times so was really lucky. I found the pushing part quite alright - it was the contractions which hurt. The midwife will guide you through the pushing. Listen to her and push when she says push. Don't just force the baby out as this could make the tearing worse. Again, I have friends who simply wanted to get the baby out, pushed really hard and tore badly. Nice and slow and gentle (oh so easy to say now!!! )

wow, i didnt imagine this thread would receive such hugley interesting posts...thanks so much i think after reading back through them all, this point about relaxation and maintaining control of the mind (and therefore the pain) keeps coming up.it also seems clear that people have totally different labours...and feel differently about pain and how they manage it.however this part about having the right frame of mind does seem to be true of alot of women.for example...has anyone heard of a lady who before labour, when asked, would say she felt totally at ease with what was going to happen. confident, positive and totally able to birth her baby naturally with minimal intervention and determined birth would be painfull but absolutely manageable etc etc has anyone met anyone like this who had an horrendous birth full of intervention and felt childbirth really is a horrible experience?????would love your thouights/ comments please...x

It is natural to feel scared, it is so unknown and different for everybody too... that can be scary as we like to feel 'in control'. But I honestly believe our bodies know what to do.

Have just had my second baby (4 days ago). My birth'plan' for both was basically - epidural - am terrified of pain and wanted as much intervention as possible to avoid . My first was born with a very effective epidural at 4/5cm dilated. Went into hospital quite early and breathed through painful contractions to that point with counting (this works really well) - and breathing slowly and music on my ipod to distract and help with counting. It was a relatively painfree birth due to epidural (although very very long) and dd was happy and healthy. So all good

My second, I had pains/contractions - more intense than last time and mainly in my back. I had these not realising it was labour (thought it was kidney infection ) and so was just dealing with the pain like you do period pain or a headache, ie bearing it (albeit sobbing) and trying to distract or breathe/count, having a bath... and you do get a rest with contractions. Anyway, the actual labour - my waters broke, I got to hospital and delivered an hour later. No time for pain relief at all but it was absolutely fine. Honestly. It hurt but I yelled and I puushed and it just really was ok. In one of the gaps I turned to dh and said 'it's alright you know, don't be scared, I can do this.'

If you had asked me what my biggest fear was beforehand, it would have been having to give birth that was too quick and with no pain relief. I would still maybe choose an epidural ideally (don't really WANT to be in pain if I can help it!), but your body really does take over so it just 'happens'.

Water is AMAZING for pain relief, especially the backache labour I had. Having baths when the pain got to bad saved me at home completely.

I'm sure that has heappened niki1,as childbirth is so unpredicatable, and all your plans can go to pot in aninstance.

BUT if you plan, practise, have ideas about how you want it to be, it is more likely to go how you want.

Increase your chances

niki1 - I believe there is something very powerful in the mind. However it is difficult to feel very relaxed the first time round because you just don't know what to expect.

I found it easier the second time round simply because I knew I had done it once so I could do it again. My mum even laughed at me the day I went into labour because she couldn't believe I was actually looking forward to it. Actually I was really looking forward to meeting my baby!! Focus on that! I remember swearing to myself in the last few contractions "I want to f meet my baby"!!!! and give yourself something to focus on (for me it was my TENs machine and the gas and air)

Just keep all your options open. I would have had an epidural if I felt I needed one. Just knowing you are not going to deny yourself anything helps.

Well yes, I had this with my first birth - I'd planned a home birth and ended up with the cascade of intervention and a cs. But I know one of the main reasons this happened is because I didn't have an advocate (other than dh) on the day who was going to go all out to get me the birth I wanted.

Nik you already have a head start with your independent midwife - just keep talking to her about the different scenarios which pop into your head. With my last 2 births I had a fantastic midwife. In between appointments I would write questions down which came into my head no matter how silly or petty it seemed. Then when I saw her I would go through each point with her and effectively tick every worry off the list. It made me feel so much stronger about the process and confident that I could deal with any problems that might come up without compromising the birth that I wanted.

I'm rambling . Keep talking to your midwife is what I'm effectively saying.