First time poster, please be kind. Sorry this is long. Trigger warning for traumatic birth and EMCS.
I gave birth to my first baby in July 2025 and it was absolutely horrifying. I had an easy pregnancy, did an antenatal class and thought that every birth is different, the midwives are there to help me, and I'll have whatever pain relief I feel I need at the time.
Very long story short..
Contractions started at 3am, 2 min apart and painful. 7am my waters broke and I was told to go into hospital. Monitored and told baby was fine but I wasn't dilating so had to go home. I was already crying from the pain and feeling like something was wrong, but just given codeine and told I had to go home.
By 3pm my contractions were 10/10 pain and less than a minute apart. I was absolutely beside myself and sobbing with the pain.
8pm I went back to hospital and was told i was 3cm dilated and could stay, but it was too early for the labour ward and pain relief (i repeatedly asked for an epidural). Told my blood pressure was too high and given medication but no pain relief.
10.30pm the midwife finally came back (I was left alone all this time). I begged for pethidine but she did another exam and said I was now 7cm and it was too late but we'd go to delivery.
In delivery, a doctor said there were issues with my baby's heartrate and did the most violent exam, the force she used pushed me up the bed and she still didn't stop. Told I was now 9.5cm and it was too late for pain relief. I was told to start pushing shortly after.
At 1am the doctor did another exam without telling me why or asking for consent, and said I was actually 5cm and I was rushed into a cat 1 emergency caesarean. The midwife shouted after me 'at least you get the epidural you wanted now'. Unfortunately the spinal didn't work and I had a general anaesthetic.
When i came round, the doctor came in and shouted at me 'we're trying to help you, but your blood pressure keeps getting higher and higher'. I found out later it was 199/100.
I had no breastfeeding support, and was forgotten about and not given pain relief or blood pressure medication at points on the recovery ward.
I put in a complaint and received an apology for the lack of pain relief, communication, consent, and general support (i only found out at the debrief that my baby was back to back).
While we are both now physically fine, I've been in therapy for PTSD and on sertraline for the last few months. I still struggle with the memory every single day. I relive the pain, refusal of pain relief, being shouted at by the doctor, midwives being fairly kind but not doing anything to help, and the feeling that I was dying and was hoping that someone would notice and help me. I was in so much pain I was disassociating and struggling to advocate for myself. I feel like because we are both OK that I should be over it by now and grateful to be fine.
Has anyone experienced something similar and how long did it take to feel better? I've always wanted two children but I'm absolutely terrified. Thank you