35 plus weeks & scared of giving birth

[Maria2007]

Hi everyone,

There's always so much info here on this site, and I thought I'd write some of my thoughts/fears, as the time of labour is getting scarily near & I still feel unprepared.

This is my first baby, and I'm 35+3 today. I already have strong-ish period pains for about a week now, & the baby is partly engaged, so I have the feeling things might not be TOO long now. Which panics me because I don't feel ready. One problem is that I've never been good with pain at all (I know because I've been hospitalised for a while last year with severe pains, due to unrelated matter), which is why my birth choice would be, I think, an elective epidural. At the same time, I really would like to avoid too much cutting if I can, because that too scares me & keeps me awake at night. I've been working with a wonderful doula who will be at the birth with us, but even though I hear many good stories from women who have used epidurals, I get the sense sometimes that there is a very anti-epidural ideology both in the hospital where I'll be giving birth (big teaching hospital in london) but also, without being said, by my doula. I can tell because of the books she's given me to read, which are all about labour without pain relief & have served to scare me even more, as I don't think I could cope with that kind of labour. I haven't managed to be completely open to my doula about my fears & my birth wishes, because I feel that somehow I'm a failure for wanting an epidural, even though theoretically I know it's a perfectly valid choice.

It doesn't help that my partner is really unprepared for the labour, he'll be there, but I think more because he feels responsible, than because he actually wants to.

Anyway, as you can see my fears are quite mundane- I'm sure many women share them at this point in pregnancy- but they're keeping me awake at night & making me very very emotional, & I feel strangely alone, even though I do talk to my partner a lot about all this.

Best wishes, sorry this turned into an essay!
Maria

Good to share those fears!

I had a terrible fear of labour and the associated pain, even prevented getting pregnant for years as I could not face it. Spent much of my pregnancy fretting about how I would cope. I found talking it over and over again with my incredibly supportive MW helped to allay my fears also reading lots of books on natural labour helped too. Finally accepting that I could have an epidural if it got that bad made life easier.

AS it turned out I had a planned homebirth with only G&A and a waterbirth in the end I found that when I went into labour I focussed on getting through each contraction and the fear went. Also because I knew it would end at some point (unlike other types of pain) I felt quite relaxed.

From your post you sound like you feel out of control?

Oh and what matters here is that no matter what you choose to do or take, that is your choice and you have the right to ask for pain relief - you don't get a medal

Sorry me again!

Pain of labour is different to normal pain so you might find you cope better than anticipated - just a thought.

You won't be a failure if you stand up to people who are pressurising you (even if it's in a subtle way) to do something you don't really want to do. In fact, you'd deserve a medal for self assertion. I had one birth with an epi and one without. Both births were straightforward with no 'intervention' (which I wouldn't have objected to if it had been necessary) and I was completely fit and mobile within about 20 mins of epi birth.

Try not to worry - I was terrified of giving birth, but have survived two on G&A - the first resulting in a ventouse delivery (being cut isn't that bad - you don't even notice at the time. The stitches are a bit sore afterwards for while bbut manageable). I think you need to take a step back - you can't stop things now it's going to happen. Leave the decisions until it actually happens, you just don't know how it's going to feel and how you're going to react. Even 2nd time round the labour was completely different, so I needed to make different choices. Don't feel a failure if you decide that you want an epidural when the time comes - you are entitled to make that decision. Good luck!

Try not to worry (like that's possible) I remember being so scared the first time around. At the end it was the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. I haven't had an epidural, but giving birth will hopefully be a wonderful experiece for you.

As far as your doula, it doesn't matter what she thinks. Her job is to support your choices not push her own preferences on to you.

as another thought, is it worth seeing if you can get a different doula? One that is supportive of your choices?

Agree with comments re doula - she is there to support you and your choices.

Also, have a think about whether you really want your partner there. If you sense he isn't keen and you don't sound that keen bear in mind that it isn't obligatory. There has been some research suggesting that having fathers in during labour can slow the process down because women feel under pressure which is never helpful at that point in the proceedings.

I know its late but perhaps your mother or your closest girlfriend (pref one that has had children) could be with you?

Just remember that nobody gives out medals at the end for coping without pain relief. It's childbirth not the Oscars. You need to go with the flow and if you need pain relief at the time, ask for it. You don't need to decide anything now.

