If your partner was a bit useless at your first birth, were they any better the second time round?

[WineStainedDress]

So there’s a thread running at the moment about a footballer missing a World Cup match to support his wife giving birth. A few of the comments were about how useless their husbands were, and a few were about how their husbands were an amazing support. It’s got me thinking about my birth experience and the lack of support from my DH, and how it seems like it’s actually fairly common. If you’re one of the ladies on the other thread whose DH was unsupportive during their birth, were they any better the second time round?

Our DC is 18 months now, and we’re about to start TTC number two. DH is a great dad now, very hands on, and I am happy with how things are now. Unfortunately he wasn’t great during the birth. He wasn’t actively horrible to me, it was more the lack of support, practical and emotional. He did attend NCT classes with me and we’d discussed the support I might want in labour, and we’d spoken about my birth plan (which was pretty standard I think). I thought he was prepared, but clearly he wasn’t. Some of the issues were things like sitting in a corner on his phone when I could have used a hand to hold or someone to get me a drink of water. He also made an excuse (he admits now that it was an excuse) to leave and pop back home (for about an hour and a half) when things started to kick off labour wise. He also didn’t advocate for me when there were opportunities to do so.

It didn’t help that I was due to be induced, but while I was waiting to move to delivery suite and have my waters broken I started contracting and laboured for a decent while (looking back, maybe about 5-6 hours) on the ward in a boiling hot, windowless cubicle before they had a delivery room free and could move me, but by then I was quite far on. Once I was on delivery suite I didn’t really mind his lack of support, because I had a lovely midwife and a student with me, and I could have gas and air etc, but obviously on the ward I didn’t have any of that and I wish he could have stepped up to help me!

We’ve obviously spoken about it since, and I know he regrets how he acted. I think he was basically very anxious/panicked, and just didn’t handle it very well. I also feel like because we weren’t on delivery suite, he maybe thought it wasn’t proper labour or something (NB, I was mooing like a cow - it was definitely proper labour). It’s like he was waiting for a metaphorical neon flashing sign that it was time to step up, but obviously there wasn’t one.

Ultimately I have forgiven him, but with a potential number 2 on the horizon I am wondering if things will be different this time. I feel like I don’t quite trust him not to let me down again. I’m wondering if I should have a second birth partner in case he doesn’t step up, or if there’s anything I can do to help prepare us both for labour a second time round.

First birth horrific. Second birth he ran away. His reason because he could.

1st birth lasted a very long time and was quite traumatic. He wasn’t much support but on speaking afterwards he struggled seeing me in so much pain and didn’t feel he could do anything to help

2nd birth, I was rushed in for a c section so quickly that he missed it all - was probably for the best!

Controversial opinion of a midwife here… men often aren’t great at labour and birth support and I don’t think they’re meant to be. I love it when a woman comes alone because her partner is the childcare for her other kids, or when she has friend/mum/sister as support instead of a partner. It’s a different vibe.

DH was useless on a practical level but said lots of nice things along the lines of “you’re doing great” the first time around. It turns out that he was terrified the whole time, which I only found out when we had a debrief with a doula prior to my second birth. The second one was a home birth and he was busy running around preparing things as I laboured very quickly, and was actually just outside the room when I gave birth. I actually preferred that!

I think men are often more comfortable “doing” so give him a lot of practical suggestions of how he can support you- offering water, back rub, offering snacks, etc. Also remember that it will likely be much quicker than the first time so you probably won’t need quite as much support from him anyway. I’d wager that you likely won’t need a second support person either, but you never know.

If you want someone who's going to hold your hand and give you emotional support, your DH probably isn't it. Do you have a mum/sister/close friend who might be better at that?

First time was crap. Second time it was too quick so I didn’t need support and third time round he was very supportive. He advocated for me, held my hand, was by my side and he cried with the third baby. The one he didn’t actually want lol 😂. My mum was there first time round and she was just too flappy and anxious. I didn’t allow her in again.

Get someone to be around as an extra (friend, mum, Mil, whatever you want), and make sure both of them get breaks. Yes, we do all the work, but telling them it's fine to nip out near the beginning to get food, or telling them to sleep in the early stages, isn't being a pick me cool wife-it's allowing them to rest to be the best support when you need it. Admittedly, second births are often quicker, so listen to the midwives for timing advice.
Say exactly what you want, and encourage them to ask questions/research for themselves.