When its all over you will have the most beautiful, softest skinned, sweetest smelling baby there has ever been. And you really won't care how he or she got into your arms.

Good luck x

Hi again everyone,

thanks so much for your replies, they've been very helpful. As for my doula- I think it'll be ok, she's really lovely & we get along well... and we're meeting soon (together with my partner as well) to discuss things in detail. She's always been telling me that whatever birth choices I make she will support me, it's just that I'm guessing from the books she's lent me & from other comments here & there that she's completely anti-medicalized-births. However, it would be very unfair if I said she's pushed this on me, she hasn't at all, she's an excellent listener. It's me pressuring myself, and going a bit crazy with the anxiety & fear...

As for my partner, it's so imporant for me to have him there, and it's important for him too, it's just that I strongly sense he is fearful of the process (which is why we are working together with our doula).

I hope in the end that things go ok, thanks again so much for your replies...
M.

Try not to be scared but focus on the wonderful outcome you're going to have. I gave birth without an epidural and although it was painful it was manageable - I would say perhaps a bit like having a bad stomach bug or something along those lines! Think of the pain as being the result of your muscles doing their work - your uterus will be working very hard and the muscles don't get used very often. However, they are working hard to move the baby into the right position and down the birth canal so your body is just doing its job. If you want or need an epidural then just be very clear about it but see how you get on without it first as you may surprise yourself. Your body naturally produces chemicals to numb the pain so that you are able to cope with more pain than normal. After the birth they stuck a drip in me and I didn't even feel it. Nor did I feel internal exams that they did during the birth. An hour after the birth they stuck another drip in and it was really painful. The midwife told me this was because the natural endorphins had masked the pain when the first drip went in but when the second drip went in the endorphins were not so strong. There are benefits to doing without an epidural if you can - such as a faster labour and less likelihood of C-section or instrumental delivery owing to 'failure to progress'. That may be one of the reasons midwives try to discourage the epidural. However, if you do need it just be firm about it as that is one of the benefits modern medicine can offer. Good luck!

I think it's the unknown that's scaring you so much. I was really nervous cos here in Spain it's an epidural or nothing and i was nervous about having an epidural (would it lead to interventions, would it hurt to put in, would it take ages to work, etc) I was also really scared of tearing cos the very thought of tearing such a delicate part of my anatomy and having it stitched up again seemed like the most terrible thing. I couldn't imagine it would be anything other than agaony. I think that scared me as much as the birth!
Anyway, as it turned out I had a very fast labour and only just made it to hospital, had an epidural and a ventouse delivery and it was all fine. The contractiuons surprised me in that, yes they were very painful but somehow manageable. Just when i thought it was too much the contraction would subside. It was a familiar pain as well, like very bad period pains. I was surprised how well I coped with the pain, it wasn't quite as bad somehow as I had expected. In fact if it hadn't been that it all happened so fast and then we needed ventouse I think I would have managed without an epi, well actually I did as I was 10cm by the time I got one....
I arrived at hospital 5cm dilated and then things all happened so fast that I was told half an hour later at 7cm that it was too late for an epidural and progressing too fast. A bit later they decided DS was in distress and needed ventouse so, fully dilated I was given an epidural. It didn't hurt at all and the relief was immeadiate. I was able to feel the pressure of contractions and push, but no pain.
The long and the short of it is that it's a different pain to anything else and it's not completely constant, there are breaks between contractions. There are great options for pain relief and you should take them if you want them, there are no medals for suffering. You may be surprised how well you cope.
Also, I had an episiostomy AND a 2nd degree tear and not only did I not feel a thing (epidural) but it didn't really bother me that much afterwards either. I felt a bit bruised and uncomfortable for a few weeks but didn't hurt to pee for example.
Another thing is I really got upset because DH didn't want to be there (squeamish) and i really thought it would be terrible to do it on my own. As it happened he went to park the car as they told him I was "only 5cm" and it would be ages, then suddenly DS was in distress and I was dilating at the speed of light. He got back in time to see me whisked into delivery then thrown out as partners aren't allowed here with any kind of procedure, forceps/ventouse etc. I can honestly say I hardly even noticed and he would have been no use or comfort to me anyway. I just went into my own world completely. That surprised me too.
Sorry, that has become an essay.

I think most people are scared of giving birth if they're honest. It's a complete unknown until you've done it! I was very scared about how I'd cope, but managed my first birth on gas and air in a midwife unit. I would say that feeling as relaxed as possible, in a homely environment, with the support of a midwife/doula who believes in your ability to give birth are key things. It may not be that your doula is 'anti' epidural. The issue is a complex one. Once you choose an epidural, you are, by definition, making the birth into a very medicalised event. Some people find an epidural great, and wouldnt give birth without one, but it's still a fact that if you choose it, you will need an anaethetist, monitoring, and basically the birth becomes something different. There is also an increased risk of further interventions - forceps, ventouse, Csection. These are probably the reasons why your doula may come across as thinking it is preferable to give birth without. Don't underestimate the power of other forms of pain relief. Water is great. Keeping mobile is really helpful. And I found my midwife, encouraging me, getting me into different positions, kneeling, standing etc probably the best thing of all. Because epidurals block the pain, whereas other forms of pain relief don't - they work more by altering how you perceive the pain - some people are scared of trying to give birth without an epi. That's fine if you accept the downside of it, but it sounds from the OP as though you are keen to avoid an epi for valid reasons.
No, of course there are no medals for giving birth naturally -and why would there be? I don't think women do it because they expect some kind of 'reward'. It's about making a choice to avoid interventions as far as possible and experience childbirth as naturally as possible, which for many women is the most empowering experience of their life.

the most importnat thing you can do is be open and honest with your doula

if she judges your choices and tries to make you change you mind, then she is not fulfilling her role

if you have not said how strongly you feel about something, then she has no reason not to think you want to read about normal active birth

a doula is there to support you without judgement, offer pros and cons to you about pain relief and empower you to have the best birth you can.

tell her that you want an epidural !

Message withdrawn

Just wanted to add that EVERYONE I think is scared about childbirth. It's the fact that it's so unknown I think - and all births are different. Having done it successfully once (although I still can't quite believe that was me)- with a great epidural (that was the ONLY thing on my birth plan ). I am STILL scared of doing it all again in the next few weeks...

I just try and remember that everyone is working to the same ends - ie you, hospital, doula etc are just trying to get the baby out healthily. And that's what matters. And it will be over too at some point and you will have a lovely baby .

Go with what you feel most comfortable with -also it is a perfectly natural feeling to be scared about giving birth and all of the different methods used.

My first baby ended up being delivered using the ventouse and when I had my second baby I squatted (bleeding hard on the thighs mind)and found it was much easier.

If you want an epidural then have one, it's your body!

I think anyone not scared of a first labour must be either very unimaginative or very unintelligent - I mean, they can range from totally okay to agonising, from all accounts. I'm hoping the pain isn't too bad so I can do without an epidural, because I know it makes other interventions less likely - but if I'm in agony I'll be shouting for an epidural, too. And I don't feel anything but glad to have the choice.

There is an odd attitude to pain relief in labour, I think. No anaesthesia is risk-free, but it's assumed that most operations require them, because they're effective pain relief. So the idea that women should suffer more than they feel able to in labour, not with any other pain, is rather distasteful, frankly - smacks of paternalism and whose-body-is-it-anyway to me. Surely what matters is that each woman is helped in the best way for her? And she is the best and only person to decide that.

Hi again,

Just wanted to let you know that my partner & I met with our doula last week & it was SUCH an empowering & wonderful experience. She not only accepted my fear of pain & of labour, she also gave us lots of constructive ideas & info about how to work 'around' an epidural, how to move with her & DP's help. So I'm very very glad that she'll be there & after this experience, I would recommend working with a doula to anyone, particularly if you're fearful of labour... and as you've all said, being scared before a 1st labour is completely natural.

I've now posted another question in the childbirth thread, regarding assisted delivery (forceps/ventouse), risks associated wtih that & how to avoid it if possible.

Thanks for all the info, MumsNet is a godsend... especially for anxious first-time-mothers-to-be like me :-)

Firstly as many people have said you are not a failure in any sense if you have an epidural.

Have you thought about what would happen if you can't have your epidural the minute you demand it? I am under the impression that epidurals are done when an anthestic person is available which could be on demand but if they are busy you might have to wait. If you can afford a doula is there any chance you can afford hypnbirthing class - please don't think I am advocating not having an epi, if that's what you want then go for it but hypnobirthing would give you some techniques to enable you to cope until you got to the hospital and the anthesitist was available.

Good Luck