It's sad that many men are so useless. It's not difficult to be supportive. Both times my DH was an amazing practical and emotional support, entirely focused on me – but I know my dad was useless with my mum with every birth, and didn't get any better.

I think all you can do is talk to your DH and tell him neutrally that you felt unsupported, and let him know exactly what sort of support you expect from him next time around.

Slightly better.

Our first, in the early stages of labour he was basically in the corner on his phone. In active labour I did not want him near me let alone touching me or talking to me. I don't remember what he did for me while I was pushing, but no doubt it was whatever the midwife told him to.

Our second he came in clutch with counter pressure during contractions. He was regularly on his phone or Switch though. He also tried advocating when I said I wanted an epidural, and then when I accepted we needed to go to C-section. Bless him, but I had made up my mind and was not interested in a discussion.

By the third one my notes said he was here to carry the bags and cuddle the baby afterwards 👌

I don’t think most men are that great. I also think that more women would benefit from supporting labouring women before they are in that position themselves.

Hmm. He was there, not hugely involved and very much didn't want to be cutting cords or at the action end. He did tell me to focus on my breathing, however I recall yelling, if I wasn't fucking breathing I'd be fucking dead.

However a bit later when the baby's heartbeat disappeared from the monitor and the midwife for the third time hoisted it up and said tut tut, it's just a faulty monitor, he strode to the door, opened it and blasted down the corridor "I want a Dr in here, and right now". A more senior midwife appeared, and the red button was hit. I won't go into details but it took longer than was comfortable to resuscitate a very blue DS.

In my experience, neither too often are midwives great at labour or birth support.

I think unless they don’t turn up/ they leave it’s unfair to call someone useless at an event where one person is in huge pain and the scene is chaotic and pretty disgusting and anything they might do could be construed as the wrong thing. I don’t know that I’d be great even after having 4 kids myself!!

Ok, interesting. Bit of a mixed bag then!

I’m kind of hoping I’ll just sneeze and the baby will shoot out, but if not I might ask my sister to come with us as a second birth partner 😅

I can kind of see why people would say that men don’t tend to make good birth partners. Maybe it depends on their personality? Some are clearly excellent, but I think my DH was just like a deer in headlights.

I mean.. if you read my OP you’ll see he did literally leave me for a chunk of it. Essentially because he was panicking and wanted a bit of space. Which is kind of understandable, but did leave me dealing with contractions on my own so I feel like useless is fair tbh.

My DH tried his best and was very focused on me but utterly useless really. Deer in headlights too. He was the same the next two times! He was less traumatised the next two times though so marginally better.

You need like a practical, no nonsense, person there. I didn’t have that person so was stuck with DH.

My DH was useless both times. I had a doula but she wasn't that great either. If I went back in time I would have my friend there instead. I was birth other for a friend and she said I was exactly what she needed, encouraging and also advocating for her, it was because I understood what she needed having done it myself. Men can't understand that and they tend to be pretty selfish and focus on themselves.

Does he want to be there? When mine were born in the 90s it was common for partners to be there but still not assumed. It gradually seems to have shifted from optional to mandatory. For a man who isn’t comfortable there or isn’t wanting to be the support you need then its better to have another birth partner. Mandatory fathers is no better than mandatory no fathers.

Mine was good in hospital with DC1 - especially when the bleeding edge maternity unit turned out to be less than stellar and what should have been a normal delivery became a traumatic delivery. He kept well away from the messy end.

After that I had the others at home and so had DM there as well (for the older children). I also had much better midwifery care - CMs were amazing compared to their hospital sisters.

Ultimately the person who matters here is you. If there is one time in a woman’s life where she should call the shots its when giving birth. Offer him the opt out, or the option to wait outside and then come in to see the baby but if you want a reliable friend/advocate with you then that is what you should have.

Mine is also an excellent dad, but first birth he was trying to get me to do sudoku with him while I was screaming for the epidural. He did some good hand holding, but that was about jt. Second birth he just wasn't really central to my birth plan, I laboured at home without waking him up until I needed him to drive me to the hospital. I loved it actually, the peace of my own home all alone. He annoyed the shit out of me on the drive in, preaching about the speed limit, but he was sweet and trying to lift my mood. Baby was out within an hour of arriving, so his part was pretty small overall. I loved having him there but I would say I didn't really need him.